CarpathiaBenatar

Pseudo-Journal (and School Update)

2012-02-07T22:00:00.001-08:00

Feb 8, 2012 12:13am
I want to journal, but do not want to handwrite, so…

I’ve been feeling bored, overwhelmed, apathetic, and stressed all at the same time. I think a lot of this comes down to the fact that my attention span has diminished severely. I find it impossible to focus on one thing, with the exception of while I am in class. I’ve been listening to music constantly and have created the most perfect Pandora radio station. Rather, a shuffle of three stations: dance club, fast dance, and dubstep. I also found a site called top rave songs. I will make my own rave. This past weekend, at least twice, I stopped myself from being ridiculously over-tasked. But I sincerely wanted to listen to music, read, and watch a movie all at the same time. How did I expect to be able to do that? Perhaps I desire to keep myself occupied. And this desire to be over-tasked and distracted only further compounds my struggles with my attention span. This past weekend, I was working on some reading, only to keep interrupting myself every ten or so minutes by checking Facebook or using Stumbleupon or so on.

I feel entirely overwhelmed looking at my calendar and so many of my moments are booked full. One of my friends requested that I ask for help in some way and I said all I really need is more moments in the day so that I can go see my counselor. Monday was fairly full, although I still made time for a two-hour nap. Wednesday will likewise be packed. Work 8-10a, TB results 10a, breakfast, class 11-11:50a, class 12-12:50p, lunch?, volunteer orientation in Harrisonburg 4p, tutoring 5:30p. Oh boy. But that’s okay. During Monday, I realized that maybe what I need is to be kept busy. Maybe that’s what my over-tasking was trying to achieve. Alone in the apartment all weekend, I tried to keep myself busy with the internet, but it didn’t quite work. I didn’t fully enjoy it and I did not keep myself busy with anything particularly productive. Although I did go to an excellent basketball game and a good super bowl party. This brings me to my next two concerns.

I don’t fully enjoy things. I painted tonight and I think I realized part of the reason why I don’t fully enjoy things. Most obviously, most of what I do is school. Therefore, most of what I no longer enjoy is school. This is particularly worrisome and stressful for me because I am such a conscientious student and have always fully-enjoyed school, even if it is a series of hoops. But school, conscientious schooling, involves a fairly high degree of meticulousness. I don’t exactly fully-enjoy piano, but that is nothing new, since I have never liked to play piano when I am even minimally upset. Outside activities (i.e., pretty much anything that gets me out of the apartment and around other people) are probably the most enjoyed. Again, probably because it is a form of distraction. I painted tonight. It was a fairly meticulous painting and, all the while I was painting it, I felt anxious and frustrated. It was too meticulous for my current mood, current life position, and current understanding of the world. I feel messy. I don’t fully enjoy things that require conscientiousness. This stirs anxiety because I need to be conscientious about school. So far, so good, I believe. That will come later.

I don’t feel particularly productive. I have forgotten what I wanted to say about this. I’m getting my work done and, so far, it’s been getting done well. As far as daily assignments (regular reading, mostly), I’ve been staying about a day ahead. As far as additional small assignments, I am further ahead. And larger assignments? I have been brainstorming.

So, after all of that, I have two main worries. I’m not sure how much I actually want to say about these. First, that of money. this is my last undergraduate semester and I want to fully enjoy (lol) it with some semblance of sanity. Sheesh. This means that I want to go out for my birthday and I want to go to local dubstep and other live shows. Attainable. I am going to the International Students for Liberty Conference next weekend. Attained. The only obstacle left is budgeting enough for gas money. Second, I need to be resilient enough so that I am functioning well enough by the time I leave for graduate school. Graduate school is largely tied to my monetary concerns. I will most likely be looking into on-campus graduate housing. And yes, I looked at those graduate school scholarships and marked them as important for the near future. The deadlines are far enough away as of yet.

The other main worry that I now understand is that it is less about my depression or my questionable mental stability and more about the fact that the trauma has severely impaired my coping skills. What this means is that any minor drama or conflict feels like way too much for me to handle. I have two recent examples and one current example of this. Confidentiality. Similarly, reading the emotionally-charged book, 9 Highland Road, for class is too much for me to feel. What must be done, must be done. It’s a really good book, it just makes me cry and/or induces a panic attack.

Along this same line is the fact that there is no way I could handle a costly crisis if it were to arise in the immediate future.

Lastly, my memory has also been severely impaired, although it seems to come and go in waves. Maybe when too much of my brain is struggling with trying to cope with ridiculousness, it gets worse? On Sunday I made a note card for the whole week and a note card for each day. Tonight, I added to today’s note card just so that I could accomplish some tasks between dinner and sleep.

Whew.

As far as school goes?

Biology
I’ve stopped reading for this course because everything that I had read was thoroughly discussed by the professor through his PowerPoint presentation and there was no reason for me to get the same information so many times. When I had been reading, I would mostly doze in class. Now I don’t read and pay attention in class. Perfect. We’ve had some reading quizzes. No big deal. We had a written assignment to redesign a poor study of the Atkins diet. I threw around terms like standard deviation. No big deal. We had an assignment to practice making a concept map to answer the question, “Who am I?” The minimum was ten concepts. I didn’t count mine, but just my genealogy was twenty-three. So, way more than twenty-three. When the professor returned this assignment to us on Monday, he told me that he was going to keep mine for another day so that he could photocopy it as an example of an excellent concept map. Holla. What? The assignment that is due Friday (which I may or may not have completed already) was to listen to an hour long radio segment about bioengineering and write a reaction-reflection paper in response to it. My favorite line that I wrote said something like, “Why do we need to create new species when we cannot even keep the ones we already have from going extinct?” Cheeky.

Biology Lab
Eh. Too much time, not enough credit. What else is new. We’ve eaten popsicles and are currently growing bacteria to test next week. We have to do a semester research project, for which I am partners with a Psychology major, so we are doing a study of a Psychology topic that relates to Biology. The hardest part for me will be keeping it simple.

Comparative Politics
I’ve come to love the non-structure of this course. The readings are minimal, so that’s nice. Theoretically, I wouldn’t have to read for this course, but the professor is just a tiny bit too scatter-brained for me to feel comfortable relying on his PowerPoint presentations and lectures. Our first assignment was to design a brand new state. The values I emphasized were collectivism/interdependence, harm-reduction, and stewardship. For collectivism/interdependence, I want a regime that would make decisions only through consensus, which would require compromise until every citizen was willing to submit to the decision in question. For harm-reduction, I want laws like Amsterdam that are only concerned with the prevention of harm to self and to others. For stewardship, I want a local food network, so that food would not have to be transported or ripened artificially. Our second assignment was to outline the formation, strength, and performance of a particular state, using our textbook, the failed states index, and the human development index. My assigned country was China. We will present this information on Wednesday and turn in the written portion on Wednesday or Friday. Guess when I am turning in my written portion.

Public Mental Health
This is probably my most stressful course, not in regards to workload, but in regards to course content. There’s not really much else to say about this course, as we’ve only had one miniscule graded assignment. On a weekly basis, we must submit a chapter outline and five multiple choice questions written for the chapter in order to evaluate our having completed the textbook reading. These are due on the Friday of each week. I have had mine done by Monday so that I can bring a printed copy to class and take notes on that. The précis/integration exercise model of reading notes and in-class note-taking is the best. Thanks, other professor.

Community
This course is with that (précis) professor. The capstone course for Sociology majors, I love it. For the three self-guided papers we have to write, I will be discussing community in regards to 1) spontaneous community vis-à-vis HOBY, 2) spatial proximity vis-à-vis dorm vs. apartment vs. house, and 3) community transition vis-à-vis moving from high school to college. For my final project, I will most likely be constructing a scrapbook of my three years at Bridgewater, which will be integrated with a content analysis of this scrapbook.

Interventive Methods and Social Work Practice
Not much to say about this course. My reading quiz answers today were pretty much fluff. They made sense to me, although I did not use the textbook terminology, so we shall see. For this course, I will be completing twenty hours of volunteer/shadowing work at a nearby age-integrated day care center.

Library Work
Same old, same old.

Tutoring Work
Same old, same old.

Piano and Jazz Band
Same old, same old.

I’m hungry. Time for bed. 12:59am.

8000 Words

2012-02-04T19:15:00.000-08:00

Thought-Book 01

2012-02-01T13:06:00.000-08:00

I'm going to start a thought-book. Inspiration has been hitting me a lot lately and I
fear the possibility that these instances will result in a jumble of scribbled notes.
I'd like it to be physical, but it won't be. Instead, I will keep scribbled notes and
periodically post them here so that they are collected.

I wish I were smart in the way that I could be unorganized, but know exactly where
everything is. That would be so cool.

Today's inspiration was the fact that I want to write a politically-dystopic story.

Although I do find my politics class fairly annoying, it has provided this inspiration
and some necessary information for it to be realistic/believable.

In class today, I started this thought-book entry...

Proportionate election --> corrupt party leaders working together
Consensus government --> corrupt moderators? --> an AI to be the objective moderator
Eliminating racism --> (spoiler removed!) --> new shade clans
Bartering economy --> people horde storehouses of "currency" --> new banks, loans
Balance and moderation values --> apathy, the extreme are shunned
Globalization --> ?
Job distribution system? --> Huxley-like color system? (predetermined)
Polity? --> ?

Style/Voice:
Narrative manuscript found later by an anthropologist (too cliche?)
Written by descendent of founders
"We can't do this. We failed."
(ending spoiler removed!)
(ending spoiler removed!)
" Stories exist. The details are sketchy and inconsistent. Non of them have been confirmed."

You guys, everything is in my head and I need to get it out sufficiently before I forget it!

I continue to be aware of my mental instability.

School Update?

2012-01-30T05:41:00.000-08:00

I'm bored. It's 8:42am. And I'm bored. Also, I feel heavy. Not sure why, but that is
the best word. Somewhat fatigued, exhausted, but mostly heavy. I slept nine hours,
maybe that's why.

Not much school has occurred for me to make an update.

I forgot how boring weekends are. I like college because of the high likelihood of
seeing people and getting happily distracted, but pretty much no one is here on
weekends. I may or may not miss living in a dorm. And by may or may not, I mean I do.

This post is just turning into grumpytown, isn't it? Apologies.

I've been learning how to do finger waves. I may experiment with that this weekend.
There was a time when I was able to get my hair to do something similar on its own,
with no product whatsoever, but I don't quite remember how or why. I need someone
to show me how to do pincurls because the written instructions do not make sense.
And it's pretty unclear what I'm supposed to do with the back of my hair after making
finger waves on the sides. It'd be nice to have long hair, but I just can't do it.
My shower has water pressure equivalent to rain, which makes hairwashing quite
bothersome.

Grumpytown, grumpytown, grumpytown.

Anyway. In spite of not much school having occurred... (ew, grammar is weird)

Biology 100 aka baby bio
I pretty much know this stuff or have come in contact with it previously through
Envirothon, Human Biology at PSY, other academic experiences, and paying attention
to the outside world. So far, we've "learned" about what science is, the scientific
method, concept-mapping, and chemsitry (to the extent of types of bonds, carbohydrates,
lipids, proteins, and nucleic acid). Our homework for Wednesday was redesigning a
poor test of the Atkins diet and I threw around some terms like standard deviation.
This professor needs to know that not all of his students are Freshmen. So, Biology
is okay, aside from the fact that it will most likely take up more time than it is
worth with reading, homework, pre-labs, and labs. Similar workload to Geology, but
potentially less capitivating because it is not novel information. Lab starts today.
Our topic is the scientific method.

Comparative Politics
This course has the potential to be enjoyable, but it is currently uncomfortable
because it is the first time the professor has taught an honors section of this
particular course and he is thus fairly unorganized. i.e., the grading section of
the syllabus includes essays and tests, but the calendar section only includes
scheduled readings. Oh, dear, coattails course. There are eight students total in
the course - two art majors, two business majors, a history/polisci major, a physics
major, a biology major, and me. But seriously, knowing what is expected of me, but
not when it is expected of me is pretty uncomfortable.

Public Mental Health
In spite of not having attended this course as of yet, I already like it. Good
professor, good material, good assignments and organization therof, and some good
classmates (that I know of; I'm sure I'll discover more when I actually go to class
tomorrow morning). We have a book report due on March 1 and for that I am reading
9 Highland Road, which is a casual analysis of a group home in New York. The prof
said it would be a good idea to start reading while there is time at the beginning
of the semester and I am already halfway done. This course will also be interesting
in that it is making me constantly aware of my own possibility of mental instability.
Don't overreact, readers, I'm fine, it's just weird.

Community
Yay! Sociology capstone course with all of my Methods classmates, what could be
better? The only thing I am worried about with this course is the possibility of
people not keeping up with the readings, which will be detrimental to discussions.
The paper assignments are also fairly daunting because there are no prompts of any
kind. But it could be pretty cool to have all that freedom.

Interventive Methods of Social Work Practice
I am calling this course SW Methods because its real title is far too long. I am
enjoying this course as far as the assigned reading material (although I do need
to compare my previous edition to the assigned edition to make sure chapters and
exercises are compatible), but the professor is fairly unorganized and does not
give off an aura of knowing what is going on. So that'll bother me. Another component
of the course is to complete twenty hours of volunteer/shadowing work. I may look
into working at John Wayland again, although I would like to do more hands-on work
than I did there before.

Piano Lesson
Seriously, anything with Dr. Taylor is awesome.

Jazz Band
As usual, I have to get used to sight-reading and playing jazz style again, but I
am looking forward to it. Our pieces include Take Five, Cotton Tail, and Power Surge.
Take Five is in 5/4, which is the best. I was just reminiscing about the two pieces
we did during 2009-2010 that had odd time signatures and how I would like to do them
again. Tada! Cotton Tail is one of those pieces that looks easy, but isn't. Thanks,
Duke Ellington, for having a really weird piano-playing style that doesn't quite fit
in with the rest of the band in predictable ways. And Power Surge is going to take
a lot of time to be broken down and learned because it is just so darn fast. Really.
Eighth note, sixteenth rest, sixteenth note is weird to play at quarter note = 160.
We have another piece, but I don't remember what it is.

Sorry if all of this sounded super grumpy. I didn't intend it to.

Last First Day of College

2012-01-25T06:37:00.000-08:00

And what am I most stressed about? Picking my seats for the entirety of the semester.
Well, not really, but let's stick with that. Haha.

MWF
8-10am LIBRARY
11-11:50am Biology of the Natural World
12-12:50pm Comparative Politics, Honors
(1-3pm Biology Lab, Mondays only)

TR
8-9:15am Public Mental Health
11am-12:15pm Community
12:30-1:45pm Introduction to Methods of Social Work
3:30-4:30pm JAZZ BAND

And I have to schedule piano lessons, also. I'm hoping for maybe Mondays at 10am,
so that Mondays can be my bad day? Or Wednesdays at 1pm, but I'd rather not have
piano lesson on my first day. Heh.

So, expectations?
Biology: Yay, Freshmen and busy work. Phhbbbt, not.
Comparative Politics: No expectations.
Public Mental Health: Yay, good professor!
Community: YAY, SOCIOLOGY MAJORS!
Social Work: Based on previous Social Work courses? Bleh.
Jazz Band: Who knows!
Piano: Who knows!

Although, I do know that I've played piano about five times in the past month. Oops.

Yawn. I am looking for a nap already. I exchanged no fun and an early bedtime for
a lot of fun and a somewhat early bedtime. Completely worth it. Nap time in 3.5 hours.
First, breakfast, some errands, class, and class. Maybe lunch. Then unpacking and
organizing and satisfying my OCD tendencies. And nap! Nap nap nap!!

Fixation Age and Comparisons

2011-12-28T21:41:00.000-08:00

I hate sleeping. And, I mean, I might as well not sleep while I can. I was awake on
a regular basis last night and slept well for only the last two hours or so, so why
bother going to bed now? I'm just not in the mood. I might as well not sleep while
I don't have to get up early. Once I'm back at my internship, it'll be 9pm bedtime
for me. Yawn.

In other news, I've finished my PDP paper. I'm not really a fan. Eh. It's okay, I guess.
But you all know that I have mixed feelings about PDP as a program in regards to how
it is applied and executed. I'm all for reflexivity, but it is exponentially more
difficult and less fulfilling when it has to be confined. Really, when you think
about it, that's just silly. Confined reflection? Nonsense.

Nonsense is becoming an overused word in my vocabulary. Also, additionally. And
consequentially and subsequently. I need more words.

I also think I'm beginning to be able to articulate what I want, but I don't know
who I should tell, if anyone, yet. I'll write that out and save it somewhere secret.

This is old news, but apparently I deleted a collection of saved conversations and
they are forever gone. I regret that.

What I really want to write about is fixation. Also, how I want more people to read
my blog. Also, how much I hate facebook. I don't even have enough respect for the
company to capitalize it anymore.

Fixation.

Also, how a day without cell phone service is torture.

Fixation. Fixation. Fixation.

No, what I mean is fixedness.

Fixedness. Fixedness. Fixedness.

In Psychology, there is a term called functional fixedness. This refers to the
inability to think outside the box and invent non-typical uses for a typical object.
Generally, children are better at such creative use of objects because functional
fixedness has not been concretely adopted. For example, a child is more likely to
use a toy truck as a hammer when he or she has no hammer, but an adult will search
and search for a hammer when he or she could use a screwdriver or a plank of wood.

I propose that there are a number of different types of fixedness and that they are
probably becoming increasingly concrete.

Image fixedness. Have you seen the new white Coca-Cola cans? They're promoting the
salvation of the polar bear or something, but I've heard numerous people complain
about how the white can creates the expectation of diet soda. I'll admit, I thought
the same thing when I first saw one sitting on our kitchen counter: "Who bought
diet soda?"

I'm not entirely satisfied with the term image fixedness, because it leans more
toward brand fixedness and relates to those short online quizzes where the aim is
to correctly identify common logos. Our local paper does something similar every
once in a while.

That's why this would potentially work so well:

Source: http://www.xkcd.com/993

Expectation fixedness is another type that I thought about the other day, but I don't
remember how to explain it. I think it had something to do with being so fixated on
a particular expectation that any deviation from that is nearly life-shattering.
Here's a fun example. All those kids that are heart-set on abstinence until marriage?
That's their expectation fixation. And maybe they mess up, maybe only a little. If
their expectation fixedness was so severe, it's likely that their whole self-concept
will be damaged so greatly that it will require a great deal of long-term healing.
I wish I could remember my original example. It was better.

The types are probably endless. Time fixedness, plan fixedness, people fixedness...
The bottom line is that people are far too inflexible. Absolutely, concreteness is
important and necessary, but absolute concreteness is absolutely not. Balance and
moderation, my friends.

Is it just me or do I say the same thing(s) in every single post I write?

Lesson fixedness.

Hah.

In regards to comparisons, this will be a short lesson. Maybe.

I've heard it said that, if you're feeling down about your life circumstances, that
you should take a few hours and volunteer in a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter
because it will make you feel better about where you are in life. Eh, okay.

I've also been told, when I'm venting about something specific, that "at least you
have [topic I was venting about]." For example, say I have a drippy shower that
always makes noise and wastes water. A typical disadvantage comparison might be to
say, "At least you have hot water and a shower to complain about." Eh, okay.

Neither of these work for me. And I don't think they should.

For the first, if your main motivation for volunteering on behalf of those that are
more disadvantaged than you is to make yourself feel more humble about your own
advantage, you're not doing it right. Okay, yeah, if that gets some people out there
to begin with, that's good. Okay. But I really do think a lot of the impact will be
missed if that is the main goal.

For the second, I just really don't like these types of comparisons. To me, it's like
comparing a potential romantic relationship to a previous romantic relationship. It
really shouldn't and can't be done because people are so spectacularly different that
any comparison will have little to no worth. It might make you feel better, but it
doesn't really help. Similarly, I have been told such disadvantage comparisons in an
effort to make me feel more grateful for what I have. But, in all honesty, they don't.
The most blunt way to say it is that my immediate reaction goes something like this:
"Okay, but I don't care about that right now. I want to sift through my own problems
because they are present and real to me at this point and time. I don't need to be
distracted by the greater disadvantagement of others right now because I'm stressed
about this immediate situation."

And it's 1:14am. It realy bugs me that this timestamp is wrong.

PDP Woes

2011-12-13T19:54:00.000-08:00

Okay, so first of all, I just spent a good ten minutes on thesaurus.reference.com
and finally decided to use the word woe. I started with qualm, investigated
perturbation and scruple, explored ennui and lugubriosity, and decided on woe.
And it's still not really what I mean. What I mean is closer to anxiety, but not
the kind that includes physiological arousal. Maybe despair would be better.

PDP Despair

As I sat in front of a blank word document, trying to begin outlining my senior
reflective essay, I felt conflicted about a variety of issues - primarily two - and
decided that I would rant a bit via my blog so that my reflective essay did not
turn into a critical commentary on the nature of PDP.

So I'm going to try and get those thoughts out first, here, so that my reflections
about the effectiveness of PDP do not interfere with my reflections about MY
personal college experiences.

First and foremost, I simply do not know what to write about. It's not that I lack
material from which to draw, but it's that I am undecided about what I want to talk
about. I don't know how much information I want to dispel. I don't know just how
personal I want to get. I don't know how honest I am comfortable with being. The
solution that I settled upon in regards to this is that I will pick a few topics
for each section of my outline and simply write. Whatever happens, happens. In
short, I figure that if I write about it, I'm comfortable enough with it. And if I
don't? Then I'm not. But even so, I know that I probably won't be entirely comfortable
while I am writing it. And maybe I'll write about that.

Secondly, the four pillars of PDP are horrendous things. HORRENDOUS. HORRID. They are:
Intellectual Growth and Discovery
Citizenship and Community Responsibility
Ethical and Spiritual Growth
Emotional Maturation and Physical Health
Aside from the fact that the fourth pillar is clearly two very different categories
that are disguised as one, the pillars simply aren't helpful. To my understanding,
the whole point of PDP is to encourage people to become more reflective throughout
their day-to-day experiences and over the course of their lifetime. Okay, that's
fine, I totally agree with that. Clearly, I love being reflective (and reflexive*,
for my Sociologist friends!). But the pillars aren't helpful. For a lot of reasons.

The pillars are too restrictive. There are a lot of deeply influential experiences
that I have had that don't quite fit into one of these specific pillars.

And this is more than a simple issue of having four categories that are mutually
exclusive but are not exhaustive (hello, more Sociology terms!).

SIDE NOTE: Oh my goodness something crazy just happened that I have to talk about
it now, in real time as I'm writing because it's crazy! So I requested a new laptop
charger cord because my cord is becoming frayed and doesn't always make a connection.
I'm currently at work at the library and I guess there was static buildup in the
carpet or something because I heard a sound like a crinkly plastic after-dinner
mint wrapper and looked down to realize that the somewhat frayed section had minor
sparks! SPARKS, YOU GUYS. So, my laptop is now unplugged and I will definitely be
keeping it asleep and unplugged overnight and while it is unattended, so as not to
start any fires. Goodness! ANYWAY.

It doesn't just bother me that these four categories are not exhaustive. It primarily
bothers me that I feel tied down to these pillars. Okay, so PDP is supposed to help
us be reflective. Awesome. The problem is that, even if someone is usually reflective
throughout his or her day, those reflections are not going to be couched in terms
of these four pillars. Instead, such ongoing and spontaneous (reflexive*, perhaps?)
reflections are going to be couched in terms that are broader so that these new
lessons can be broadly applied to life in general.

I would argue that people are naturally reflective beings. Placing them into boxes,
pigeon-holes, and tracks or tying them to pillars goes against this natural flow.

P. George would probably agree with me. He's talked about increasing freedoms because
he believes that truer learning is possible in an environment that has greater freedom.
PDP will probably mostly die in the next year or two, but I wish it wouldn't. It
needs restructured, which has happened poorly in the past two years. PDP simply
needs more freedom. As P. George admitted, many students will absolutely squander
this freedom. But what about the ones who won't?

What about the ones who won't?

Also, I think it would be REALLY most effective if students had to write a reflective
essay at the end of each semester. That way, they could reflect about each course
instead of having to choose at the end of their four years. It would also be a better
way to see semester-to-semester shifts and changes and to make connections across
semesters. Nobody's going to go for that idea, though.

*Reflexive doesn't mean what it sounds like it means. It has nothing to do with
reflexes. Well, largely. Reflexivity is a term within qualitative research that means
that a qualitative research must continuously be reflective in order to be aware of
how his or her personal perspective and worldview (shaped by personal experiences)
influence his or her perception of whatever is being qualitatively researched. I
suppose this can incorporate reflexes to the extent that reflexivity should become
as natural as a reflex. But it does not mean reflexes to the extent that reflexivity
is a thoughtless, knee-jerk reaction.

Also, how in the world is "won't" the contraction for "will not"?

And, I know that punctuation comes before quotation. If you want me to explain why
I broke this rule, I can. But not right now. It's time to carve my elephant.

Hahahahaha.

Emotion

2011-12-09T12:18:00.001-08:00

It has recently come to my attention that quite a few people think that life would
be better, easier, and what have you without emotions. This topic is particularly
relevant because the topic of my Biological Psychology course for the past week has
been that of emotions (mechanisms, processes, functions, etc).

In the past week, I've heard people say things like "Life would be easier with no
emotions," "Things would be less complicated without emotions," and "If only I did
not have feelings."

I've also noticed that such comments nearly always come from men. Thanks, society,
for socializing males to deny the existence and usefulness of emotions and females
to view emotions as inevitable and reliable. Everybody's wrong.

On a side note, Psychology is to conditioning as Sociology is to socializing.

One of the questions on my Bio Psych take-home final includes a prompt to explain
the value of emotions in decision-making. I will probably post my essay response
here once I complete my exam, but that is not due until Wednesday, so...

So, why are emotions important? Are we better off with or without them? On one
hand, you have the view described by the quoted sentiments above that says that
emotions complicate everything, whether decision-making, relationships, problem-
solving, or something else. On the other hand, you have the view that says that
emotions give meaning, value, and purpose to experiences, relationships, and
situations.

Emotions contribute to a sense of worth, which allows self-support. Without emotions,
our accomplishments and relationships would mean little, if anything at all. Instead,
emotions allow us to explain the motivation behind our actions.

Can we explain the motivation behind our actions without incorporating emotion?
Probably, yes, but such motivation will be a robotic series of steps and will not
include true inherent value.

Emotions give us the means to love and be loved. Without emotions, our relationships
become overly-intellectualized and therefore robotic. Instead, emotions foster
commitment to family and non-family connections.

Can we do that without emotions? Maybe. Maybe we can rationalize why we should be
committed to our family without emotions, by giving reasons like financial support
and efficient living (i.e., it's cheaper to cook for four people than for one).
But that seems to take the fun and adventure out of it. In regards to non-family
connections, I would argue that emotionless relationships of any kind do not work.
Even in a non-romantic relationship that is focused on remaining casual instead of
working toward a forever future? I would argue yes. Relationships devoid of all
emotion simply are not enjoyable after a relatively short period of time.

Emotions give us the means to have fun and describe fun. Fun, enjoyment, and
adventure are all emotions. Without emotions, such experiences would lack value
and importance. Instead, emotions help us share in such enjoyable experiences.

Can we have fun without emotions? Probably not. Even if you enjoy something on a
purely intellectual level, that enjoyment is an emotion.

However, emotions are not an all or nothing topic. Both intellect and emotions are
fallible. It is absolutely crucial to realize that, while interpersonal relationships
and emotions are certainly important, people are fallible. Because of this, we must
never fully rely on others and the emotions they inspire in us to satisfy our worth.

And this ties back into all the times I've ever talked about inherent worth and value.
People and relationships with them are absolutely important, as are emotions. But
these are still external stimuli. A majority of the time, emotions are influenced
more by internal states, such as physical exhaustion or hormones. When this happens,
people look for an external source on which to blame their negative emotions, even
though they simply need a nap. Parallel to this is the importance of inherent worth
and value. In my opinion, these are internal states and are therefore generally
more reliable and predictable than external situations. For instance, you know,
acting in such a way that reflects one's core values? Yeah, that sounds right.

Emotions absolutely must be treated with balance and moderation. It is usually
emotions that derail our success, but it is emotions that makes our success worth
something. Whether positive or negative, there are inevitably times when emotions
will interfere. Such times call for a greater focus on intellect. However, even
though there are times emotions should be de-emphasized, this does not mean that
emotions should be entirely eliminated.

Further, I argue that it is impossible for emotions to be entirely eliminated.
However, people still try because they believe that a life devoid of emotions will
be easier, less complicated, and so on. But it can't happen. Emotions are largely
autonomic and are frequently unconscious to a certain extent.

But people still try. They try and they try to suppress their emotions and what
happens? Well, there are a few situations we can hypothesize about. Maybe there
comes a point when all of their repressed and denied emotions become too much to
control and they end up exploding, which may result in increased solitude or
unprovoked aggression.

Or maybe there comes a point when they have gotten so good at suppressing their
emotions that they no longer know how to feel. Or maybe they never gave themselves
an opportunity to learn how to deal with stress.

In sum, if you ignore your emotions, you probably won't know how to effectively
handle them and use them for your benefit (contentedness, satisfaction, etc) because
you never will have allowed yourself to experience any emotions.

Emotions also cause a great deal of interpersonal problems if a person expects
everyone around him or her to be equal in regards to emotions, expression, feelings,
and mood.

Emotions = state of physiological arousal (plus outward expression and subjective feelings)
Emotional expression = outward signs of feelings
Emotional feelings = private emotional experience
Mood = low-intensity, long-lasting emotional state (baseline)

It is also unfair and dishonesty to deny your emotional feelings when they are
obvious to others through your emotional expression.

In regards to the processes of emotion...

emotional stimulus
->
cognitive appraisal (based on life experiences)
->
physical arousal (changes in heart rate, breathing rate)
behavioral response (action)
emotional expression
emotional feeling
->
additional cognitive appraisal that can reinforce or negate the previous four items

Additionally, physical arousal can increase behavioral response, which can increase
emotional expression, which can increase emotional feeling.

I hope I expressed my thoughts effectively.

We also talked about the importance of emotional intelligence, which is the ability
to be able to read people and intuit what they are feeling, even if they are not
explicitly expressing it. Emotional expression tends to become more subtle with age.
I would argue that emotional intelligence also includes the ability to accurately
estimate situations and the emotions involved in order to effectively handle other
people, relationships, decisions, problems, and so on.

Check out Daniel Goleman.

Again, I hope I expressed my thoughts effectively. I hope I effectively expressed my thoughts.

No Sleep

2011-12-06T19:32:00.000-08:00

So, apparently I don't sleep anymore. I mean, I'll finally admit that occasionally
not needing sleep would be really convenient, so that I could just finish that
assignment or paint again or etc.

Last night was the latest I've stayed up this entire semester. 4am. After a phone
conversation with my best friend that lasted for five and a half hours. <3 And I
passed out at 4am and had a nap today and I feel fine. Thanks, college, for
eliminating my sleep schedule! And I had been doing so well with maintaining a
regular sleep schedule. Oh well. This is more fun and I only have one more week
of needing to not be sick.

On Sunday night, after I had finished what work I had wanted to do, instead of
doing more work or going to bed, I stayed up so that I could clean my room and
paint. I painted, you guys. It was so good.

Anyways, lots of little topics to write about, so let's get to it.

From last Tuesday until this past Monday afternoon, with the exception of making
time to paint, I had been pretty grumpy. I told a classmate on Monday that I had
had a crappy week and he responded by saying "It's only Monday!" and I corrected
myself by saying that I had had a crappy since-Tuesday.

I attributed this slump to a few things. Primarily, that my to-do list had managed
to overtake my want-to-do list, although I somewhat combated this with making
time to paint. Also, that the general morale of the campus seems to have decreased,
probably due to the fact that all the procrastinating, the overworked, and the
median students are experiencing the last-minute crunch of all the work they have
to complete. So, my to-do list was making me grumpy and the lowered morale of
campus served as an excuse for me to remain grumpy. Grumpiness loves company, for sure.

And then Monday afternoon happened. What happened Monday afternoon? Well, first
and foremost, I was able to talk it out and explain to myself that the lowered
morale of campus was reinforcing my grumpiness. And that I MUST make time to be
able to incorporate my want-to-do list with my to-do list. Thus why I am awake
and writing right now instead of going to sleep. Sure, there's a balance, but for
the past few weeks, I had been getting my to-do lists done and getting enough
sleep, which resulted in a severe neglect of my want-to-do list.

Even though I was maintaining my health by getting enough sleep and was maintaining
my academic success by getting my work done, my emotional/mental/spiritual health
had been severely neglected over the past few weeks. Self-care! No burnout!

Also on Monday afternoon, I explained to myself what beneficial lesson could be
learned from the recent past. That is, what positive purpose does the recent past
serve? I learned that I truly am capable of making genuine and empathetic connections
with others, but that these genuine and empathetic connections do not have to result
in my being exploited. And should not. But even so, that I can make connections
without being exploited and that I do not have to be exploited in order to make
connections. Good thing my one reader that was bothered by my repetitiveness decided
to no longer be my friend. Hah.

Also on Monday afternoon, THIS LESSON WAS EXEMPLIFIED AND IT WAS RIDICULOUS.
Long story short, my piano lesson was amazing and my piano teacher is an incredible
individual. He asked me for counseling-related advice in regards to stress relief
techniques and responded by saying that he always feels better after our chats.

I think I made his day.

And then! Monday evening, THIS LESS WAS EXEMPLIFIED AGAIN. While I was working at
the library, after I was minimally productive, I decided to do some more self-care
through origami. First of all, lots of students apologized for interrupting my
origami-related concentration, which made me laugh. Second of all, my coworker
commented that he had an origami collection from a previous student, which he then
retrieved from his desk to show me. After we talked about origami, I offered him
the dish I had just completed making to him to add to his collection.

I think I made his day, too.

And both of them certainly made my day.

During Monday afternoon and evening, as I walked across campus, I inhaled deeply
with the realization that I was having a really good day. Simultaneously, this
thought went through my head: "I am having a really good day and I don't want to
talk about it." Well, that seems odd. I thought so, too, at first. Until just
recently when I was writing about the dampened morale and remembered that this
thought had crossed my mind. How does it make sense? It makes sense in that I did
not want to talk about it because my having a really good day was something that was
extremely precious because it had not happened in such a long time. And I did not
want to talk about it because those who would hear would have been the same people
who had previously shared in my grumpiness. But I am talking about it now because
I had another really good day today and am feeling more confident in my ability to
not let these really good days slip away, regardless of how low the morale of
campus may be. Similarly, I also feel more confident in my autonomy in regards to
the fact that I feel like I know how to maintain these really good days.

We'll see how this plays out, because tomorrow is going to be busy and very well
may be ridiculous.

In contrast, also today, my confidence as a tutor was somewhat shaken because I was
repeatedly reminded of the fact that I had not tutored recently. Why did no one
want to ask me? Did I scare them away somehow? Did I fail one time and everyone
knew? I don't know. But it didn't really matter because tutoring is simply income
that is doubly supplementary and I have since scheduled a tutoring meeting with a
student.

Autonomy feels really, really good. I took another recent matter into my own hands
and went straight to the top. And, although the issue could not be remedied, some
appropriate consequences have been served and the afflicted group has gained more
authority, autonomy, status, and what have you.

Lastly, I wanted to add this to my honors project paper somehow, but it did not
really fit in. I read sections of the book, Interaction Ritual Chains, by Collins
and in it he explains how a conversation between two people reflects greater
solidarity (vis-a-vis Durkheim) when their breathing becomes synchronized and
their rhythm becomes extremely matched because each person is able to anticipate
what the other is saying, will say, and how. I read this section for my honors
project about the group dynamics of Jazz Band and I wish it would have fit in
somewhere because it relates so well to that most precise moment of synchronized
breathing that occurs before each piece. Right before the downbeat of measure one,
there is a cohesive intake breath and you can FEEL it and it is my favorite.

I think this was the fastest blog post I have ever written. I still want to paint,
but I will actually go to sleep, but only because tomorrow is so busy. I should have
time to paint between my crammed schedule, maybe, depending on how I eat lunch.

Anyway. Out.

Procrastination

2011-11-28T16:20:00.000-08:00

So, instead of reading for tomorrow or working on my massive Lit Review, I'm going
to procrastinate a bit because I have not yet found productive town. Speaking of
Lit Review, let's talk about this.

First of all, the literature that is reviewed within a Lit Review is referred to as
"scholarly articles," not "Lit Review." Really.

Second of all, this assignment was originally due December 2. It has since been pushed
back to December 9, which is completely fine with me, although I am absolutely working
ahead on it so that I can do my other paper that is also due December 9. So, no big
deal. Except for the big deal fact that a classmate said that the professor "is going
to grade it lightly because no one knows what they're doing." Maybe that's not the
students' faults. Maybe. Maybe it's not entirely the fault of the students.

(So I'm absolutely going to turn mine in early - my goal is Monday - so that the
professor knows that SOME students know what they're doing.)

Third of all, I've said this before, but the dumb thing is only worth 100 points,
same as the ridiculously unreliable tests. So, whatever. I've put way more than
100 points-worth of work into it.

Urg, this class.

Anyway, I have kind of forgotten what I cam here to say. I do remember that I want
to add a criterion to my criteria list. The most important criterion to me, be it
somewhat superficial, is that I want to be able to truly be myself in my car when
I am driving with the windows down and the music loud and I am singing my heart out.
This behavior has previously been described as un-ladylike and I will not have any
of that. Why do you think I really dislike driving with passengers? Unless said
passenger is super music-savvy or is super fun-to-talk-to. (Not that all other
possible passengers are not music-savvy or fun-to-talk-to... I just like the freedom
of driving alone.) So the highest criterion is that, someday, driving not-alone
could feel as free as driving alone. And that sounds selfish, but that's not how
I mean it. I don't want it to feel as free as driving alone in the sense that I
want to be able to deny the fact that I am driving not-alone or ignore my passenger,
but I want it to feel as free as driving alone in the sense that said passenger will
truly enjoy my total enrapture in music and driving and windows-down fresh air.

And that is what would be genuinely liberating.

So yeah, all of those other criteria are important, too, but what I really want is
for you to let me sing when and how I want when I am driving. And that feels like
idealism.

In a similar strain, I LOVE having my friends back.

Okay, I GUESS I'll do some schoolwork. Where are you, productive town?

I had to tell some new people today and that was weird.

"Only God Can Judge Me"

2011-11-21T20:13:00.000-08:00

So, I just read my most recent post and was genuinely amused at how much of a word
nerd I am. Sufficiently. Suffice. Awesome. I'm awesome. I am some worthy of awe.

Word nerd!

In other news, I have a somewhat official criteria list. This criteria list has the
very important caveat of not being concrete or all-inclusive or exclusive or so on.

Let me have my friends, don't be damaged or insecure, don't exploit my compassion,
and don't demand that I rescue you. Oh, and don't make me not cut my hair.

I think having friends, not being insecure, and not exploiting my compassion are the
most important. Not exploiting my compassion is creeping to the top of the list, but
all three of these are fairly close in importance.

So, before I get to the real topic of this post, I'm going to re-update about school.

SCHOOL

Biological Psychology.
I have been tutoring my classmate and I've really grown to like this course, as well
as the professor, even if I don't fully agree with his teaching methods. But he'll
read about that on his course evaluation from me. Haha. My two fellow group members
and I just completed our neurological behavior study with mice, where we tested the
effect of alcohol upon sociability in mice. We got mice drunk, you guys. We haven't
analyzed our data yet, so no results. Assignments left in this course are the results
and discussion sections of my paper about this experiment and the final exam.

Criminology.
Assuming that my projected test grade analysis accurately predicts my grade on the
final - which I am nearly certain it does - I only need a 60% on my project proposal
paper to maintain an A overall. The girl who constantly talked during class (and
also failed the first test) has since moved where she sits and no longer talks to
her classmate. She also did not fail the second test. Hmm. Assignments left in this
course are the project proposal paper and the final exam.

Memory and Cognition.
After scoring a 103% on the first test, I scored an 87% on the second test. What?
I would think that a professor who also teaches Statistics would be able to develop
a more reliable measure of learning. She'll read about that on her course evaluation
from me, but with less attitude. And, although I know my current percentage grade
in the course, I am uncertain of what proportion of the points remain for the
semester, so I have no way to calculate what I need on my literature review and
final exam. I am also upset that the literature review is only worth as much as a
single test, even though I am spending disproportionately more time on that.
Assignments left in this course are the literature review and the final exam.

Family.
Eh. This has turned out to be an interesting course, but not really one of my
favorites. I'm not really sure why. I don't really have much to say about it, which
I think is because I feel somewhat uninterested by the course at this point in time.
We just finished reading the book, Longing and Belonging, which I didn't really like,
so maybe that's why. Assignments left in this course are a paper (due Nov 29) and
the final exam (in-class essay).

Counseling.
Hooray for night classes! No seriously. Really, hooray. Over the course of the
semester, I have gone from being reassured of my counseling career goal to being
uncertain of my counseling career goal. But that uncertainty is not the fault of
this course, I believe. Assignments left in this course are two quizzes, two journal
entries, an in-class activity, and the final exam.

Jazz Band.
I wonder if I cry over Jazz Band-related issues at least once each semester. Hm.
Last semester it was because Dr. Weir was leaving, the semester before that may have
been because of graduated members who were no longer present, the semester before
that may have been...?, and the semester before that would have been sheer newness
and crazy girl drummer. This semester it was outside stress and an improvisation
piano solo. But Dr. Taylor came to the rescue and wrote one for me, so we'll see
how it sounds and if/how I want to adapt it at rehearsal tomorrow. I miss Dr. Weir
and all of the members who have left since Spring 2010. Concert on Dec 2. Eek!

Honors Project.
The draft of my paper has been completed! Saturday night I finished! I was going to
go to an on-campus concert Saturday night, but I was so close to being finished that
I buckled down and finished and went to the concert on Sunday afternoon. Hooray!
My diagrams have been drawn and all pertinent information that was previously missing
has been added to the paper. All that's left is to revise, check ASA formatting, and
revise again. Advisor meeting tomorrow morning.

Piano.
Going fairly well, although I've only completed two pieces this semester, which I
believe is the least ever. Starting on the first movement of Beethoven's Pathetique
Sonata, after having learned the second movement last semester and the third movement
this semester. I'm pretty excited to (eventually) have learned a complete sonata.

Library Work and Tutoring.
Library work is always my favorite. People-watching, people-visiting, and getting
work done, plus getting paid? What could be better? Tutoring is pretty cool, too.
Methods tutoring has tapered off, but will probably pick back up before finals week
and BioPsych tutoring helps me and is fun. Yay! Plus money! Yayyy!

PDP and Convos.
After receiving approval from my previous PDP advisor, I am not planning to being
my PDP paper until Christmas break, although I imagine I will do some preliminary
planning and writing during finals week, since that is always my least busy week
of every semester. Knock on wood. Convos are completed and, by a miscalculation, I
attended one too many, as compared to my twice too many my first semester. Hehe,
oh, priorities, how silly you are as you shift and change.

ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME

Fyi, I don't reach my true point until later on in this section. Sorry I buried it.
See paragraph four if you're lazy. (The next paragraph counts as paragraph one.)

Okay, maybe. But not really. I really do disagree with this sentiment, even though
it gets to be a really touchy topic with other Christians, as the general philosophy
is that a person cannot judge another person because all people are fallible. Okay,
so I agree with the statement about everyone being fallible, but I do not agree with
the argument that this negates the utility of "judging." I say that with quote marks
to lessen the negative connotation that the word has received. It's a very heavy
word and I don't mean it in a heavy way, so I hope the quote marks can lighten it
to a point. Ew. Look at all those short words at the beginning of each line. Ew.
Anyway. And I don't mean utility to sound like a utilitarian - also a silly life
philosophy, when adhered to dogmatically - I simply mean that, sometimes, making
a judgment is useful. Making a judgment sounds lighter than judging, no? We make
judgments about situations every day. Is it cold enough for a sweater? Is it dry
enough to wear suede shoes? Am I hungry enough to eat lunch? Am I not hungry enough
to skip lunch? Do I have enough time to run an errand? And so on and so on. And you
say, "But those are examples of judging a SITUATION. Judging a PERSON is different!"

And I agree. Judging a PERSON is not what I condone. Judging a person is a problem
because doing so is too much of a blanket statement. And you, as a regular reader,
should know very well how I feel about blanket statements. (Not well at all.) For
example, a judgment of a PERSON could sound something like this "That person is too
___(fill in the blank)___, I'm not going to talk to/help/etc him/her." This blanket
statement is damaging (and what true blanket statement isn't?) because it removes
any and all possibility that the stater of the statement could change his/her mind.
Sure, it happens sometimes, but it's unlikely. Plus, there's the whole issue of the
complete negativity of such a blanket statement. And who likes negativity? Not I!

So, if judging a PERSON is not what I condone, then what type of judging do I condone?
Well, it goes back to being able to judge a SITUATION. Instead of making a damaging
blanket statement that applies to the whole person, try rewording a judgment so that
it applies only to a specific situation. For example, instead of saying "She's really
mean and I don't like her," say, "She's really mean in class, and I don't like her
in class." When a judgment applies to a SITUATION, rather than the whole PERSON, it
opens up all kinds of possibilities for that person to defy that judgment in other
situations. (This has really happened to me. I think I wrote about it before.) Even
better, judgments can be made even more specific in order to refer to an even more
narrow situation... "She's really mean in class today, I wonder what's wrong."
With all of this said, it is not an easy practice to instill, but hopefully you
have noticed that simply shifting the focus of a judgment away from the person and
onto the situation makes the judgment feel entirely different. A person-directed
judgment is extremely damning and that's what really makes people (myself including)
uncomfortable. A situation-directed judgment is not damning because it has built-in
caveats. (And who doesn't like a good serving of caveat?)

But anyway. My REAL point has to do with the sentiment, "Only God can judge me."
Okay, maybe. And, according to my above argument, yes. I cannot judge YOU. I can
judge* how you act in a certain situation on a certain day under certain circumstances,
but I cannot judge YOU as a WHOLE PERSON.
HOWEVER.
The fact that "only God can judge [you]" does not relieve you of your responsibility
to behave as a sane and upstanding individual. This sentiment does not absolve you
of your basic human responsibility to not behave as a donkey might behave. Really.
This sentiment does not remove all possible consequences from you or your future.
Because, even if I can't judge YOU (and I won't judge you as a whole person), the
law, the system, the federal government, the IRS, or someone will. Eventually, so
long as they get their bureaucratic act together. And, even if not? As a believer
in eternity, you will eventually meet the one God you claim is the only being that
can judge you. And, to reiterate what I really mean, just because you claim that
"only God can judge [you]," that does NOT mean that you have no obligation to judge
yourself. Where is conscience and remorse? Have you none?

* I feel it necessary to explain what I mean when I use "judge" as a verb, as in
"judge how you act in a certain situation on a certain day under certain circumstances."
As a word nerd, and one who is heavily influenced by connotations, using "judge" as
a verb does make me uncomfortable because I recognize that it has an extremely heavy
and negative connotation. When I used "to judge," I feel that most first reactions
will picture a typical holier-than-thou attitude. And that is not at all what I mean.
"To judge," in my world, is not snooty, arrogant, or cocky. "To judge" simply means
to form an opinion, to decide upon critically, to conclude about, or to assess.
(Thanks, dictionary.reference.com!) And that's what I mean. None of this nose-in-the-
air nonsense that give judgment a bad reputation. Think of all the ways that "judge"
or "judgment" can be used in a positive manner! I would guess that the only form
of "judge" that I would reserve for negative instances would be "judgmental."

And, for your additional reading pleasure... Is it Bad Rap or Bad Wrap?
I decided to use neither, thus bad reputation in the above paragraph.

And, in closing, my Counseling textbook said something cool in the chapter I had to
read for tomorrow. I can't remember exactly what it said, but it said that avoiding
responsibility diminishes a person's power and his or her power to change the self
or the situation. And I like that a lot. I like that a lot more than the victim
stance that everyone around me expects me to take. Sure, it will never make sense,
never ever, and while taking absolute responsibility for it would absolutely damage
my self-esteem beyond repair, I am determined to find the happy medium. Balance and
moderation. Responsibility and POWER. I am a whole person. Apparently my session
today actually did help a lot.

Edit: So I just proofread this after posting it and realized something huge. You guys!
Judgments are like stereotypes! :O Also, I meant to post these lyrics, which I was
reminded of when I said "Not I!"

In an ocean of noise
I first heard your voice
Now who hear among us
Still believes in choice?
Not I!

Ugh, that song is SO GOOD.

Cake & Unicorns, Revisited (and School!)

2011-10-22T09:25:00.000-07:00

Reference.

My apologies in advance if this post takes a turn toward depression and cynicism.

Cake & Unicorns, Revisited.

In a previous post, I explained that relationships have a learning curve and that
they are not all cake and unicorns. I suppose I feel this way because, to date, I
have not had a cake and unicorns relationship. And I also feel that a fairly large
part of me would feel naive to gain so much satisfaction from a cake and unicorns
relationship because, to me, cake and unicorns equals superficiality.

And I have had no experience to tell me otherwise, to show me that there is a type
of cake and unicorns that does not equal superficiality, that is not shallow.

First, we were thirteen. That wasn't real.

Then, we were good friends, but his past blocked him from feeling anything real and
I was too impatient to put up with his insecurities.

Then, it worked well, but just didn't go anywhere. We hit a mutual wall.

Then, we just liked to hang out and both understood and agreed there was nothing
long-term and never would be.

And, just now, I am still too temporally close to the experience to put it in words
so sufficiently. Sufficiently. Suffice. Cool.

However, just now, I can say that I feel naive because I made myself believe it was
cake and unicorns (sufficiently) when it definitely was not. He was good at playing
to this.

After the first then, my best friend and I discussed how I did not want to create
a criteria list for future relationships because a relationship cannot be reduced
to a formula of criteria. However, I now know that it is necessary to have a general
idea of what is required and what is desired. Right? This is how we broke it down,
right? Absolutes and preferences? Well, I now have an absolute, among others obvious
to those who are privy to the situation. My absolute? LET ME HAVE MY FRIENDS.

So, cake and unicorns, where do we stand? Not sure.

But let me just say that my greatest fear is that I will remain too damaged for the
future. Or that I will remain too damaged and will thus attract (and settle for) a
similarly damaged man. I also fear that I have been so instilled with a sense of
cynicism that I will forever feel that no future man will meet my expectations.

Exceed, exceed.

As for cake and unicorns? Maybe cake and unicorns don't have to be naive. Maybe
there is the possibility of a relationship so real that it is cake and unicorns
without a naivete. And my hurt heart screams, "No, no, no! That's how you got to
be where you are now! Eliminate all naivete! Be cynical forever!"

And I say, I am rejecting both naivete and cynicism and saying that these things
are unimportant to me right now and that all such things are out of my hands.

I am rejecting both naivete and cynicism in exchange for passivity.

(and School!)

Thanks to the above circumstances, my Senior year has just now started. Also, let me
just say that I am thankful for my small campus because it allows me to have to
explain to less people because most people already know.

Biological Psychology
Bio Psych is probably one of the most difficult courses I've taken, simply because
it is so unrelated to anything I've studied previously. And it's hard work. And it
is the only course during my entire college career (this is technically my fifth
year, I just started during eleventh grade) in which I have gotten a non-A grade.
I actually got a C, you guys! I am more amused than anything. But a C assignment
grade does not mean I will not get an A course grade. Also, I've been recruited to
be a tutor for a classmate. Let's go.

Criminology
Due to a combination of professor, course material, and course format; this course
is cake for me. I was very surprised to learn of particular classmates who failed
the first test. There's not really much else to say about this course, because it's
the same old, same old that I've learned before. I'm not complaining.

Memory and Cognition
Um. Really, that's the extent of my thoughts in regards to this course. No offense,
but it really is a joke. For the first test, I filled out the study guide using only
the professor's PowerPoints and used none of my own notes. The only reason I need
to go to class is for participation activities and the rare graded participation
activities. Joke, joke, joke. And even more of a joke because the test averages were
bi-modal, meaning that most people got an A/B grade or a D/F grade. What.

Sociology of the Family
Awesome possum course. Very similar to Birth and Death in regards to format, so I
am excelling because of that. The readings are interesting and the discussions are
fulfilling. Apparently everyone is fascinated by the topic of cohabitation.

Counseling and Personal Development
I love this course so much that I am not even bothered by the fact that it is a
one-day, 2.5-hour night class. I love courses in this format, thanks to LBC and
HACC. I love this course so much that I am not even bothered by the in-class role-
playing. That's a big deal.

Jazz Band
So far, so good, but weird. First concert was a success and our director said,
"We've done easy music and we've done it well. Now it is time to do more difficult
music." Uh-oh.

Honors Project
So far, so good. I need to check on my project time line to see what I should be
doing now, since I am "officially" done with observation.

Piano
Probably the most neglected part of my education right now. But after I am done
here, I am going to eat lunch and go practice for a long time. Thankfully my teacher
understands my circumstances and allowed me to take care of legal issues during my
lesson time this past Monday. Also, I just learned that he thinks I'm awesome, as in,
one of the few students who works.

Library Work and Tutoring
Library work continues to be my favorite. It is the best way to get work done and
socialize and get paid, all at the same time. Tutoring has officially started this
week and I tutored for one hour over the course of two sessions. I need to email
someone so I can fill out the paperwork to become a Bio Psych tutor.

PDP and Convos
Additional things I can't forget to think about. My PDP paper is going to be
ridiculous.

That's all, I think. Ready and lunch time.

Work and Summer Productive Town

2011-06-19T19:16:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, I am a cashier/do-it-all at a local gas station and
convenience store. Sure, this sounds like a lowly job that wouldn't involve
much excitement or mental exertion. I'm good at my job; I love my job and my
job loves me, but sometimes it gets a little too crazy.

Take tonight, for example.

Approximately ten minutes after I clocked in, a customer was pumping gas. All
was well until he ran in and alerted me that the hose line broke and there was
an ever-increasing puddle of gas. Had he shut off the pump before he ran away
from the scene? Absolutely not. I quickly shut off the pump through my register
and followed him outside to investigate. He refused to pay for the extra $1.34
that he wasted because he failed to shut off his pump before fleeing to get me
and I later went outside to spread Spillaway between customers, since I was
working alone.

While I was outside, trying to clean up the wasted gas and keep an eye on the
store for entering customers, a woman pulled up to someone who was getting gas
and I heard her ask the other person a question. I continued to clean up and
to watch for incoming customers. The woman then pulled up to me and asked me
if I knew where such-and-such a location was. I asked her if she had an address
or a street name and her passenger looked on her laptop and told me the street
name. Meanwhile, I saw a girl enter the store from the side door. I told the
woman that I knew the road, but was not sure how to get there and needed to go
inside because I had a customer. I told her that she could come inside with me
and I would look at a map for her. She continued to ask me for directions and said
that they had been driving around for three hours. I repeated myself at least
twice and she finally said, "Okay, I know you're busy." I turned to go inside,
she pulled away, and I expected her to park and follow me inside so that I could
show her a map. As I waited on the customer who was inside, I saw the woman
drive away. Three hours of being lost and she couldn't spare five minutes?

Toward the end of my shift, this super creepy guy (late 50s, gross, native small
town material) came in to buy cigarettes and asked me if I had a boyfriend. I do
not, so I said no. He asked if I don't like boys. I should have said yes. I said
no and that I'm just single. He made a few comments, such as saying that's a
shame and so on. He then said, "Maybe I could take you out to dinner some night."
No sirree, no thank you. Gross.

My job is ridiculous.

Doing

As far as my summer do-list that I posted most recently...

I've been reading a lot. I finished Scott Westerfield's The Uglies Series, I read
The Handmaid's Tale (which was AWESOME), I read Green Angel, and I am reading
The Children of Men. I need to get Full Dark No Stars from the library.

I've joined bookmooch. I've given 10 books away and am slated to receive 5.
I LOVE IT.

I did not do my school portfolio. I put all of my work for the year in a box and
put all of my books for the year on my school shelf. Good enough.

For my t-shirt rag rug, I ordered a ready-to-go 24"x30" rug latch hook canvas
and have begun cutting t-shirts into 1"x4" strips. I need to find a latch hook
tool and buy more shirts.

I have not been writing.

I narrowed down my grad school search to the last three. Pitt, U at Albany (SUNY),
and East Tennessee State University. I will apply to these three schools and I
will be earning my MSW from whichever one is least expensive. Pitt and ETSU were
recommended by my advisor. Pitt has the 14th best MSW program in the nation and
U at Albany has the 12th best. ETSU is new, but sounds awesome.

Although I am fairly certain none of these grad schools require a GRE school for
admission, I will be taking the GRE on August 1. Unless I could cancel and get a
refund? I'll have to look into that.

People have been seen and are being seen. <3

One thing that was not posted on my do-list was to play French Horn. I got a
lesson book and played for the first time a few days ago. I suck at it.

How to Read Critically (and My Summer Do-List)

2011-05-28T21:41:00.000-07:00

How to Read Critically

(The following was drawn from notes on a lecture by one of my professors, during
one of the class meetings of Juvenile Justice. So, in case you've been struggling
to read research articles and respond to them in a critical fashion, see below.
I took Juvenile Justice Fall 2010. Sorry for the delay.)

In order to read critically, you must do two things:
1) Read for fact: an understanding of theories and their evidence
and
2) Read for implication: now what?

Typically, a research article is designed in the following way:
1) ASK: presents the problem and its background
2) CRITIQUE: critiques the previous theories surrounding the problem
3) TELL: presents a new theory about the problem
4) SHOW: ties in evidence to support the new theory
5) IMAGINE: imagines the "now what?" and explains implications for the future

In reading critically and finding the format of the research article as you read,
there are a few key things to remember to look for:
- A shift in words signifies the article's claims (however, but, therefore, given,
thus, etc). Take note of such claims and the supporting evidence that surrounds them.
- Notice previous claims or theories you recognize and evaluate the connections that
are made by the article.
- Concrete words signify confident statements or claims (given, thus, therefore, etc;
NOT possibly, may, tend, etc).
- Take note of section headings and find thesis statements and key words for each
section.
- As you read, develop one-sentence summaries of main points that are presented (or
mark one-sentence summaries that are already written within the article).
- Pay extra attention to the first and last paragraphs of sections, as the paragraphs
that lie between are primarily supporting information.
- Nearing the end of the article, look for words that alert you of the summary (in
short, in summary, in conclusion, etc).

My Summer Do-List

I've been in the midst of unpacking, repacking, cleaning, and organizing since I got
home from school on May 15, left again on May 18, and came home again on May 22.
Since May 22, I've mostly been sleeping, as well as working, and completing the verbs
previously listed. In addition, I wrote up a list to keep myself on task. The list is
currently incomplete, as I know some things slipped my mind, but it's a good start.

To be operationalized (and S.M.A.R.T.), goals must be written down.

(in no particular order, much to the chagrin of my OCD tendencies...)

- read. a lot. The Uglies Series(x3), This is Your Brain on Music, Full Dark No Stars, etc.

- bookmooch. get rid of those books in the corner.

- school portfolio.

- t-shirt rag rug.

- write. Metamorphosis. Teacher. Semester reflect blog. Journal.

- pick a grad school.

- GRE on Aug 1.

- people.

And, for immediate action, sleep.

Accountability & Communication and Hypocriticism

2011-05-02T12:55:00.001-07:00

I have a feeling this will be a shorter post, but we shall see.

First off, I have minimal work to do between now and when I leave school on May 15
and I am SO bored. I need a new close friend who is also an over-achiever and non-
procrastinator. Granted, I did have the opportunity to go to a clique picnic today,
but I declined because I do not feel like I've been fully-inducted into that clique.
However, there is another clique-picnic on Friday that I will be attending and a
clique-dinner on Monday evening that I will also be attending. Similarly, there are
things that I could do to keep myself occupied: piano, recording, making jewelry,
drawing, sitting outside, going for a drive, etc, etc. However, I'm craving something
more social and, because I know of no one who is available, I am writing.

Accountability & Communication

In a recent and ongoing dialogue with the President of my college, two of the trends
that continue arising throughout our emails are those of accountability and communication.

As a student, prior to emailing the President, I felt very much in the dark about
administrative decisions, actions, and motivations. I do not know what the status
quo is at other institutions of higher education, but the fact that there is a
disconnect between the powers that be and us students who are affected by those
decisions bothers me very, very much. Because of this disconnect, students like
myself do not concretely know the motivations and desired consequences from the
actions and decisions of the administration and rumors thus are created and spread
violently across campus. In short, it's very important to be that administration
decisions and actions are shared with the student body and, more importantly, the
motivations behind these decisions and actions are likewise dispelled.

Similarly, there is a feeling of a lack of accountability among staff of the college.
From not completing the task of laying some carpet to not noticing and refilling the
silverware, dishes, food, etc; I get the impression that there is a lack of pride
in one's job and job description & duties.

Hypocriticism

I'm not going to write much about this, but I just wanted to say how deeply it upsets
and bothers me when a person judges or reprimands or looks down upon another person
because of a certain behavior, even though an extremely similar behavior is being done
by the former person. Does that one, tiny little detail of a difference really make
one action acceptable and the other not? No.

Also, I'm sorry if I'm ever hypocritical in any way. I wouldn't be surprised and I
apologize.

In other news, I gave two leaving faculty members thank you/well-wish cards today
and, while they were both touched and appreciative, it was quite sad, particularly
when I told one of them that a third favorite faculty member was also leaving. :(

In regards to this, a lot of reactions to the announcement of a leaving faculty
member were something along the lines of, oh I understand because a bigger opportunity
will be better or you can't expect someone to stay somewhere so small, etc, etc.
Wait, WHAT? You picked a small school, commit to it. You picked a small school, love it.
I simply cannot fathom a faculty member having "settled" on working here because it
feels so insincere to commit to an educational setting all the while knowing that you
see it only as a stepping stone. A greater commitment and truer passion is required
for effective teaching, so I refuse to believe that any of these responses are true.

_

HOBY 2011 Mixtape

2011-05-01T16:40:00.000-07:00

Like I have the past two years, I made a mixtape for my HOBY kids.
Below is the track list and my explanation of each song, as well as
an addendum of a few songs that didn't fit/I forgot about.

Enjoy! (Also, for the last post? Song I could fall asleep to?
White Noise by Mogwai, which is the closing track on this mix)

_____01 – A Million Tomorrows – Pretty Lights
To start this mix, I present to you an instrumental piece by electronic artist, Pretty Lights. Upbeat electronic music is what I use when I need to be productive and write papers or read. Pretty Lights has also done neat covers of some classic rock songs by Pink Floyd, Eric Clapton, and others.
_____02 – Completed Nihilism – Mouse on the Keys
Mouse on the Keys is a jazz/rock-fusion band from Japan that consists of two members on keyboards/piano and one member on drums. This track is simple, but is a necessary lead-in to the next track.
_____03 – Spectres de Mouse – Mouse on the Keys
This song was the first Mouse on the Keys song I heard when I was shown the music video for it, which is amazing. If you haven’t noticed already, you’ll notice by the end of this mix that I’m very biased toward music with lots of piano.
_____04 – Creepin’ Crazy Time – Big Blood
Big Blood is my most recent new favorite band. Throughout this mix, it is also evident that I’ve been on a big folk kick. A lot of Big Blood’s songs are weird, but they are so good. They also did covers of Erik Satie’s Trois Gnossiennes, which are some of my favorite classical pieces.
_____05 – Buried in the Water – Dead Man’s Bones
Dead Man’s Bones is another folk-y band, but is less upbeat in most of their songs. This song is no exception, but I think it’s waltz tempo and better-than-Cash Cash-esque vocals are beautiful.
_____06 – All Delighted People – Sufjan Stevens
Sufjan Stevens is another folk artist with a beautiful and unique voice and musical genius mind. This isn’t my favorite song by him, but it’s a powerful one that gives me chills.
_____07 – Rabbit Will Run – Iron & Wine
Iron & Wine is another folk artist (frontman, Sammy) who I saw in Baltimore on April 20th and this is one of my favorite songs, the others being Me & Lazarus and Big Burned Hand and Your Fake Name is Good Enough for Me. It was a great concert, opened by The Low Anthem. Essentially any indie-folk band with a bass clarinet and/or baritone saxophone will be able to make it into my heart.
_____08 – Mexican Standoff – Elbow
Before I started my folk kick, my favorite band at the time was Elbow. Their song, One Day Like This, came up on my Arcade Fire Pandora station and I loved it. That song and another, Grace Under Pressure, are my favorites, but Mexican Standoff is a close third.
_____09 – Lotus Flower – Radiohead
Lotus Flower is from Radiohead’s most recent album and, although I tend to prefer their older stuff, the music video for this is great, with frontman Thom Yorke dancing alone. It’s simple, but it’s catchy and beautiful.
_____10 – Butterflies & Hurricanes – Muse
I used to really, really like Muse, but now I have to be in the right mood, otherwise they are obnoxious. Frontman Matthew Bellamy has a powerful voice and this song has an amazing piano interlude.
_____11 – In the Land of Magnolias – Vitas
Vitas is a Russian pop singer with an incredible male falsetto range. His music can be really weird, but it’s perfect when I want something different.
_____12 – Shiller – Ratatat
My obsession with Ratatat occurred at the same time as my obsession with Elbow (and Pheonix and Matt & Kim and Miike Snow and Passion Pit) and they are what I listen to when I have heavy reading I need to get through. Shiller is tied with Lex and Wildcat as my favorite.
_____13 – Rothko Fields – S. Carey
S. Carey is my current obsession. Sean Carey is the drummer/pianist for musician, Bon Iver (bone ee-vair), and this is his minimalist folk project. I saw S. Carey on April 1 and it was incredible. I consider it to be one of the most moving shows I’ve seen, second only to the 2nd time I saw mewithoutyou, followed by when I saw Phish.
_____14 – We Fell – S. Carey
Although S. Carey’s Rothko Fields is absolutely my favorite, I couldn’t put just one of his songs on this mix.
_____15 – White Noise – Mogwai
I chose to close this mix with White Noise by Mogwai because it is a great cool down electronic piece that makes great background music or a great closer to what I hope you think is an awesome mix.

Before I discovered Elbow and the mix of artists that came along with them, I was really into two bands, but could not fit any more music on this mix. So I advise you to check out Two Door Cinema Club (my favorite song is Do You Want it All?) and The Bravery (the first song I heard was An Honest Mistake and my favorite songs are Believe, This is Not the End, and Tragedy Bound [explicit]). Lastly, if you like dubstep (or if you have no idea if you like dubstep), my two favorites are 1975 by Zeds Dead and Cracks Begin to Show (Flux Pavilion Mix) by Freestylers.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

30 Songs

2011-04-27T13:43:00.001-07:00

01 - your favorite song
It's impossible to choose. Right now, anything by S. Carey and Big Blood and
iron & Wine and Dead Man's Bones and Zeds Dead. But let's go with Rothko Fields
by S. Carey.

02 - your least favorite song
Easy. Photograph by Nickelback. And anything by Nickelback.

03 - a song that makes you happy
Sing, Sing, Sing by Benny Goodman. Jazz Band was finishing up this song when I
arrived to rehearsal yesterday and all I wished was that I knew how to Charleston
so that I could dance into the band room. This song makes you want to move.

04 - a song that makes you sad
That one worship song that includes the line, "Like a rose trampled on the ground."
It's entirely unnecessary for a popular worship song to be so emo.

05 - a song that reminds you of someone
Most of the later tracks of Joy Electric's Hello Mannequin album and most every
song by Death Cab for Cutie. But I'm trying to forget both of those associations
so that I can enjoy the music independently once again. But to pick one song, I
would say the song about bees by Steve Vai just because I dislike it so much.

06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere
Somewhere? Huh. I guess any song by any band or artist I've ever seen perform. To
pick one awesome one, I would have to say You Enjoy Myself by Phish. They did the
coolest vocal jam EVER.

07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event
These are all the same question, only slightly different. I don't have an answer
to this one right now...

08 - a song that you know all the words to
So many. But Rob Dougan's Left Me for Dead and mewithoutyou's Gentlemen are two
I'll never ever unlearn.

09 - a song that you can dance to
Every single crappy pop hip hop song on the radio with a strong bass beat. There
was one I heard on Monday that I LOVED and wanted to get the name of it so I could
request it at the HOBY dance, but I didn't catch enough of the words and I remember
none of them now. So let's say Right Round by Flo Rida. Unlike Dead or Alive's
You Spin Me Round, which I find terribly difficult to dance to. To which I find it
terribly difficult to dance. >.<

10 - a song that makes you fall asleep
Uh. N/A? A lot of people would say anything classical, but that's false for me. So
instead I'll just name a classical song... Tres Gnossiennes by Erik Satie.

11 - a song from your favorite band
That's as impossible as asking my favorite song. Right now I have Rabbits Will Run
by Iron & Wine stuck in my head.

12 - a song from a band you hate
I also already answered this. Another band I dislike is Alien Ant Farm. Haha.

13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure
Every crappy pop hip hop song that is on the radio. Also, things like Lead Me by
Raze. Haha.

14 - a song that no one would expect you to love
Every crappy pop hip hop song that is on the radio. OH and lots of people are
surprised to learn just how much I love Eminem, particularly Love the Way You Lie.

15 - a song that describes you
I'm going to just pick an arbitrary song and tell everyone to listen to Buried
Alive by Dead Man's Bones.

16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
I don't hate it, but I no longer listen to or care about Yellowcard's Only One.

17 - a song that you hear often on the radio
Christina Perri's Jar of Hearts (which I am a huge fan of). Of which I am a huge fan.

18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
mewithoutyou's The Crow, The Fox, and The Cookie. Rather, The Fox, The Crow, and
the Cookie.

19 - a song from your favorite album
How about a song from my favorite Beck album? Which would be Sunday Sun from Sea Change.

20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry
Strip by Rammstein... which randomly popped into my head on Monday when I was
packing up my car. Such a good song.

21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy
Absolutely that would be Ratatat's Lex.

22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad
I refuse to listen to music when I'm sad, lest any particular artist or song will
become associated with that momentary depression. So instead, you should listen to
Mogwai!

23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding
No question. Instrumental by Rob Dougan.

24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
I don't particularly want to have a funeral? So instead, you should listen to
Rods N Cones by Blue Man Group. Really.

25 - a song that makes you laugh
Uh. None? No, I lied. Beware the Friendly Stranger by Boards of Canada, well-known
for its use in Saladfingers.

26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
Eminem's Love the Way You Lie, but I already used that. So... the theme song from
Disney-Pixar's Up.

27 - a song that you wish you could play
Arcade Fire's My Body is a Cage. Also, I just found free piano sheet music for
Jar of Hearts. The music video is SO good.

28 - a song that makes you feel guilty
Uh... N/A. So, instead, look up Major Tom by Shiny Toy Guns.

29 - a song from your childhood
The platypus song by Buddy Davis. Haha. Maybe my obsession with him is resurfacing
as my current obsession with hipster-folk music?

30 - your favorite song at this time last year
I Will Possess Your Heart by Death Cab for Cutie.

Yay, music! <3

Group Projects

2011-04-04T17:00:00.000-07:00

Due to the sensitivity of this topic and the likelihood that it will inevitably
resemble actual persons, I am going to try and keep this as objective and research-
based as possible. This blog was never meant to be a place for rants and I apologize
that one of my recent posts slipped in and out of ranty-ness. Even worse than this,
it ended up being a passive way to confront the situation and, if you're a regular
reader, you may be aware of how much I am bothered by passivity.

Also, I am now aware that the grumpiness of current group members was due less to
maladaptive group dynamics and more to an equal disdain for group projects. Huh.

"We are a group but we do not want to be; we are a forced group; we do not feel as
if we are a truly united group." (Thanks, Group Process! Most-enriching course that
I do not enjoy!)

Anyway.

A Study, Analysis, and Critique of Group Projects in a School Setting (Primarily College)

To be informed by objective research and current studies within the course, Group Process

What is the rationale behind group projects in a college setting?

The typical reasoning I have heard within casual conversations with faculty is that
group projects prepare students for the future requirement of working well with
others in the workforce. One specific professor expressed that this is an outdated
philosophy. I'm not quite convinced it was ever in-date.

Public education in general (particularly elementary and secondary schools) is
structured to condition students to enter the factory workforce. They are trained
in both broad categories, such as attention to detailed instructions and following
authority, and small details, such as becoming accustomed to being directed by a
bell. Elementary and secondary schools are factories for future factory-workers.
This particular model is outdated, as 11% of Americans worked in manufacturing in
2008. And that's all of manufacturing, not just factory-line production jobs.

So, public elementary and secondary education structure is behind-the-times in regards
to these instances of conditioning (surprise, surprise). Is college education group
project-centered structure likewise outdated? Honestly, I'm not sure. I would need
to interview a variety of people within the modern workforce to try and gauge how
applicable past group project experiences are to their current careers. In pure
speculation, I imagine that it is generally important in most workplaces to be able
to work well with others (see examples of workplace group dynamic conflict in shows
such as The Office and Traffic Light or the movie Office Space). Life is social.
It is generally important to be able to work well with others in a variety of contexts,
whether within career or otherwise (being a good conversationalist at family events;
being a non-grumpy customer when interacting with servers, cashiers, and other
service workers; and so on).

Do college group project assignments reflect group assignments that are common in
goal-oriented groups, such as those found within workplaces? I speculate no, but I
cannot say for sure. I speculate no mostly because it's my gut feeling. I'd like to
say that work pressures are different from school pressures because students are so
severely focused on grades, but employees are likewise focused on keeping their jobs.
I'm not sure how else school (specifically college) is different from a job because
I have only limited experience in the workforce.

I do, however, have a bit of experience working in groups that are not school-related.

First, I have been an active member of two committees at a local youth and family
community theater. The first, the teen committee, was during my junior year of high
school and consisted of three or four high school students and one or two adult
advisors (the numbers fluccuated). I had probably done a group project or two before
this time (yes, at least one for speech class at HACC), but my ability to participate
in and contribute to the committee was not largely influenced by past group project
experience. The second was an ad hoc committee during my senior year of high school.
This committee's purpose was to study and analyze ticket sales and theater patrons
in order to somehow increase the numbers of both. This committee met more frequently
than the first (approximately once a month) and I was the only non-adult member.
I was an active participant of the committee, but never explicitly called on past
group project experiences to inform this participation.

Second, my coworkers at my job back home qualify as a group. Perhaps we are more
independent than we are collectively goal-oriented, but there is teamwork. Again, I
never explicitly call on past group project experiences to relate to this group.

Is it possible that my past group project experiences subconciously influenced my
ability to function as a participatory member of these groups? Perhaps, but if
subconscious learning is the only reason to endure school group projects...?

I'm not convinced.

I am currently taking a course called Group Process and Interpersonal Communication.
It is a weird class. But I have learned more about group functioning than I ever
was aware of learning in all of my group project experiences. It's a weird course and
I don't like the class much, but I like the material and the assignments and I can
feel myself becoming more aware. Huzzah, Sociology!

While I am of the school of thought that every skill and area of knowledge can be
improved and increased to an infinite degree, I've felt confident in the areas we
have covered during the course (leadership, conflict management, communication, etc).
Well, maybe not communication, but that's a weird and recent development. Even though
I have felt confident in these skill areas, I am becoming more aware of how they
function within a group setting. I forget where I was going with this, but I think
the point was that I feel confident in my skills and knowledge to function within
a group. Even if I was less aware before taking this course, I still feel that I was
able to function efficiently within a group.

Long story short, group projects have not taught me anything about how to work in a
group with other people.

Do other people need to learn this skill set from experiencing group projects?

Maybe, but I don't want to.

:)

Reading Suggestions

2011-03-29T21:00:00.001-07:00

Read this:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/freedom-learn/200909/why-don-t-students-school-well-duhhhh

And this:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/201103/criminals-look-different-noncriminals

And this:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/20/fashion/20Cultural.html?pagewanted=2&_r=1&adxnnlx=1300824299-mJR7ZISMh6VqxfyYocAjMg

You're welcome.

College - Spring 2011

2011-03-23T10:27:00.001-07:00

My first semester, college was AWESOME. My second semester, college was pretty
sweet, but I was significantly less satisfied. Although, in retrospect, it was a good
semester. Last semester, college was good and school was not fun. I felt like I
learned nothing and I retained little. This semester, college and school are okay and
I'm happy, even though I'm frequently bored.

Don't get me wrong, I love college and I love Bridgewater and am still wholly
committed to her. And, it's not so much that I have complaints, it's just that I see
a lot of areas where things could be improved. Overall, my college is satisfactory,
but there are lots of little details that could really make it awesome.

In regards to this, there is a continuum (surprise, surprise) that goes from harping
on every little detailed flaw on one end to ignoring those details and being passive
and satisfied on the other. In the middle lies a balance of active participation in
striving for greater satisfaction. So, no, I'm not going to list the little details that
bug me. From now on, I'm going to try and filter out what I believe really is not so
important from what I think really does need changed. And we'll see what I end up
with and what is actually feasible to change.

There is a continuum that goes from considering every positive possibility and being
greatly dissatisfied on one end to being stagnantly satisfied and ignoring every
possibility for greater satisfaction on the other.

Surprise, satisfaction.

Well, that's what I'm THINKING. Let's talk about what I'm DOING.

Psychology Research Methods
Ehhh. My professor is very much close to my conceptualization of a utopia professor,
according to my "If I Were a Teacher." And I like the class, it just has a tendency
to not keep me awake because so much of this is review from Socio Methods-I last
semester. It also has the potential to muddle things in my head because it is very
much overlapping with Socio Methods-II and the styles of these professors are a bit
different and learning the same information twice in slightly different ways with
slightly different details potentially causes some confusion. Also, this course will
be a good opportunity to practice empowerment and transformational leadership
because I am fairly confident in my knowledge of this information and am planning
to relent a lot of power to other people for the group project so that they can get
the most out of the learning experience. Third test on Friday. I met with my prof.
this afternoon to finalize and confirm the psych classes I am taking next year for my
minor and we also momentarily discussed methods class and how he can frequently
feel (and empathize with) my boredom and how he should not be concerned if I step
back within the group project in order to empower my classmates to learn.

Today, we were working on our project methodology and there was a pretty stark
conflict because two of our members were opposed to ( as in, "not at all interested in")
the design that had been determined last week. It was weird. Thanks to Group Process,
I was extremely aware of the tension. Or, thanks to Group Process, I saw where tension
should be and succeeded in fabricating how the group felt. Maybe that's what I
understand least about Group Process... I'm starting to see when typical group events
(ie, conflict) occur, but an observer (whether internal or external, overt or covert) cannot
infer that every member of the group feels the typical feeling associated with specific
events. …which I guess is okay, as long as the observer recognizes that. Reflexivity.

Geology
Geology is a fine gen ed class. Lots of millions and billions and lots of kids who
don't pay nearly enough attention, but it's okay. I don't hate it, but it's not my favorite.
Second test on Wednesday. I do enjoy the concepts we’re learning, but the class really
drags on. It’s from 10-10:50am and, every time I look at the clock expecting class to
be nearly over, it’s only ~10:30am.

Group Process
Weird weird weird weird WEIRD class. At first, it made me super super nervous.
Then, I really started to enjoy it and it was my favorite and it was awesome. Now?
I really don't like it much at all. I do feel like I am learning a lot about group process
and, in terms of the COURSE, it's great. In terms of the CLASS, I feel quite a bit of
tension, although it's usually below the surface. [insert previous discussion of tension
here] For the course term paper, I am observing Jazz Band. So far, it’s been pretty
sweet because I already knew I love ethnography and ethnography-like things. The
hardest part is the fact that I have to observe and participate at the same time. It can be
really overwhelming. I wonder if anyone in Jazz Band has gotten the feeling that I’m
creeping on them. Anyway. The outline for that paper consists of Humor, Authority,
Subgroups by Section, and Cliques. So yeah, I definitely like the class more than I like
the course. Yay, Sociology!

Social Inequality
Being polite, this course is fluff. It is a 400-level course and has so much potential to be
really enriching. After all, it is a required course for Sociology majors. Last week, as a
study of the effects of class inequality, we watched The Notebook. I feel like it would
have been a more enriching and applicable choice to watch The Aristocats. (and, while
The Notebook is good, The Aristocats is AWESOME) There's a really strange disconnect
in the course. The professor always emphasizes how this is a 400-level course and we
are expected to execute 400-level Sociological thought and analysis. But instead, we're being
told how to formulate paper intros and thesis statements, watching The Notebook, and
just skimming the surface of an analysis of inequality. Watch out, future students of this
course, I'm going to tear it apart on the evaluation. I'm also going to suggest
watching The Aristocats in future semesters. That is my gift to you.

Socio Methods-II
Going well. I'll have more to say once data analysis begins. Data collection closed today
and I have all of my data entered, as of 4pm today. I’m probably going to back off a bit
from helping my classmates so much. Maybe. It’s frustrating and time-consuming, but I
feel somewhat obligated. Compassion? I dunno. But we have tutors… But I understand
students probably feel more comfortable asking a peer rather than a professor or tutor…
But… Empowerment, empowerment, empowerment. Right? Right.

Also, there was ridiculous drama Wednesday and Thursday between some students
over the homework that was due Thursday. It was ridiculous. In class on Thursday, the
professor admitted that he had not explained the assignment sufficiently and that points
would be given for either of the two answers that were ill-explained. There was no real
reason for all the drama that occurred. So yeah, I’ll try to be more empowering, but what
really needs to happen is for everyone to take personal responsibility for their own stuff
and not judge their correctness based on the answers of another student. Ughhhh.

Piano
Also going well, although I feel like I'm learning significantly less literature than any
previous semester. But that's perfectly fine with me. The Beethoven piece took a lot of
time and I did that for the General Recital last week. The Mozart piece is different than
what I usually learn, but it's fairly simple. I started with the second movement and have
started working on the first movement, but haven't played it for my teacher yet. And
then there's the Scarlatti piece. I learned a Scarlatti sonata last semester and tackled
it with relative ease. But this semester's piece is killing me. Well, kind of. I just don't particularly
like it. I'm not sure if the difference in Scarlatti experiences is due to a difference between
the pieces or a difference between piano teachers.

Today, my teacher and I spent the entire 30-minute lesson working on the Scarlatti piece.
He had me tear it apart by working hands separately and writing down fingerings. He
said the moral of today that, for anything you’re going to do that you’re less than familiar
with, you need to have a plan. Life lessons from Dr. Taylor. :)

Jazz
Also going well. Not much to say because we’re currently experiencing the liminality
between the high from a really great concert and the commitment to working toward the
next concert.

Library
Working at the library is probably one of my favorite things about Bridgewater, actually.
I wonder if I could get a library job for a few hours a week wherever I decide to go to
Grad School. You know, in addition to a real job and/or an internship. I love seeing so
many people in such a short time and serving as a distraction from homework for people
who want to stop by and talk. It’s the best.

Book Club
To counteract the boredom I had been experiencing earlier in the semester, I met with
my PDP advisor, who is an English Professor, to discuss the possibility of starting an
informal book discussion club. We’re doing it. For right now, as far as I know, it’ll be
just him and me, but we’re meeting on Friday to discuss Neuromancer. I’m super
excited that he’s excited about my dystopian list of books to read. SUPER excited.

French Horn

After not touching my French horn all year, I met with Dr. Weir on Friday to make
sure it was in tune, learn a bit about French horn, and have a very simple beginner
lesson. It’s feasible, but it’s going to take some time and I probably won’t be able
to devote enough time to it during the rest of the semester. We’ll see. Summer goal
number one!

Housing

In a last minute scramble, I applied for an RA position for next year and had an
interview. I didn’t get the position, but I found three new apartment mates and the four
of us will be living in the Stone Village next year. SUPER excited.

Additionally, I dyed my hair “violet soft black” on Saturday and dyed “soft black” over
that because it was too light and too purple. Well, not really too purple. It was in a weird
middle area where it was neither purplepurple or if it was purplyblack. It’s now mostly
black with some reddish-purple undertones and I love it. SUPER excited.

Also, my HOBY friend in Baltimore posted about a Matt and Kim show on June 1 and
I said that I would come down to attend that with her. I happened to browse the other
shows that were occurring at the venue and saw that Iron and Wine (opening with The
Low Anthem) was playing on April 20. I’m going. Even though it’s a school night, even
though I’ll have to drive three hours up to see the show and three hours down for my
Thursday 8am and three hours on Thursday to go home for Easter. Theoretically, I could
just bail on my Thursday classes and go straight home from Baltimore, but Jazz Band
is supposed to be playing a set at the retirement community that afternoon. But even
though, I’m going. SUPER excited.

Also, I added semester end-date to my criteria for prospective grad schools and all of the
schools on my current list (Pitt, Bryn Mawr, Gallaudet) end early enough for me to keep
attending HOBY. HOBY every year for the rest of my life, forever. SUPER excited.

And, on an unrelated note, I think "army wives," "army girlfriends," and the like
serve a really important purpose for the mental health of spoken-for military
members. Sure, the soldiers want to return home to their family, neighborhood, and
so on, but there's even more motivation to stay alive when a significant relationship
(ie, romantic) is involved. I wonder if military members are even more susceptible
to mental health breakdown due to the breakup of their military-civilian relationship.
Or maybe they use denial by focusing even more on their military life? Or maybe
civilians generally avoid ending civilian-military relationships while their significant
other is away? That seems plausible.

And, finally, in conclusion, I'm really sorry if my posts tend to be redundant
restatements of what I've said before. I have experienced conversations where each
new conversation is a shallow rehashing of everything that's already been covered.
And I don't want to do that, so I hope I'm able to be a bit deeper in my redundancies
than simply repeating what I've said before with no additional insight(s).

Not Title-able

2011-02-20T19:23:00.000-08:00

I'm not quite in the proper mood to write a blog, but I have a fairly substantial
chunk of time I need to kill.

Remember how I said Lord of the Flies was next on my reading list? I mistakenly got
The Grapes of Wrath from the library and am currently working on reading that. I'm
taking my time because it's not the easiest read, but I like it so far. Yes, even the
four chapters about the turtle crossing the road. There was a severe disconnect for
quite some time because I had looked up the synopsis of Lord of the Flies, expecting
to read that next and, for quite some time, while I was reading the chapters about
the turtle and the dust storms, I kept wondering when the characters would end up on
a remote island and have to establish their own government. Heh. Good old disconnect.
I also got Neuromancer from the library and it is sitting on my pile for when I
finish The Grapes of Wrath. My goal is to finish The Grapes of Wrath by my birthday.

Oh, hey! My birthday's coming up! Should I be excited? I'm not. I'm usually not a
particularly excitable person, actually. And, even I were a more excitable person,
it's only number twenty. The only significant landmark associated with twenty is the
cessation of the teenage age and the accomplishment of being one more year closer to
legal freedom. Haha, legal freedom. Anyway. Birthday? No big deal. I only noticed it
was coming up because I was working at the library and the due date for some items
happened to be the date of my birthday.

There was an article in the most recent edition of the college newspaper that started
out by saying "I hate Valentine's Day!" The author went on to simply say that the
day always reminds him of his loneliness. The rest of the article had nothing to do
with Valentine's Day OR his loneliness.

I will be having an interview sometime next week for my application to be an RA next
year and, with a fear of high expectations in mind, I AM SO EXCITED.

Also, today I met with a Sociology professor to get general advice about grad school.
I had arrived early and was waiting in the lounge when she arrived and asked me if
she was late. She made no move to look at a watch, so I'm guessing she doesn't wear
one. Neither do I, but my phone is my timekeeper. I started not wearing a watch a
few years ago for one of my classes as an experiment in sacrifice and relaxation.
The experiment required me to not wear a watch for a full week. I haven't worn one
since - with the exception of during my trip to Australia. And then I became more
and more attached to my phone. And then I entered a world where the structure is
mandated by time and anxiety has been conditioned with being late. So, essentially,
the world I'm in doesn't allow a timeless freedom and that's a shame because I
really do enjoy it. But, no, I'm held to my class schedule, my work schedule, my
activity schedule, the dining schedule, and so on. I've known people on both sides
of the continuum in regards to responding to this structure. I know the kind who
rebel completely and lose almost all sense of time. I know the kind who embrace the
overwhelming nature of structure with multiple calendars or other methods of
keeping a schedule. I'm suppose I'm close to being balanced and moderate, but I
would prefer to be more toward the timeless side. In my current environment, the
best way to make that happen would be to schedule all classes in one big chunk each
day. That way, I could keep going until I was done and wouldn't have to look at the
time, except to know when to start.

Speaking of being overwhelmed, I feel that I've become even more OCD since the
beginning of this semester. For nearly a week, almost every day, I've been writing
myself a daily to-do list. To me, this seems excessive. Am I busier? Have I too much
to do? No, just the opposite. I have things to do, obviously, but I have just little
enough that suppose I fear it would be easy to sit and do nothing. So, instead,
I've been writing myself daily to-do lists that I commit myself to completing before
I allow myself to sit and do nothing. Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. This sounds like
workaholicism to me (which, apparently, I've never posted about?). Not allowing one's
self to enjoy nothingness until everything is completed? I do believe that was my
brother and my working definition of workaholicism... Oh dear, dear, dear. But it
can't be! I've been doing SO much nothing! I watched the entire first season of a
new tv show over the past two days! I'm doing nothing right now! I'm going to do
nothing tonight! Perhaps this workaholicism would only be a severe problem if I had
much more to do and thus never scheduled time for myself to do nothing. Maybe it's
okay so long as I don't get to the point where I would need to schedule time to do
nothing? Even so, my increasing reliance upon daily to-do lists is becoming a bit
disconcerting...

From Thursday to yesterday, I had a test in all four of my classes that have tests.
I will post a school update when all of those have been returned.

Also, I am really, really static-y. I'm at the library and, every time I get up to
go to the laptop shelves, I get shocked on the metal case. And, every time I sit
back down in the computer chair, I get shocked on my laptop. Ahhhhhghghhrhrghghgh.

Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T11:05:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day

I think it's a stupid holiday.

Am I single? Yes, but that's not why I think it's stupid, I promise.

My relationship status does not influence this opinion. Just like the date of
February 14th should not influence how people act toward their significant others.

Going above and beyond simply because it is February 14th, to me, has a sense of
insincerity. If you're going to go above and beyond toward your significant other,
you should go above and beyond every day. It's a matter of integrity.

Similarly, the fact that February 14th causes the above and beyond to be societally
expected adds another level of insincerity. Going above and beyond simply because
it is expected by both society and one's significant other, well, it starts to feel
like lying.

Today, I deliberately wore green in protest. Petty? Probably. Clever? I think so.

What most amuses me is that the general reaction to my opinion is that I am bitter
because I am single. When I argue that is not the case, I am probably labeled as
in-denial. I can't say anything to make you believe me other than that that is false.

In contrast, I am not a relationship cynic to the point where I disregard the
significance of anniversaries or random acts of romance. While anniversaries may be
able to be argued against in the same fashion as the above (because they tend to
become societally and romantically expected), to me, an anniversary is different
than Valentine's Day because, while expected, the date holds significance.

Here's an open invitation to argue why the date of February 14th is significant and
how that significance is legitimate.

Anyway. Anniversaries are okay (in moderation... one week? Ridiculous.) because they
can express dedication and re-dedication to the relationship, as well as significance
of both the relationship and the date. Anniversaries are alright because the date
does hold significance for the relationship, as it is when the connection was really
(really meaning officially and/or publicly) solidified.

But the premise of Valentine's Day? To show extra affection toward one's significant
other? No. There is no real reason, other than society. And to show extra affection
on one particular day for no legitimate reason (anniversary) looks like a lack of
integrity which looks like insincerity.

I feel like I'm going to repeat myself if I keep writing, so I'll simply end with one
more way to convince you of my honesty.

I do not support the premise of Valentine's Day. Similarly, I do not support the
premise of Mother's and Father's Days, much to the dismay of my mother. Sorry, mom.

Regardless, my mom sent me roses and baby's breath, but not because society expected
her to, simply because she loves me. Right, mom? Also, because they were on sale. :)

Lastly, because I was just questioned... it is not a matter of me disliking today.
It is a matter of me disagreeing with the entire premise. :)

Happy Monday!

Sleep, Leaps, and Feminism. (And Dystopia Binge)

2011-02-07T16:17:00.000-08:00

I am so sleepy. In retrospect, I feel like I always require more and more sleep as
life continues.

During my senior year of high school, a typical day looked like this:
Wake up around 5am
Work from 5:30am-noon
Stop at home for some lunch
Go to Algebra class at PSU York from 1-1:50pm
Babysit from 2-5pm
Run home for some dinner
Go to class at HACC York from 6:30-9:35pm
Go home and do some homework before going to bed
Wake up around 5am
Work from 5:30am-...
And so on and so forth.

How did I not die? AND how did I get all my work done?

During my first semester here at Bridgewater, roomie and I would stay up until
about 1am, on average. Usually a little later; sometimes much earlier.

During my second semester here at Bridgewater, I stayed up until about 2am, on
average. Sometimes a little later; sometimes a little earlier.

Last semester, roomie and I were tired around 11pm and exhausted by midnight.

This semester, I'm sleepy NOW. I could go to bed right now and be totally okay
with that. (It's currently 7:30pm. I don't know why the timestamp on this says
4:13pm.)

When did I get so old?

And it's not like I didn't sleep last night. I was in bed at midnight and set my
alarm at 12:15am. I don't recall waking up until 8am. Theoretically, I got enough
sleep. I can't say whether or not I slept well, but I should have slept enough.

I was planning on taking a nap today, but didn't have time. I didn't have much to
do today, as far as actual work; but only had 3.5 hours of genuine free time.
Genuine free time meaning no scheduled classes or meetings or work that can be
filled by leisure activities, eating, sleeping, or homework.

The point of all this is that I am ridiculously sleepy. I'm not even particularly
tired or exhausted; just sleepy.

On a side note, I seem to have taken to the style of attaching an end-thought with
a semi-colon, rather than making it a sentence fragment.

That was pointless.

In other news, I've still been thinking about leaps. I'm currently at the library,
working my shift from 7-9pm, and the girl that I relieved is a Freshman. She is
a Freshman. Sorry, feminists. I met her last semester through a friend who is now
an RA and I think one of my suitemates had a class with her. Anyway. She is a
Freshman and, immediately after I thought of that, my mind reminded me that, last
year, I was a Freshman. That makes me feel really weird. Granted, I am in a complex
position... being a second-year student, but also a Junior who will graduate in
fifteen months. Sheesh. That makes me feel weird, too.

I was a Freshman last year, but I don't feel like I was a Freshman last year.

Leap.

Although it does make sense... technically, I was a first-year college student when
I was a Junior in high school. Almost. I'd frame it more in the sense that I was a
first-year college student during my Junior and Senior years of high school. So,
following this train, I was more of a Sophomore during my first year at Bridgewater.
In some terms, I was a Freshman; but I wasn't and I didn't feel like it. But I also
didn't feel like a first-year.

Anomaly.

I probably wrote about this somewhere last year. It mostly feels weird to say "last
year." It feels like longer than that.

Perception.

I probably wrote about this somewhere last year. The complexity of being a first-
year, non-transfer, homeschooled, Sophomore college student.

Yup, anomaly. (what a strange-looking word)

I'd like to write about feminism, but I'd want to do some legitimate research in
order to actually be able to know what I'm talking about, primarily in regards to
the first-, second-, and third-waves of feminism. Maybe when I meet with another
Sociology professor to discuss grad school advice, I'll ask her to tell me about it.
I'm certain that she would be thrilled to share with me. Anyway. I'd like to write
about feminism, but I don't want to do the research right now and Wikipedia was
entirely not helpful (for once).

In regards to being sleepy, I wonder if it has something to do with how little
work I have to do as of yet. Sure I have work to do and I have been doing work, but
I mentally-prepared myself for the most difficult and time-consuming semester of my
entire college career. So far, it's let me down. But that's perfectly fine.

And shhhhh, don't tell Bridgewater, lest a hurricane of assignments arrive in my lap.

Anyway. This hypothesis was more fleshed out in my mind, but it bores me now.

That's really all I wanted to write about, but I'll go ahead and talk about my
dystopia binge. I've been reading for pleasure so much, as of late. It all started
when a student in my Interterm class mentioned A Brave New World. I immediately
checked it out from the library and read it. Next, I read A Clockwork Orange.
Next on the list was 1984, but I first watched the movie version of A Clockwork
Orange. While I am the type of person to generally prefer books over movies*, the
movie was very well-done and the last scene made a much greater impression visually,
as opposed to the book.

*Although I mostly do agree with the argument that books and movies are very, very
different media and cannot be compared very well and usually should not be compared.

Next was 1984. After that, I read a borrowed copy of The Perks of Being a Wallflower,
which, while a deviation from my dystopia binge, was highly recommended and extremely
worth my time.

Right now, I am reading The Catcher in the Rye. While it is technically a coming-of-
age novel, it's very good so far and may end up relating to Perks. I'm not sure yet,
as I'm only at page 88 out of 214, and I didn't know any of the plot before reading
it. But anyway, it's been on my list to read for quite some time.

While I was reading Clockwork, I began to realize that I was on a dystopia binge
and compiled a list of dystopia novels, according to a few internet sources. Next
on the list is Lord of the Flies.

Speaking of dystopia stories, I also enjoy a few apocalyptic stories, although I am
nowhere near as obsessed with them as old mister Nathan was. However, if you'd like
a good, heart-wrenching short story to read, look up "Song Before Sunset" by David
Grigg. It's ridiculous because you figure out what's coming before it does and it
is a strange feeling to know what is going to happen and be able to see it unfold
before you. Premonition does not lessen the emotion of watching that event.

I'm not sure if I'll be in the mood to read Lord of the Flies. If not, I'll move it
down a few spots on my list and read Neuromancer by Willam Gibson.

I think I may have just overheard a student say that "efficacy" and "efficiency" are
the same thing. Oh dear, dear, dear.

Upcoming Topics:
Morals and Ethics: Word Study
Motivation: Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic

Vulnerable

2011-02-02T21:33:00.000-08:00

The following post was first written in my personal journal yesterday, February 2, 2011. I will
gently edit it to post here.

I have a feeling that it would be a good idea to read this post in its entirety or not at all, as
topic order is a bit inconsistent, because I did not edit it in regards to organization and thus
follows the mental flow of a real journal entry. I edited very little.

Here's to being vulnerable. Cheers.

_______________________________________________________________

February 2, 2011

Well, it took eight days of being in the Spring semester, but I finally feel good about school.
Really. I feel so good. I felt really good on the last night of Interterm - Jan 20 - and that lasted
the weekend to the first day of Spring classes - Jan 26. Both of these times - that weekend and
right now - it's been a really deep, sincere kind of good. A good that I hadn't felt in a long, long
time. I estimate at least a year. And it had to have been fairly over a year, now that I think
about it in terms of landmark events. A few weeks ago, I realized it was soon going to be a year
since I "met" Nathan. That felt weird. I told Ryan and he didn't get it. But it's a landmark. And
it feels weird to see those landmarks moving further and further away. Like I can think about
other landmarks and they feel so strange... A best friend friendship really fell apart back in
Autumn '04. '04! That's six and half years and that length of time feels a bit ridiculous. Even
saying I met Jeremy and Ken September '07 sounds like an age ago. I was sixteen. Sheesh.
And I think I'm a baby now. Anyway. The point of this is that I hadn't been deeply and
sincerely happy (satisfied?) for quite some time. Sure, I was happy, but not like this. Not this
good. And sure, I can never know for sure because happiness is subjective, especially when it
gets skewed by memory and time, but I know that, right now, I feel really good.

You know what I miss? Having someone read my journal. Rather, writing a journal specifically
for someone to read and evaluate my reflections. (I suppose that's why I decided to post most
of this journal entry.) In the post before my last, I was alluding to the fact that the fundamental
thing in a relationship is to have a compatible dating/relationship philosophy and how that was
what I currently had. But things (change, progress; but neither of those are the right words)
happen in leaps. I posted about compatible philosophies a few days before Ryan and I began to
break up.

...began to break up. I find a lot of truth in that sentiment. In my experience, however limited
it may be, that's how it happens. With Nathan, we began to break up because he ignored me.
With Ryan, we began to break up when we both acknowledged the distance was harder than
we anticipated and that it would only get worse. I wonder if there are ever instances where two
people begin to break up, but don't. And, not only do they stay, but the really stay. Not just for
convenience or comfort or some other insecure reason, but because they really want to stay
together. I imagine it's possible, but probably nearly entirely unlikely if one or both persons
frame the obstacle in terms of beginning to break up. "What we believe to be real is real in its
consequences." (Thomas Theorem, self-fulfilling prophecy)

I'm entirely not writing about what I intended to write about. But I feel so good. And I'm happy
with my writing style. And I am so independent, but not alone. I know I'm jumping all over the
place, but I'll blame it on the fact that I started reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower last
night and finished tonight. So some of that frantic writing style has been absorbed.

Anyway. I hadn't been happy with my writing style for a short time. I wrote academically well
enough, but couldn't really bring myself to write privately and be satisfied with how I said what
I had to say. My writing had been called repetitive and unclear. And I know I can be redundant.
It's how I find the right, best way to say something. I don't delete the first tries because they
add poetry. But I tried to be more concise and I couldn't. It was like trying to be concise
suffocated my mind to the point where I couldn't communicate sufficiently at all. I really do
sound like Perks right now.

In the meantime, I'm trying to decide if and how I want to post this as a blog. I feel like not
posting the whole thing would do it a disservice and that it would be really freeing to be so
vulnerable. To make myself, no, allow myself to be so vulnerable. That's why I want someone
to read this. I guess there's no reason not to post the whole thing, except that it might seem
less important once it is made public. (I'm posting this nearly in its entirety. I justified the
precious argument because it is equally important to me because it was in my journal first.)

I suppose I should write about academic things. I only hope doing so does not stop me from
feeling so good. Maybe I should write about feeling so good first, so that if academic topics do
interfere, I can read and remind myself. Yes. In short, I really cannot explain it adequately.
(For your information, my new-found happiness was not induced in any artificial way, meaning
I haven't turned to drugs or anything like that. Figured I'd put your mind at ease, mom.)
but I really feel like I am me. Genuinely, sincerely. Thus, I am sincerely happy. I felt like this
Aug-Sep '09 during the first few weeks of my first semester here at BC. Well, the first few weeks
after the first few weeks. I felt genuinely me because no one here knew me and had no
preconceptions or expectations. It felt really good. And that's essentially how I feel now.

I write redundantly, as discussed earlier. I am very independent - I don't mind eating alone or
sitting somewhere by myself to read and write. Conversely, I very much enjoy people - it's why
I like working in the library or walking across campus; I like saying hi to people and I like
people saying hi to me. I don't know what else to say. I feel good right now and, while I want to
keep feeling good, I primarily want to remember that I feel good.

Anyway. (Blubber) Academia!

I really want to draw. Anyway. And sew my pillow. Annnnnyway!

Psychology Research Methods
In class the other day, I was listening to my professor talk about his teaching philosophy and
considering the overall theme of If I Were a Teacher. I think one of the Sociology professors
is probably my favorite teacher here at BC, but this particular Psychology professor is a very
close second. Additionally, I think he best-exemplifies my book. I haven't said this before, but
it feels strange to say "my book" because it's not a book yet. Sometimes I say "my book idea,"
but that is also insufficient because it is more than an idea. "Work-in-progress book?" Too
many words. Anyway. My Psychology professor is great and I'm glad my first class on MWF
is with him because he is an awakening individual. I mean that in the most literal sense. As
for the class, it is super-cake because all this general methodology was drilled into my head
so much last semester. I even opted out of buying the textbook for this class. I know! Me!
Without a textbook! On Monday, we worked in small groups to complete a 40-question test
about APA term paper style. I loved it. SO much. I am SUCH a nerd. We also formulated
concrete groups and chose a topic from provided options and my group is doing something
related to positive allusions vs. reality, which was my first choice. I wonder how much I'll like
this course when I actually have to do any substantial amount of work for it. Probably enough.
Today, we talked about research ethics and if it is ethical to use any deception in research, even
if it is necessary to prevent skewed results. One girl said no and I originally agreed with her,
but as I thought about it, I decided that deceptions is more a matter of morals. In my opinion,
any degree of deception is not moral and should be avoided. But that doesn't mean that there
are never times when it can be ethically justified - whether for research or personal reasons.
Morals and ethics are not the same.

Geology
Geology is fine. Better now that we've actually started talking about rocks and looking at rocks
and touching rocks. I like rocks.

Group Process
A very strange class. I just remember I had to write a journal entry about class yesterday, so
I just did that and now no longer want to write about it here. But I'll try. It's a required course
for Information Systems Management majors and an elective for Sociology majors, so the class
is about half and half. Essentially, the course is as student-led as possible. Discussions, format,
division of assignments, weights of grades, etc. The first day was exciting because it reminded
me of the group lab from SOC101 at HACC, but it was absolutely terrifying. Yesterday was a
zillion times better and I WANT to go tomorrow. So that's good. But it's still scary. I hope it will
turn out to be my favorite course.

Social Inequality
I feel like I hear a lot of terrible things about this course and its professor last semester. But, so
far, so good. The professor is a bit unorganized, but otherwise awesome and hilarious. It's a lot
of review material so far, but I'm trying my best to focus on learning all that I can. That's my
goal for this semester. Also, most of the class is everyone from Methods, so I love having
another class with all of them.

Methods II (Socio)
For the division of labor this semester to actually do the survey, I volunteered to be on Team A
and we will handle the organization/compilation and editing/proofing of the entire survey
instrument. Remember how I said I love to proofread? Yup. It's a giant task, but I get to help
make things consistent! Yay! Yesterday, the time approached and passed 3:30 and I finally
left at 3:50 so that I could be at half of Jazz Band. I hate being late to Jazz, but I even more hate
skipping out on Methods early. A classmate-friend said they didn't get out until at least 4:15.
So that was ridiculously stressful. Actually, yesterday was ridiculously stressful. I think I kind of
forgot how much work is involved in the course. Oh well. Hopefully I keep liking it.

Well. Those are my classes. Jazz Band is pretty good. I think I'll be getting recruited for
Symphonic pretty soon, as that concert is the week before Spring Break and ours is the week
after. Members of the instrumental ensembles are having dinner at P. Corn.'s house next
Thursday. So that's pretty neat-o.

Had my first piano lesson of the semester on Monday and, as much as I was dreading it, I think
it should be a good semester. I feel like my teacher wants to work me really hard, but I'm taking
peace in the fact that he'll understand if the semester fluctuates in busy-ness. He wants me to
work on a piece from each time period and wants me to be genuinely enthusiastic/passionate
about what I'm learning. I think that's possible. All in all, as much as I dread lessons, I do end
up enjoying them and I am so glad my teacher is back. I completely forgot to ask him how his
sabbatical was. Whoops.

On Monday, I had some time to kill between piano/lunch and Psych Methods lab, so I chilled in
the Socio lab for a bit and then wandered around Bowman and walked past my PDP advisor's
office. The door was open and he was sitting with his feet on his desk reading, so I turned around
to say hi. It was a really nice visit. He said he had just read my blog and asked specific questions
in regards to my most recent post. So that was awesome. :) He also asked about the origin of
the name. I'm very glad my roommate was in his English class and that she talked about him
and that I picked him to be my PDP advisor.

As for my goal for this semester, I am trying to learn as best I can. I'm trying to focus less on
the future outcome (grades/GPA). I think focusing on the final, technical outcome hinders
learning. If I focus on that, I get wrapped up in a memorize-to-retain mentality. And that's not
a good method for real, long-time acquisition of knowledge. So I'm really going to try to learn
for the purpose of learning. So far, this new mentality has helped with my Inequality readings.
I feel like I've talked about this before. I know I have. Last semester, I felt like I learned very,
very little. Maybe it was the courses, maybe it was me. Regardless, I want my educational
career (and the rest of my life) not to be like that. Right now, now that I feel good, I want to
learn.

This semester got off to a strange start. Tuesday night before classes was a fun time with a new
friend. Wednesday, as I walked across campus after working at the library, an uncensored
thought entered my head: "I hate school." Whoops. Where did that come from? It was deeply
upsetting, both to have it enter my thoughts without permission and for feeling it as valid. I kept
myself occupied by reading ahead for classes, reading 1984, and spending entirely too much time
on Facebook. The really stressful day was Tuesday, particularly because of the ongoing conflict
between Methods and Jazz. I got The Perks to Being a Wallflower from my friend and began
reading it Tuesday evening, since I had finished 1984 on Sunday. I read 78 of the 213 pages
that evening. I finished the rest this evening. It was so good; precisely what I needed at a very
opportune time. And I'll spread the word: if you haven't read it, please do. It is very easy to
relate to and sincere and transparent. I think transparent is the best word. As I left the library
tonight, I had about ten pages left to read and I felt really, really good. I had started to feel
good earlier today. Monday and most of Tuesday were not very academically productive days,
but I got back into it today.

The end of Perks, my re-commitment to really learning, and my re-decision that productivity
feels good coincided quite well. And yes, I will balance academic productivity with free-time
productivity (playing games with friends and making things) with other productivity (piano
and grad school research).

"Don't let your classes get in the way of your education."

_______________________________________________________________

Upcoming Topics:
Morals and Ethics: Word Study
Dystopia Binge
Motivation: Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic

Leaps and Nonsense

2011-01-30T16:43:00.000-08:00

Let me start out by saying that this may be a difficult and somewhat incoherent read. I don't have much of
a specific plan, so I make absolutely no guarantees that my ideas are anywhere near fleshed-out or sensical
in any way. Enjoy! (note--this post turned out to be relatively short and mostly dumb; so, sorry)

It always surprises me how circumstances and situations and social environments can change so much in
such a short period of time. Progress--and change of any kind--happens in leaps. The present does not
become the past in a neat series of easily-outlined steps. Transitions aren't common? Maybe this is why I
don't believe in tipping points? No, that feels contradictory; what happens to liminality?

I guess it comes down to circumstances? Sometimes change happens in leaps. Sometimes there is a transitory
stage. Sometimes there is liminality. And, even sometimes, maybe there are tipping points.

Needless to say, it seems to me that change most often happens in leaps. Maybe because, in retrospect, we
tend to focus on the major events (the tipping points, I suppose), rather than remembering the small,
easily-outlined steps of progress (neutral).

I met with my advisor on Friday to confirm the concrete plan of classes for next year. It was significantly
easier than I anticipated.

Fall 2011
Socio of the Family
Biological Psychology
Fundamentals of Learning
Counseling
Criminology

Interterm 2012
Field Experience

Spring 2012
Interventive Methods
Public Mental Health
Community
Biology (dunno what kind)
Dev/Underdev of the Modern World OR a 300/400-Level Global Studies SOC course

I also met with another Sociology Professor to discuss Grad School advice.
- go where the money is
- look at field placements
- look at professional options post-graduation
- look at faculty concentrations
- talk to current students/faculty/alumni

Uh... what else? I took a break to get some food and I've forgotten. I know I had much more to say...

For some inspiration, I read a few recent posts.

"There is a young life at stake. I hope you breed resiliency."

Resiliency is such a fascinating topic. It's right up there with body language, social space, multiple
intelligences, and Horney's idealized self.

Also, "How do you handle your failings while trying to help everyone else overcome their own failings?"

Essentially, what if I end up not being cut out for what I have set on my heart to accomplish?

I'm not entirely having a severe crisis of self-doubt, just a little one. The world I live in is not structured in
such a way that I can easily focus on my intangible core values and thus be more constantly satisfied. No,
I have to follow the steps, I do have to go through the motions--at least to some extent. Pick a grad school,
figure out where I want to live, figure out where I want to work, complete grad school, and accomplish all
previously-set goals. The world I live in is not structured in such a way that I can easily remind myself of
Johnny Bunko. I realize there is no plan and I realize that I am inherently more satisfied when I focus on
non-plan things (core vaules!), but there still has to be a plan. Sigh. That's all; baby crisis.

This is veering toward a bit of non-optimism.

CLASSES

Psych Research Methods - So far, so total cake. Thanks, Brazill, for very well teaching me research methods.
I feel very much ahead of this class. Also, I am very excited that the group project entails no actual research,
but rather the analysis of fabricated data. However, boo for group work.

I wonder how effective it is, when teaching a concept or two, to emphasize said concept as terribly difficult.
Does this discourage students? Or encourage them to overcome this obstacle? Or make them feel the
opposite of empowerment because they feel helpless and unintelligent against said obstacle? Circumstances,
kids, I do believe. And method of communication. Saying the same thing can come off either as empowering
or as discouraging. Can we train empowerment?

Geology - Honestly, so far, I like it far less than I thought I would. A close friend suggested I do not like it
because the introductory lessons were of an old-earth, non-creation point of view, which is probably true.
We're starting to get into actual rocks now and, although I get bogged down by the science-y parts of the
readings, hopefully the labs will be enjoyable (first on Wednesday).

Group Process - I really don't even know what to say about this class, other than I was looking forward to it
and it's weird, scary, intimidating, and hopefully awesome and applicable. But I can't tell yet. I feel that we
need more facilitation. Thursday was kind of like drowning in non-productivity. Oh, that explains why I did
not like it.

Social Inequality - I have a feeling this class is going to be a lot of work. But the professor is awesome and a lot
of my classmates are my Methods friends, so it should be a good time. I am desperately trying to focus on
knowledge-acquisition, rather than achievement.

Socio Methods II - First of all, it's going to get confusing to have two methods classes, both of which are
commonly referred to as "Methods." Regardless, I like this class, in spite of how my classmates feel and how
much they disagree. I volunteered to be a part of Team A, and will be one-fifth responsible for the editing
phase of survey production (compilation, proofreading, compilation, proofreading, proofreading, etc).
You should be well-aware of how much I enjoy proofreading.

I really don't like Facebook, but I think I'm more involved with it than ever. Social sabbatical? Perhaps. I'd
rather just try to limit interaction via Facebook. That always seems to remind me of how unnecessary it
really is.

Pitt, Bryn Mawr, Azusa Pacific. So much for grad school in Virginia? Yes, it's looking that way.

First piano lesson tomorrow.

Draft Texts (again) and New Bands

2011-01-18T09:21:00.001-08:00

This needs to be done, so I can clean out my phone. Stupid phone.
(The following are in chronological order with the oldest listed
first. Most will be followed by a commentary.)

______________________________________________________________________

General attribution error works backwards, too. With getting good grades on
assignments, I attribute this to my skills, rather than the teacher's ease.
Thus, I am pressured to keep up the same degree of effort so as to keep my
good grades, even though they may not be too affected due to the possibility
of an easy teacher.

I realize that may not make much sense, but I'm essentially trying to get at
why I'll never really be able to fully relax about school, which I'm perfectly
okay with. But, every semester, I start out thinking that I have to make sure
I do well so that I don't jeopardize my GPA in case I end up having a really
legitimately difficult class in the future. However, as I was thinking about
this today, beginning to say the same thing about the approaching Spring semester,
I predict that I will keep saying the same thing until, surprise! College is over!

--

Evolution cannot acknowledge the human mind because evolution says that we are
no more than animals. Wait, so to believe in evolution-with a human mind-you have
to deny the human mind-your own human mind? That makes sense.

Written while eavesdropping on/not participating in a conversation.

--

You have to communicate with people on their own level.

Why proselytizing doesn't work?

--

Plus of homeschooling: no high school building that acts as a prison for personal
definition.

Plus meaning advantage.

--

How do you practice something you don't know?

Jazz band, probably.

--

If we live by default, we let others write the script for us. Circumstances inspire
default responses.

Excerpts from President Stone's 2010 Commencement Speech don't make as much of an
impact when they're taken out of context...

--

Buena Vista Middle School, Amherst High School, bowling, dinner at Applebee's,
hanging out at hotel. Breakfast, left at 11am, Hidden Valley High, The Country
Store, two at Cave Springs High School, dinner and an hour at Valley View Mall,
hotel, Salem Red Socks vs. Frederick Keys, left before it was over, pizza fiasco
at hotel.

An incomplete itinerary of Jazz Band Tour 2010 (WOO!).

--

Brute force is the only language 95 percent of the population can truly understand.

Something I overheard. I think it's sick.

--

Democrats and Republicans don't fight as much as the media portrays because the
contentious issues are the ones that get publicity. ...right, because there are
essentially no separate parties. They're all in it together.

A quote from the same person and my reaction. There's really not much more to my
political views than "Anti-Party System." Sure, parties are going to naturally
arise because people are attracted to those they can easily relate to. People are
attracted to those to whom they can easily relate? Oh, proper grammar, how strange
you are. It'd be more productive to ask me about my philosophical views, rather
than political. Politics has left a bitter taste in my mouth.

--

Swirlies are the funniest thing that people don't do. ... Did you read Lord of the
Flies? It's all true and it makes me upset. :( Yeah and you keep being bothered
because you are one of the roughest and most pessimistic people I know.

Same person. My response after the emoticon. It gets worse; see below.

--

I believe personally that motivation is more important than results because of my
religious beliefs, but the general belief is that results are more important and
it's difficult to impossible for me to apply the motivation motivation to other
areas of my life outside of religion. Okay first off, everything in every life is
inherently connected - your religion to your friends and your friends to your job
and your job to your religion. Nothing can exist in a vacuum. Second, when you say
motivation, what you really mean is purpose. We are either motivated by purpose or
results, not motivated by motivation or results. Third, oh hey, lack of integrity.
Connected to a lack of integrity are shallowness and superficiality.

Same person. My responses starting with "Okay." I had had enough after all this and
ended up removing myself and sitting in a corner. Good day. -_- Am I too mean and
reactionary? Probably. But how can I not talk about terrible arguments?

--

You're on stage makes us want to perform, which is not what we want.

Just a thought. Referring to life as a stage promotes a lack of integrity, which is
NOT what we should want.

--

Feed companies add tastycake products to feed to make them appealing because
animals don't naturally eat feed. Color of yolk controlled by diet.

Some fun facts from a HOBY field trip to Wenger Feeds!

--

Just because it's a good deal, doesn't mean it's not expensive.

No comment necessary, lol.

--

Being defined by your high school. Example of anxiety because of SAT for the third
time.

This connects to the previous draft text about a plus of homeschooling.

--

HLS 1142

Hahahahahahaha.

--

I tend to feel my best at school because I know how to handle school and am quite
good at it. I feel my best at school because it is a confidence boost. Otherwise,
I honestly don't know what I'm doing, which upsets me, makes me feel emotionally
unhealthy, and upsets me even more.

There's PROBABLY something wrong with me. Hah. But this is why I like school. I like
school mostly because I'm good at it. When I'm succeeding at school, I feel like I
can take on the world. Success and confidence is contagious, I suppose. I suppose
that my life-quest will be to find a career that makes me feel how school does.

--

Integrity is integral. Seven intelligences. If it's worth it after the glass shatters.

Just some random thoughts and stuff I want to study. Look up the seven intelligences.
Also, if you haven't seen the episode of "How I Met Your Mother" that is about the
phenomenon of glass shattering within a romantic relationship, please change that.

--

"As the past perfect clanged in his mind he began to ooze at the eyes again."

Ohh, Stephen King. <3

--

They're good at getting along at recess because the teacher is there and not at PE
because the teacher is not, but they're not quiet in the hall when the teacher is
there. So the teacher doesn't seem to be a determining factor. So there must be
something else. To much structure at PE? Poor activities at PE? Recess is fifteen
minutes and PE is thirty? What else?

Oh, you know, just trying to fix the American education system.

--

Maybe the worst emotional crisis is the absence of such a crisis - for that is a
crisis of non-emotion.

Uh... you know how I said there's probably something wrong with me? Yeah. I enjoy
being moderately stressed. I get pleasure out of being productive and, when there
is not much to do, it is more difficult for me to be productive. The same applies
to emotional issues.

--

Thinking that breaking the rules is the only way to be moral is a very big problem.

I think this is another Stephen King quote, but I'm not sure, so I didn't put it in
quotation marks.

--

A man without a sense of purpose, even one whose bank accounts are stuffed with
money, is always a small man.

A quote from Stephen King OR a Sociology textbook.

--

Being domineering is not the same as being dominant. I'm not psychic, you're just
predictable.

First of all, I like words. Second of all, a regular customer called me psychic
because I know his cigarette brand and type (I also know what else he buys in
addition to his cigarettes) and this is the thought that entered my mind. Again,
words are awesome. Another job-inspired quote is: "If you can't find the bathroom,
you don't deserve it." Haha. And "Please don't pay with dirty change." Really. Keep
your chunks of eyeliner in your pocket.

--

In a hurry. In denial by keeping themselves occupied. Apathetic, ignorant, arrogant.
Like to complain, seek drama.

A running list of adjectives that seem to describe people of the American culture.
This list was not my idea and I'm deleting it from my phone because I've found a
better sense of optimism.

--

You can't proselytize and you can't force belief. You can only lead by example and
have integrity.

Well, aside from my blatant grammatical mishap, I can see a trend of integrity.

--

If I'm buying you something or paying for you; if I'm doing these things, it's not
I'm expecting anything in return, I'm doing them because I want to.

You seemed so theoretically perfect. Peace.

--

Narrow Passage Creek.

This is a place I want to explore. It's between Bridgewater Virginia and Dover
Pennsylvania.

--

Realize that very few students understand that being a teacher is just as, if not
more than, stressful as being a student.

An addition for If I Were a Teacher.

--

About PDP: I think they could make it more valuable. No, YOU make it as valuable as
YOU want it to be. YOU determine its value. Also, RESILIENCY.

Value and purpose are fascinating topics. As is resiliency.

--

Songs: Discover America's Psychology. Number One Gun's The North Pole Project.
Stereolove. Life on Mars.
Books: This is Your Brain on Music. Catcher in the Rye.
Movie: The New Guy.
Bands: Europe, Sleigh Bells, The National.

A collection of things to look up and enjoy. I now own a copy of Cather in the Rye
and have started my dystopian trek with A Brave New World and A Clockwork Orange.
1984 is next on the pile, then Catcher.

______________________________________________________________________

Okay, that's it for draft texts. In addition to The National, Europe, and Sleigh
Bells; I'd like to post my running list of current new bands. I discovered most
of these through Pandora (through my The Bravery station, which led to the song
"One Day Like This" by Elbow, which led to a station seeded from that song, etc)
or a particular friend or two. Europe and Sleigh Bells were heard at work or on
the radio. Anyway. The following list is far from exhaustive, but includes most
of what I currently listen to and/or will be listening to in the near future.

(Parenthetical text following a band's name are specific songs)

--

Elbow (Grace Under Pressure, One Day Like This, Starlings, Mexican Standoff)
Phenoix
Ratatat
Ochre (Midsummer Nice Dream)
D Numbers (Xylem Up)
Mono
Mates of State
Mogwai
Miike Snow
GRUM
Matthew Dear
Mute Math
Passion Pit
Justice
Mumford & Sons
Circa Survive
Dead Mouse
Dan Deacon Ensemble
The Melvins
Avett Brothers
Diesel Boy
Between the Bear and Me
Minus the Bear

______________________________________________________________________

Cake & Unicorns and Architecture

2011-01-10T17:09:00.000-08:00

Cake & Unicorns

There is a learning curve in relationships.

Recently, as I’ve discussed romance and relationships and best-friendships and so on with a variety of people, I’ve noticed that I go from sounding young and naïve to worn out and cynical. Well, not quite cynical, but almost. I don’t particularly remember what I’ve said recently that sounded young and naïve, but I know I did. Oh, here it is.

One thing was my admission of the fact that I tend to be the rescuer and how I accepted this designation long ago. “Many people have tried to change this about me, have warned me that I will end up drained and damaged, but I honestly don't care,” I wrote. I confessed I sounded young and naïve, but only admitted that I may be such. I don’t fear being hurt in the process of helping. I used to, but I learned the difference between giving up and letting go in the distant past. I don’t feel frustrated by the fact that I end up being the rescuer, I only feel frustrated by the fact that, oftentimes, I am not in a position to rescue sufficiently. (note: when I say rescue, I am thinking primarily of a rescue that involves empowerment, not enablement)

Today, I sounded more cynical. Not terribly cynical, but less young and naïve than my previous discussions of fearlessness and hope and strength.

There is a learning curve in relationships. (It takes some time to get to know each other well enough to see past minor obstacles, whether shattered glass, or silly miscommunications)

This sentiment was expressed to me today and I agree. Perhaps you do not. Perhaps your relationships reflect the romanticized examples of a child’s movie and a pre-teen’s book. Does that make you romanticized? Not necessarily. There’s really no way for me to say that I’m right beyond a shadow of a doubt. But, from my experiences, relationships are not all cake and unicorns. See? Worn out and cynical.

But there is also balance and moderation between being young and naïve and worn out and cynical. Just because I sound young and naïve sometimes doesn’t mean that I think relationships are all cake and unicorns. And just because I think relationships are not all cake and unicorns, doesn’t mean that I think a healthy relationship is unattainable. Clearly, if you know me.

Regardless of your relationship philosophy, I think the most important thing is to be with someone who generally understands, reflects, and shares your relationship philosophy. A person toward the young and naïve side will probably not be very compatible with a person toward the worn out and cynical side. Hello, continuum. Have I told you how much I enjoy continuums? I think they’re helpful in basically every situation. Anyway. This compatibility is what I currently have and I am reveling in it. (note: I just tried to check the definition of revel with Word’s synonym function: drink, get drunk, party, raise the roof, go on the town, and paint the town red. Thanks for not being helpful at all) All in all, relationships are not all cake and unicorns. Even so, if you happen to stumble upon a good one, they can be pretty awesome.

Architecture

Last week, my Intro to Material Culture Studies visited the on-campus Pritchett Museum. But first, we explored and studied some of the buildings on campus. In particular, we looked at Bowman Hall, the main classroom building for many departments (Philsophy and Religion, Business, English, Sociology, Psychology, and probably something I’m forgetting). It looks like a fairly standard three-floor classroom building, until Prof. began to point out specific architectural elements. He prefaced his discussion with this quote: “A building should look like what it is.” Attributed to Steven Holl, I Googled this quote and found a book: Feng Shui by Angel Thompson. Within this book, the author says that: “…form does better when it follows function. A building should look like what it is. A factory should not appear to be a temple. A garden shed should not appear to be a teahouse. A home should not look like a bank” (p. 79).

But my youthful mind sees a discrepancy!

Bowman Hall has Greek design elements incorporated into its outer appearance. Columns, moulding, etc. (note: uh… moulding is not recognized as a word by Word?) Why does Bowman Hall have these Greek-inspired elements? These extra finishing touches on Bowman Hall do not add any practical function to the building, they do not serve any purpose other than simple aesthetics. Aesthetics, and the fact that they conjure up thoughts of classical Greece, a place of learning and knowledge and enlightenment, etc. They serve a purpose, just not a tangible one.

(note: I’ve lost momentum, so I apologize if the rest of this declines in quality)

My youthful mind yearns for efficiency. I at first wanted to say that, in regards to architecture, intangible purposes have no value to me. But I have since realized how terribly contrary this is to everything I’ve ever said. Intangible things have the most value! But I still do not fully appreciate them when they are in the realm of architecture.

In my mind, I picture a school. Plain building. I picture a factory. Plain building. I picture a house. Plain building. I picture a hospital. Plain building. I picture any other type of building. Plain building. (note: don’t get me wrong; I really, really do appreciate the aesthetics of different types and styles of buildings. I just don’t understand how the aesthetics serve the function of representing WHAT that type of building IS)

First of all, why, when I picture any particular (note: every time I’ve typed particular while writing this, I automatically go too far and type particularly. My speed is also not what it used to be. Apparently my typing skills are out of practice) type of building, do I picture a plain building? Well, actually, that’s not what happens. I think of a school. Classic one-room schoolhouse, then a plain building with fences. But then I consider the Steven Holl quote. I think of a school. Plain building. Why? Efficiency. A building’s true function does not need to affect its form. Aside from minor structural differences (such as a loading dock for a factory or warehouse), every building can serve its tangible purpose as a plain building. Efficiency. I, as a young mind, have been encultured (note: darn Word spell-check) to believe in and uphold efficiency. Efficiency and rationalization. Rationalization. Over-rationalization. Dystopia.

(note: oh hey! I’m super-obsessed with dystopias!)

Second, who gets to say WHAT, exactly, a particular type of building should look like?

The end.

(note: You know what I just realized? I'm so much of a nerd that my blog posts generally consist of topics inspired by my current classes or independent studies! Yay!)

Why Quiet People Make Better Actors (and School)

2011-01-04T15:55:00.000-08:00

Why Quiet People Make Better Actors

Apparently, I am a very easy person to read. I've been told this multiple times.
So, I've been thinking about it and I've decided that it has something to do with
my body language. A friend of mine was telling me a story and he could tell that
I had predicted the end of his story simply by how I touched my face in reaction
to his story.

But I know other people whose body language is not so easy to read. Their body
language is not so expressive. So why?

I am a generally quiet, more soft-spoken person.

I am more expressive through body language.

So, maybe more soft-spoken people are more expressive through body language?
(And thus, easier to read?)

So, following this train of thought...

Because acting usually calls for an ability to be very expressive through one's
body, a person who is more expressive through body language would probably be a
better actor. And, if the theory holds that quieter people are more expressive
through body language, then quieter people would be better actors.

(and School)

Spring 2011
Geology
Geology Lab
Psych Research Methods
Psych Research Methods Lab
Socio Research Methods II
Group Process
Social Inequality

Fall 2011
Socio of the Family
Biological Psychology
Fundamentals of Learning
Counseling
Criminology

Interterm 2012
Field Experience

Spring 2012
Interventive Methods
Public Mental Health
Community
Biology (dunno what kind)
Cultural Anthropology OR Dev/Underdev of the Modern World

Putting this in writing guarantees something will go wrong...

Yup.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Regular Genuineness

2010-12-13T22:23:00.000-08:00

Below is my final paper for Sociological Theory.

I wrote about my job as a gas station and convenience store cashier in connection
to Arlie Russell Hochschild's theories of emotion work and emotion labor, found in
her book, The Managed Heart.
_________________________________________________

_____Carina Botterbusch
_____Sociology 450
_____Dr. Hayes
_____December 7, 2010
_____Regular Genuineness

_____Ever since September of 2008, when I was hired by Shipley Stores (Tom’s), I have identified myself as a gas station and convenience store cashier and worker. Shipley is a large energy company for Central Pennsylvania that also runs a chain of gas station and convenience stores (Tom’s), as well as a few Arby’s restaurants and Cigarette Cellar discount stores. I began working at Tom’s during my senior year of high school, during which I was taking a full load of courses at three local colleges. I worked an average of twenty hours a week during that year and a typical day looked like this: work at 5:30am until noon, home for lunch, class at one school from 1-1:50pm, babysitting from 2-5pm, home for dinner, class at another school from 6:30-9:30pm, and home to do homework before going to bed and having to work at 5:30am again the next day. During my first year away at Bridgewater College, I worked during all breaks. I also worked an average of 35 hours a week during this past summer. Because I work so much, my job has become a large part of who I am.
_____While stressful or annoying at times, I believe that I can honestly say that I love working at Tom’s. However, because my work duties include a variety of emotionally laborious tasks, according to Arlie Russell Hochschild (1983), I should feel more frustrated, estranged, and “mentally detached” (p. 17). While I have certainly felt frustration with my job and while I do recognize the emotional components of my job description, I disagree that this must entail some type of acting and consequently cause me to become estranged and mentally detached. I also disagree with Hochschild in other areas, such as her application of acting and various job characteristics, but I agree with a number of her theoretical concepts, such as company control and various job and individual characteristics. Furthermore, some of Hochschild’s concepts have spurred me to question how I feel about my job and analyze different areas of it in ways I never had before. For example, I never questioned the motives of my boss, whether in regards to her sincerity or her authenticity. Throughout all of these theoretical concepts, two overarching themes have come up time and time again: that of regular customers and that of a genuine alternative to acting.
_____Throughout her book, The Managed Heart, Arlie Russell Hochschild discusses different types of emotional labor and how interpersonal service jobs that require first-person interaction (whether a flight attendant, a bill collector, or a gas station cashier) commercialize feeling and lead to estrangement. In considering my experiences with my interpersonal service job of being a gas station and convenience store cashier, I disagree with Hochschild about her application of acting because my job differs from those she describes in a number of ways. Emotional labor is feeling or ignoring a certain emotion to make a required outward appearance (p. 7). Hochschild says that, as emotional labor continues, “‘loving the job’ becomes part of the job” (p. 6). However, I have always felt that I genuinely do love my job, even in spite of the occasional frustration or feeling of being overworked. Before reading Hochschild’s book, I never before questioned this belief. Hochschild discusses the different atmospheres and attitudes that different service workers create through emotional labor (p. 11), but I deeply believe that it is most important to be truly genuine. When I first started working at Tom’s, I was mostly quiet and shy. I did not act as if I were something I am not, but was still outgoing enough to be a good cashier. As I grew comfortable with my job, my slight shyness faded into being genuinely personable.
_____Hochschild makes the argument that, similar to labor workers, service workers must mentally detach themselves from their task in order to survive (p. 17). On occasion, I have done this in order to get through a bad day at work, but I have found that I am ultimately less satisfied when I prevent myself from focusing on my job. If I actively mentally detach myself from my work, I end up feeling phony, which Hochschild explains is a part of emotional labor when a service worker does not have the time or stamina to be genuine and he or she resorts to an insincere display (p. 21). I have experienced this feeling of insincerity, but for me, it occurs when I focus on the negatives of my job. I believe that being phony is prevented at my job because we truly have the freedom to be genuine. For example, after my coworker, Amber, experienced the death of a friend, she left me at the counter while she went to stock the cooler and had the freedom to release her grief through crying. Additionally, I feel that I am able to express my genuine feelings to a number of regular customers and, even though I may not be comfortable doing so with every customer that comes in, this handful of favorite customers provides me with enough freedom to be genuine that I am kept satisfied enough to be genuinely nice to the others.
_____According to Hochschild, true genuineness does not occur because emotional laborers must perform some kind of acting – whether surface, where the acting is felt as not genuine, or deep, where the acting is felt to be genuine (p. 48). Hochschild compares to Rousseau’s concept of the Noble Savage, who acts with natural feeling (p. 22). However, she goes on to say that “maintaining a difference between feeling and feigning over the long run leads to strain” (p. 90). She clearly understands the difference between acting and genuine feeling, but never seems to acknowledge the fact that true genuineness within emotional labor can prevent the estrangement that is caused by acting. As stated above, not every customer that comes in receives this genuine communication from me, but I have a true connection with enough regulars that a feeling of estrangement is prevented. For example, Richie moved into town at the beginning of this summer and we instantly forged a connection because I told him why I chose to attend school in Virginia and he genuinely understood because he grew up in Virginia. In terms of how often he comes to the store, he barely qualifies as a regular, but I feel that our friendship is genuine, even to the extent that he invited me to visit him as soon as I returned from school. This one real connection makes me genuinely happy enough to do emotional labor without being insincere.
_____Hochschild explains how flight attendants talk about feelings as created, governable, and controllable (p. 133), which I can only somewhat understand. If I am having a particularly bad day, such as earlier this summer after recently breaking up with my boyfriend, I can make myself feel happy in my job, but only through focusing on what I love about my job, not by lying to myself that I just love all aspects of my job. Richie is again an example of this because he represents my core value of camaraderie. By focusing on him and other regulars, as well as my coworker friendships, I can distract myself from a bad day by reminding myself that I genuinely do love my job, or at least the less tangible and positive interpersonal aspects of it. Similarly, Hochschild discusses how some service jobs (those that deal positively with customers, like representatives) ask employees to “believe in the company” (p. 143). With my job, while I am a public representative of the larger Shipley Energy Company, I have not felt particular pressure to explicitly support the company. However, I do believe in the values that I see within my work, such as camaraderie with regulars or compassion with my coworkers. This is what makes my job meaningful to me and not just simply a series of job requirements (p. 89).
_____There are many reasons why the emotional labor of my service job does not leave me estranged and almost all of them are because characteristics of my job directly oppose some of the characteristics Hochschild uses to describe emotional labor. Specifically, my job does not really reflect the hierarchy of secrets of most work environments (p. 53). I think this is because I have some seniority within the store and is exemplified by how my boss, Nikki, told me that Amber was transferring back to our store. She instructed me not to tell anyone else, which reflects the hierarchy, but exempts me from it because Nikki respects me as a committed employee. Similarly, Hochschild says the “customer is king,” which is true in most cases, but I feel more equal with many regulars (p. 86). I disagree most with Hochschild about is this: “Cashiers and salespeople…seldom get a chance to know any one customer very well for very long” (p. 150). Obviously, from the stories above, I do not feel that this is true for me. While I certainly do not know all customers equally well and I do not claim to know my favorite regulars very well at all, I know many well enough to feel a genuine connection with them. Richie and I share stories about Virginia and college. Another regular, Jimmy, and I exchange playful jokes and hugs. And the local cops who frequent the store and I share stories about life and love. Part of the reason this is possible is because Tom’s is situated in such a small town. Much like Bridgewater, it is easy to establish camaraderie within a small community.
_____Although I disagree with many of Hochschild’s conclusions, I also agree with her about aspects of company control and some job and individual characteristics. Hochschild highlights the importance of up-selling (p. 4) and how management determines the priority of different tasks (p. 121). Suggestive selling is definitely emphasized at my job, both through the G.U.E.S.T. service philosophy (Greet, Understand, Educate, Suggest, Thank) and the daily close-out sheets that require us to estimate to what percentage of customers we suggestive sold (Peters 2010). These tasks are assigned by company management, as early as the first day of orientation and training, but store management lightens the responsibility by making suggestive selling into a competitive game. I have also witnessed Hochschild’s concept of speed-up, where increased business increases the demand for efficiency and decreases the ability to be personal (pp. 122, 133). For example, during Thanksgiving break, I was working alone and the borough was lighting the Christmas trees in the town square, so there was a rush of customers buying hot drinks. I noticed that I was less personal to most customers, but there happened to be a regular, Jay, there at the same time. He smiled at me with empathy because he frequently witnesses customer rushes and this genuine connection forced me to slow down and again be personable with the rest of the customers. I have also seen how being impersonal makes many customers uncomfortable because, if I do not meet their eye contact, I can feel them being reluctant to leave without me acknowledging them. Being a member of such a small workforce and having a connection with a number of regulars makes my room more genuine than most emotional labor.
_____In general, I agree with Hochschild’s description of the emotional labor that should constitute service jobs. For instance, Hochschild explains that emotional jobs tend to have a high turnover rate (p. 146). This is definitely true even with a simple cashier job – over the past two years, a total of fourteen people have come and/or gone: three of them left, four were added, and seven were hired and fired (two of whom came and left while I was gone for a semester). Similarly, Hochschild argues that women are better at “nice” emotional work (p. 170), which is illustrated by the fact that only two of those fourteen were men (one fired and one still working). Also, I find myself empathizing with other cashiers who express “a robot quality” (p. 23), somewhat because I have felt the desire to do the same, but more because I believe I avoid it well and wish I could teach them how to do so as well.
_____I also have experienced the desire “to ‘depersonalize’ situations” (p. 132), especially with particularly irritable customers. One of my responsibilities is to make sure that customers paying with cash for gas do not drive off after I approve them on the register. One day, a customer appeared to be leaving, so I wrote her plate number down right before her boyfriend, who was already in the store, paid for his slushie and her gas. After he leaves, his girlfriend stomps in the store and demands the piece of paper, even though I can still recite her plate number to this day. I was starkly upset by this occurrence because I did not depersonalize it. While I believe that depersonalization is possible and sometimes necessary, I take pride in embracing such conflicts and being able to resolve them in a personable way.
_____Hochschild cites Goffman and says that we must not take the small as trivial (p. 10). This is evident at Tom’s when I donate a quarter or so to a customer who is a bit short on money. By breaking the norm of being self-involved, these customers become startlingly aware that the small is not trivial and express the most genuine gratitude I have ever seen, much like the sincerity Hochschild describes by certain expressions, words, and tones (p. 77). However, some customers do not even acknowledge me as a human, much less express sincere gratitude, which I think depends on how they see me; whether as a helper, worker, friend, or something less. Hochschild also explains how “gratitude lays the foundation for loyalty” (p. 101). Although she discusses this in terms of a new worker being taken into the family of the company, I believe it is more important in regards of the gratitude and loyalty of the customer. By selflessly giving someone a quarter, I foster genuine gratitude, which leads to a more loyal loyalty than any suggestive sell could ever hope to establish.
_____As stated previously, I also believe that my job allows a lot of freedom, even as a service job that requires emotional labor. This parallels Hochschild’s discussion of the “‘love ethic’ in a free market” because I felt a great deal of autonomy in searching for and finding a job (p. 72). Because of this, I feel more responsible to enjoy my job because it is my fault if I do not like it. While Hochschild would say that this is done through acting, I have been able to do so through establishing genuine camaraderie with regulars and coworkers. Furthermore, because the importance of feelings are based on the importance of a particular person (p. 172) and I matter very little to the non-regulars, I feel that I have additional freedom to hate my job if I really wanted to, since my feelings do not matter to the majority of customers. Similarly, my job is typically viewed as having very little prestige and, while it is a very public job, I feel that I am “free to hate” it if I wanted to because most people would understand hatred of such a lowly job (p. 189). I agree with Hochschild in these three areas of freedom, although I believe that they can also be applied to my emotionally laborious job because of its low status and low prestige.
_____Regardless of where I disagree or agree with Arlie Russell Hochschild, reading her book has prompted me to question what I believe and how I feel about my job, as well as why I believe those things and feel those ways. The Managed Heart ultimately culminates in a discussion of sincerity and authenticity in contrast to surface and deep acting. An example of surface acting would be appearing to be busy in front of a boss or supervisor, whereas deep acting would be internalizing a love of the job. Sincerity refers to simply refusing to act (p. 191), which I see as a kind of integrity, and authenticity refers to spontaneously knowing and feeling (p. 193), which I see as a kind of realness. I never before would have framed my job in terms of acting and I still do not want to do so because having integrity and being genuine have always been deeply important to me. After reading Hochschild, I thought critically about past work experiences and paid more attention when I worked a total of twenty-two hours over Thanksgiving break. Specifically, I began to question everyone’s motives, whether mine, my coworkers’, or my customers’.
_____What are my motives as a gas station and convenience store cashier? Certainly, it is a job that I need in order to make money, but if I went to work only for money I believe that I would be wholly dissatisfied, so I instead focus on selfless and intangible values like establishing camaraderie with regulars and building friendships, making eye contact with every customer and acknowledging them as human, or being selfless and giving a quarter to someone I will never see again. These are the things that keep me from being estranged, not mental detachment or acting, whether surface or deep. What are Nikki’s motives as a gas station and convenience store manager? Certainly, it is a job that she needs in order to make money, but she genuinely works at establishing real connections with her employees. I believe she is genuine and that this is evident through small things like occasionally texting and being friends on Facebook. It is also shown in larger things, such as her allowing me time to cry over my recently broken-up relationship and hug her before I started attending to my work duties. It is this, this freedom to be genuine, that I appreciate most about my job. What are the regulars’ motives as being parts of my life? I cannot answer why they have reached out to me and responded to my reaching out to them, but when compared to the customers with whom I have not connected, I have to believe that these connections are genuine. So where does this genuineness come from? And how is it different from Hochschild’s concepts of sincerity and authenticity?
_____Early in her book, Hochschild says that everyone “offers up feeling as a momentary contribution to the collective good” (p. 18). To me, this sounds very altruistic and selfless, something that could serve as the basis for genuine emotional service. However, throughout the rest of the book, Hochschild frames emotional labor as something done primarily for selfish reasons, whether for individual protection like depersonalization or for company success like suggestive selling and speed-up. Later in the book, she quotes C. Wright Mills: “‘Sincerity’ is detrimental to one’s job, until the rules of salesmanship and business become a ‘genuine’ aspect of oneself” (p. 35). To me, this sounds like it is only possible to be sincere in emotional labor – to be good at one’s job, in other words – if the values of that job are internalized, even if those values did not belong to the person to begin with. The fact that any type of acting deeply bothers me comes down to how greatly I abhor a lack of integrity. And so, because my core values include camaraderie, compassion, and connections, I apply integrity by also expressing these at my job. It is certainly exhausting at times, but the fact that these things are so important to me really does keep me satisfied. I am profoundly thankful for the freedom within my job to express these values, especially to my coworkers and the regulars. I believe they genuinely appreciate the fact that I am genuine, even at work, and this makes it possible for me to also be genuine to more negative customers and remain genuine on more negative days.

References
Hochschild, Arlie Russell. 1983. The Managed Heart. London, England: University
_____of California Press.
Peters, David Scott. 2010. “Restaurant Services: GUEST.” Restaurant Report, LLC.
_____Retrieved December 3, 2010
_____(http://www.restaurantreport.com/management_tips/tip_guest.html).

_________________________________________________

The Best Kind of Survey (Take Three)

2010-12-07T21:28:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I’ve done this twice.

Take One

Take Two

I'm going to do it a little differently this time.

The premise...
Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people. (but don't say their name)

For each one, I’m going to see if I remember who it was about and, if I can, give an anonymous update about him or her. Huzzah, reflexivity.

Take One... (May 27, 2009)
10. I'm pretty certain I'm going to miss you more than you're going to miss me.
9. Thanks for showing me what is least important.
8. You used to be really cool. You always used to say you were unchanged, but
trust me, you've changed. If I see you this summer, it's going to be weird.
7. Did you feel it, too?
6. You have no idea. None. Your sister sees it more than you do. lol.
5. I know you want to pursue your dreams, so do it. And I will want to follow you.
4. WHY did you reject my friend request? I thought we were good? What's up?!
3. Your hypocritical, neo-con, holier-than-thou attitude is NOT okay. Okay?
2. Grow up, please.
1. I don't know what the problem is, but you need to work it out before the individuals
around you begin to be negatively affected by the underlying, secret conflict. Okay?

Update…
10. With how you don’t even talk to me ever, you definitely don’t miss me at all. I hope you do miss me and just won’t talk to me. That would be fitting.
9. (Uh, I have a guess…) Way to not text me back for three days. That’s completely okay. Just kidding. If and when you want to talk to me, go for it. I won’t hold my breath.
8. (Not sure who this was about, but I have a guess…) We don’t talk anymore.
7. I still want to know if you felt it, but I’ll never ask you. It’s no longer important.
6. I miss you and you are my favorite. It’d be awesome if we’d be able to share an apartment someday.
5. You still have your dreams, but you’re not pursuing them as far as I can tell. And lots of people are judging you for that, but I won’t. I promise. If you’re happy, oh well if you’ve lost your ambition.
4. (I don’t know who this is…)
3. (I also don’t know who this was about, but it still stands, always.)
2. (“…”)
1. I would say the exact same thing, only I can’t, because I’m no longer a neutral party. The whole thing is ridiculous and stupid and I don’t want to care, but I barely can do so, but I don’t and AUGH.

Take Two... (October 15, 2009)
10. Thanks for showing me that I am capable of getting over it with closure. ...and
thanks for making me more bitter and cynical about things... not.
9. I am so entirely at peace with it, but I kind of really tend to get jealous over you.
But maybe I just don't want you to lead anyone on. Yeah, let's go with that.
8. I do not like you anymore, at all, but I don't know how to convince you of this
without sounding like a cold-hearted meanie.
7. Thank you so much for establishing camaraderie with me. It means more than
you'll ever know and I'm sad that you'll be gone next year.
6. I thought we were going to try talking again... where are you?
5. It's kind of funny to think about how complete opposite our friendship has become
over the past four years or so. Even to the extent of non-existence. Um, not fun.
4. I miss you, but I don't think that really bothers you.
3. Hey, you guys, you need to get over this.
2. I like to watch you dance in front of me.
1. I saw that.

Update…
10. I asked you straight out, either yes or no or tell me to shut it. You never replied, so my heart takes that as an unspoken “Shut it” coupled with a very adamant “No.” The other day, I thought of something you said early-on that argues that you must be lying. Perhaps you’re just very confused. Oh well. Good luck with your girlfriend.
9. (I though I knew who this was, but then I read 8 and realized I was mistaken… I don’t know who this is about.)
8. I very much do not like you anymore. Again, I won’t hold my breath.
7. (This applies to two people…) I miss you SO much and I am SO glad we still keep in touch fairly well. So many things are not the same without you. I miss seeing you on a regular basis. Never lose touch, please; always remember me. I’ll remember you.
6. I’m really, really proud of you.
5. (Not sure who this is about, either. Apparently it’s no longer important…)
4. How many girls have you treated the same way you treated me?
3. HEY, YOU GUYS, YOU NEED TO GET OVER THIS. There is a young life at stake. I hope you breed resiliency.
2. We have so much to catch up on, but apparently, not enough for me to sacrifice a bit.
1. This year isn’t the same without you, but I’m glad you’re still around. You are an entertaining individual.

Well, that wasn’t nearly as fun as I expected it to be. It’s interesting to see what I do and do not remember. But not really. And I’m gonna waste some more time, so I’m going to do the entire thing again. It’s been a year. Might as well. If you’d like to compare this to the two previous times, see the link at the top of this post.

Take Three…
Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people. (but don't say their name)
10. Most everything I want to say to you, I’ve already said; except for one thing, but according to society, it is far too soon for such nonsense. Plus, if I really stop and think about it, I am scared. But when I think about you, I am so completely not scared that it doesn’t matter at those moments and you make it so very difficult for me to refrain from giving you my entire soul.
9. I feel like your heart knows what’s right, but your head won’t listen. I feel like you feel this, too, but haven’t admitted to it. At some point, you’ve got to let yourself admit it, you’ve got to accept it. I know you don’t want to give up the comfortable-ness, but the things you tell me don’t make it sound all that comfortable at all.
8. I wish we talked more frequently. I miss your light-heartedness and genuine concern in my life. Are you older than me? I think so, and that’s good, because you seem like it. You’re much more mature than a lot of people your age. I sincerely wish you the best of success in all your pursuits.
7. While I have wholeheartedly enjoyed this semester, I don’t know if I will be able to give you guys as much time next semester. But I know that’s a lie and I’ll probably end up seeing you guys just as much, if not more. Honestly, though, I hope to be able to empower you better in the future.
6. I am so sorry that so many people hate you. I can see why, but I’m sorry. I empathize so, so, so much because I feel that we are very similar. I’d really like to talk to you about this.
5. I am sorry I am going to be so passive-aggressive about this.
4. As thinking of who else to include on this, you came to mind. But, to be completely honest, I have nothing to say to you. But I miss your friends. And I wonder how it made you feel.
3. I think you’re cool, so let’s be friends. But I think you’re just a tiny bit awkward.
2. Can you tell me what a typical MSW program is like? Because I’ve had two social work class so far and both of the professors were awful. I know it’s too soon to judge, but it’s making me pretty apprehensive, nonetheless. Also, do you think I’m fit for it? How do you handle your failings while trying to help everyone else overcome their own failings?
1. It’s pretty scary to me that you may soon be permanently gone. Not permanently, but kind of.

Nine things about myself:
9. I will never lable myself as a musician or an artist because music and art become less fun when they become a job.
8. I’m beginning to believe that I know far less than how I present myself.
7. The cold doesn’t really bother me much, but wind does. And snow.
6. I’m pretty sure my ears don’t like earrings. Too bad.
5. I’ve been thinking about dyeing my hair, but I would feel like a hypocrite.
4. Most times, if I avoid or refrain from something particular, it’s because of its negative emotional and mental consequences.
3. My favorite topics include body language, social space, and multiple intelligences.
2. I like boys who wear belts with tucked-in shirts.
1. It’s rare that I wear makeup.

Eight ways to win my heart.
8. Share what’s important to me with me and allow me to do the same for you.
7. Take me to bead stores or the bead section of craft stores.
6. If our interests differ, appreciate. I’ll appreciate you in return.
5. (I keep wanting to say the same thing, but they all come down to…) Lift me up.
4. Let me drive.
3. Let me cry. Sometimes, it’s absolutely necessary.
2. Fall as fast as I do.
1. People-watch with me. Not even that, simply appreciate the concept. Almost all of these come down to having a sincere desire to appreciate or empathize. It’s much better than simply tagging along and forcing yourself to like what I like. I don’t want that. I want integrity. I want you to care enough about me to genuinely care about what I care about.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot.
7. California.
6. Grad school.
5. My to-do list(s).
4. Past experiences.
3. Professors.
2. All my ambitions I’ve left behind, if only for a moment.
1. Unhappiness.

Six things I do before I fall asleep.
6. Change clothes.
5. Check Facebook/email/etc.
4. Brush teeth.
3. LIE down.
2. Set alarm.
1. Build a wall of pillows.

Five people who mean a lot. (in no order whatsoever)
5. Boyfriend. :) Hehe.
4. Lots of music department people.
3. Lots of Sociology department people.
2. The Quad.
1. A few Psychology department people.

Four things you're wearing right now.
4. Pants with flannel pants underneath. Yup.
3. Sweater with wooden buttons.
2. Dad’s old coat.
1. About twenty contour hair clips.

Three songs that you listen to recently.
3. (Everything by…) Elbow
2. (Everything by…) Ratatat
1. (And anything else awesome that comes up on my “One Day Like This” by Elbow Pandora radio station. Including Nightmares on Wax and Little People.

Two things you want to do before you die.
2. Go to Greece (scheduled for July 15!).
1. Finish at least one book.

One confession.
1. I fear that I am less satisfied when I focus too much on the future.

School Choice (Resources!) and Texting in Class/Intimidation

2010-11-17T14:13:00.001-08:00

School Choice (Resources!)

There's a concept in Social Work that is all about resources: teaching people
about them and granting access to them. This is the role of Social Work that
involves networking clients with and referring clients to additional resources
and opportunities.
So, that's what I've been taught in my two Social Work classes thus far.

Today, we began discussing School Social Work. Prof. Good opened the topic by
asking what problems school social workers must handle. Bullying, family issues,
truancy, etc. Truancy. Prof. Good cited a case where a father would keep his son
from going to school because he needed him to function as a translator (they had
immigrated from an African country). The father did not understand the compulsory
school attendance of Virginia and simply cared about being able to communicate
with others through his son. The case ended up being taken to court where the judge
ruled that the father had to make sure his son complied with the compulsory school
attendance law of Virginia.

Alright, so, obeying the law and everything is all well and good, but in this
case, I do not believe that the school counselor, school social worker, school
administration workers, or court officials did their job to the fullest extents.

Why?

As far as I know, according to how Prof. Good relayed this story, no one ever
told the father that he had other options. Education, regardless of compulsory
attendance laws, is not a matter of go to school or die (rather, go to jail).
There are other options. Homeschooling, cyberschooling, out-of-school-schooling,
etc, etc.

Certainly, I am severely biased in favor of homeschooling, but I recognize that
no method of education is completely foolproof, ever. The effectiveness of an
education is determined by many, many different factors, although I feel that the
most important of these is that of parental involvement. But that is also a stance
to be debated.

Anyway... this is a pretty severe disconnect between the referral role of social
work and the strict adherence to compulsory attendance laws. There are other options
and other opportunities and other means and methods! Why did the school social
worker not suggest any of these? Sure, it may have taken more work in the long run
to make sure a "proper" education was occurring, but other referrals should have
been made, in order for the school social worker to have integrity within the roles
of social work.

So even though I am severely biased in favor of homeschooling, what I am MOST in
favor of is the freedom to choose any method of education. Maybe public school will
work the best for your family, maybe private, maybe Catholic or Christian, maybe
prep, maybe distance, maybe cyber... regardless, the most important thing is that
you are aware of all these various options, have access to a great deal of info
about them so that you can be well informed, and have the freedom to choose the
one you deem as the most appropriate for your situation and your child.

Texting in Class/Intimidation

So, news flash! I break rules, too. Yesterday, my Wellness class watched most of
a documentary called, "Kilowatt Ours." It was about alternative energy, so I was
fairly interested in the topic, since I had studied it for Envirothon. Even so, I
texted a friend a few times during class as we were watching the film.

::gasp!::

During the course of the film, Prof. Campbell approached another student and asked
him for his phone since he had been texting as well. She took it from him and put
it on the front desk until the end of class.

But I didn't get away with it. After class was over and as everyone was leaving,
my name was discreetly called by Prof. Campbell so that she could confront me
privately and individually.

Now, this is not particularly a story about the importance not texting in class
and the consequences of failing to do so. (...failing to not text in class? Yay,
split infinitive!) What I find so fascinating is the difference in reprimand
methods. There was also another student who Prof. Campbell, as far as I know, did
not see texting.

Why did Prof. Campbell publicly take away the phone of the one student, while
waiting until the end of class to confront me one-on-one? Honestly, I have no
concrete, valid answer. The only thing I know is that I feel Prof. Campbell acted
somewhat intimidated as she talked to me after class.

I also know that this minor reprimand has reinforced my knowing that I am such an
over-achiever, even if I care only minimally about this class. Even this minor,
private reprimand has made me feel bad enough to fear that Prof. Campbell will now
grade my assignments in a more negative light because of it. Oh, heyyy, paranoia.

Oh, what lessons we have learned.

Things are fallin' down on me,
heavy things I could not see...

Also, I seem to be much less inclined to continue a political debate-discussion when
I am in a good mood.

Marx Missed Some Things (archived, finally)

2010-10-21T20:27:00.000-07:00

Here's that infamous essay I keep referencing.

_____Marx Missed Some Things
_____Carina Botterbusch
_____Intro to Sociology
_____21642; W 6:30-9:35pm
_____September 16, 2008

_____Although the Communist Manifesto has influenced a lot of people, I found several flaws of logic in Marx’s thinking. He mistakenly thought that people are only motivated by greed, that the bourgeoisie would civilize primitive cultures, that any progress before his time was insignificant, and that revolutions must be violent. However, he wasn’t entirely wrong. He understood that any form of leadership cannot last forever and that strong, leading groups of people often sabotage themselves to the point of their own fall.
_____The first error of thinking I found was the claim that people had no other motivation or connection but greed and their own progress. “…No other nexus between man and man than naked self-interest…” (Marx, 1848, p. 2). Marx thought that there was no other possible reason that people would want to be involved with other people. He did not think of compassion or commonalities. If there were no compassion among people, we would not have the Red Cross or other similar groups. The Red Cross was founded in 1881 and the world certainly did not develop compassion in less than forty years. People are also united to one another by commonalities. While Marx focused on the negative separation by differences, that is only half of how it works. We can also be brought together by similarities.
_____Marx also thought that the industrial progress of the bourgeois state would influence and bring “…even the most barbarian nations into civilization” (Marx, 1848, p.3). While I agree that the progress of one country will effect or promote the progress of another, there will continue to be nations that do not want to be civilized, whatever you may consider ‘civilized’ to mean. Even today there are many cultures in Africa and South America that most people would call uncivilized. However, they are happy with the way they live and have not changed much, although some have been contacted by missionaries.
_____I feel like the entire Manifesto has an arrogant attitude about it, which is very clear when Marx says “…what earlier century had even a presentiment that such productive forces slumbered in the lab of social labour?” (Marx, 1848, p.4) Although I think he knew that previous cultures had contributed to the knowledge and technology of his era, he claims that the productive potential had not been touched. The Industrial Revolution was certainly an extremely large leap of progress, that does not make earlier progress any less significant.
_____When Marx predicts that war between classes will break out into “open revolution” and “violent overthrow,” he does not even consider the possibility of a revolution being peaceful (Marx, 1848, p.9). However, this is completely incorrect. A few months ago, I went to see the movie, The Singing Revolution, which tells the story about the country of Estonia and its non-violent revolt against Soviet occupation. The movie shows how the Estonians were brought together by their common interest in song in order to peacefully triumph over the Soviets (singingrevolution.com).
_____However, Marx understood how and why leading groups (whether they be political or otherwise) eventually fall and that they typically bring this demise upon themselves. In the next to last paragraph, Marx explains that the bourgeoisie would no longer be capable to be the ruling class. This is common throughout history as we can study countries that enjoyed a time of leadership, but eventually fell, typically because they became too greedy, mistreated their subjects, or became overpowered by the people they led. The Roman, British, and other Empires may have appeared to be indestructible, but man cannot handle such great power.
_____Marx also realized that empires often fall because of unintended self-sabotage. “The bourgeoisie itself… furnishes that proletariat with weapons for fighting…” (Marx, 1848, p. 7). “The weapons with which the bourgeoisie felled feudalism to the ground are now turned against the bourgeoisie itself. …it has also called into existence the men who are to yield those weapons” (Marx, 1848, p.5). This is a common theme throughout the Manifesto and Marx seemed to have a good understanding of the concept that empires typically fall because of something the empire itself produced. Even the last sentence of Part I shows this idea: “What the bourgeoisie, therefore, produces, above all, is its own grave-diggers. Its fall and the victory of the proletariat are equally inevitable” (Marx, 1848, p.9).
_____Although Marx showed a clear understanding of the concept that ‘absolute power corrupts absolutely,’ the four logical flaws that I mentioned cannot be ignored. Even though some of Marx’s ideas were correct and true, he clearly missed a few things.

Durkheim, Complaining/Negativity, Feeling Old

2010-09-29T21:25:00.000-07:00

Clearly, I have lots of things to say right now. I should go to bed relatively soon,
or even now, but I know I will not be able to. I need these things out of my head.

I need these things out of my head so badly that I almost couldn't bring myself to
finish my assigned reading for tomorrow morning. But I did it. And I love Durkheim.

Durkheim.

Well, more accurately, I love Sociology; but I really love Durkheim. So many things
that he said resonate with all that I've been saying for at least a year.

My hands are cold.

The following quotes are from my Sociological Theory textbook, Sociological Theory
in the Classical Era: Text and Readings, by Laura Desfor Edles and Scott Appelrouth,
second edition.

"We are not, from birth predestined to some special position; but we do have tastes
and aptitudes which limit our choice. If no care is taken of them, if they are
ceaselessly disturbed by our daily occupations, we shall suffer and seek a way of
putting an end to our suffering." (p. 110)

Well, that sounds like something Johnny Bunko would say! The plan matters less than
personal satisfaction. This sounds like something I have said! Personal preferences
and core values must be recognized and acknowledged to attain such satisfaction!

"That we spend much time and energy searching for "identity" - 'I'm a punk!' 'I'm
Irish!' - reflects a lack of moral regulation." (p. 120)

When energy is not devoted to norms, some part of identity dies - the part that is
wrapped up in collective existence. Identity then begins to be searched for in other
venues... labeling one's self or in "novelties, unfamiliar pleasures, nameless
sensations" (p. 131).

"...One does not advance when one walks toward no goal, or - which is the same thing
- when his goal is infinity. Since the distance between us and it is always the
same, whatever road we take, we might as well have made the motions without progress
from the spot. Even our glances behind and our feeling of pride at the distance
covered can cause only deceptive satisfaction, since the remaining distance is not
proportionately reduced. To pursue a goal which is by definition unattainable is to
condemn oneself to a state of perpetual unhappiness. Of course, man may hope
contrary to all reasons, and hope has its pleasures even when unreasonable. It may
sustain him for a time; but it cannot survive the repeated disappointments of
experience indefinitely. What more can the future offer him than the past, since he
can never reach a tenable condition nor even approach the glimpsed ideal?" (pp. 126-127)

I really don't think I could've said it better, Mr. Durkheim. Progress may be made,
but it cannot be felt, without the presence of goals.

"He may seek to give beauty to his life; but his attempts in this direction may fail
without causing him to despair. For, loving what he has and not fixing his desire
solely on what he lacks, his wishes and hopes may fail of what he has happened to
aspire to, without his being wholly destitute. He has the essentials. The equilibrium
of his happiness is secure because it is defined, and a few mishaps cannot disconcert
him." (p. 128)

The equilibrium of his happiness is secure because it is defined...

"The less limited one feels, the more intolerable all limitation appears." (p. 130)

The more affluent one is, the greater the desire to be even more affluent. I want to
parallel this to my current annoyed state. I am annoyed with negativity and immaturity.
The less negative and immature one is, the more intolerable all negativity and
immaturity appears. The more intolerable all negativity and immaturity feels. Ugh.

"The wise man, knowing how to enjoy his achieved results without having to constantly
replace them with others, finds in them an attachment to life in the hour of difficulty.
But the man who has always pinned all his hopes on the future and lived with his eyes
fixed upon it, has nothing in the past as a comfort against the present's afflictions,
for the past nothing to him but a series of hastily experienced stages. What blinded
him to himself was his expectation always to find further on the happiness he had so
far missed. Now he is stopped in his tracks; from now on nothing remains behind or
ahead of him to fix his gaze upon. Weariness alone, moreover, is enough to bring
disillusionment, for he cannot in the end escape the futility of an endless pursuit."
(p. 131).

Durkheim recognized the importance of balance and moderation! While progress cannot
be felt in the absence of goals, an extreme focus upon goals causes a person to miss
that progress! By seeking happiness in the future, a person misses happiness in the
present. Ah, Durkheim!

"It is everlastingly repeated that it is man's nature to be eternally dissatisfied,
constantly in advance, without relief or rest, toward and indefinite goal." (p. 131)

Man is a fool is a rule? Always wanting what is not? ... The importance of having
DEFINED goals! Ah, Durkheim!

"Those who have only empty space above them are almost inevitably lost in it, if no
force restrains them." (p. 132)

The unhappiness of the affluent, with no place to go - no progress to feel. It all
rests in your own personal emphasis.

So, friends, what is YOUR emphasis? Affluence? Perhaps you should reconsider.

Core values, core values, core values.

I love Sociology. I love Durkheim. And, yes, I am aware that I am a nerd. What else
is there for me to be? I internalize this label.

Complaining/Negativity.

Okay, so all that Durkheim quoting took a lot of energy, but I shall try to press on!

I am not sure whether this is due to there being more complaining and negativity or
my being more aware of it (for whatever reason), but either way, I am coming in contact
with more complaining and negativity than before. Maybe it's in my perception, my
perspective, but it feels like significantly more. It feels like a significant increase.

Regardless of whether there literally is more or not is unimportant. What we believe
to be real is real in its consequences. Thomas Theorem. In that case, it is real.

Note: I really like this new Durkheim-inspired theory that I grow more sensitive to
complaining and negativity as I eradicate those traits from myself more and more
each day. As arrogant as that may sound, I like it.

Regardless of any cause, whether real or perceptual, I feel like a complete hypocrite.
The people around me are overly negative and complain too much about largely
insignificant things that they should be capable of rectifying. This negativity
is infectious and makes me want to complain. I feel like a complete hypocrite.

It is so completely non-sensical to complain about complaining. Complaining about
complaining will not help anything. So what, then? Call them out? Eh...

So what, then? Combat the negativity? Block our the complaining? Focus on the
positive? So what, then? How to focus on the positive when the negative is such a
dark and dismal cloud? There are a few positive people that are bright pockets in
this cloud of negativity. What's really interesting to not is that these emotionally
bright people have their own moments of negativity. So why, in my opinion, do they
continue to qualify as mostly positive people?

I fear this will not be concluded for sometime. I know I have more to say on this
topic, but no longer feel it.

Feeling Old.

In all honesty, I forget what this was all about. Oh dear, I must be feeling old.
Memory, come back! Thought, return!

I really enjoy being repetitive. I enjoy writing redundantly in an artistic fashion.

I made a note to write about feeling old next to the note to write about complaining
and negativity, so I think I meant to say that I feel old because I feel so bothered
by complaining and negativity.

Those young'ns always complaining about something! They're so negative! Don't they
see they have the whole world in front of them? They have the world in their hands!

Something like that.

Back to Durkheim... the quote that talks about how people miss present happiness by
focusing too much on happiness they expect to come in the future solidifies a recent
fear that I had not yet put into words. In my recent and current search among schools
to attend for my Master's, I have inadvertently placed more emphasis upon achieving
my Master's and have been placing more emphasis upon my eventual career goal. I've
been fearing that maybe, on some level, I've been missing out on some part of college
lately. Maybe I've been focusing too much on my studies because of the end goal and
have been missing the current achievements of present and tangible learning.

I mostly feel like this is a primarily unfounded fear.

I also fear that there may be a sliver of truth within it.

Don't believe that there's truth within it?

Well, I have twice as many more (haha) things to say, but I'm going to accept the
fact that I should currently be sleeping. I knew that I would not be able to sleep
sufficiently without writing at least the most important of these topics.

The topics that remain for another day are as follows:

Wellness
Vitas
Glee

Well, I can talk about Vitas. I really, really like Vitas. I had forgotten how much
I like Vitas. He's really quite incredible.

Wellness (chicken-egg)
Glee

That is all.

-

Seven. Proactivity and Something Else.

2010-09-27T19:56:00.000-07:00

I know I have lots to say. So we'll see how concisely I can say it and if I can
remember everything to some extent. Clearly, according to the title, I've already
forgotten one thing. We'll see if it comes back.

Seven.

The old theory was as follows: the one you get along with, the one you're attracted to,
the one you connect with, the one you want to follow, the one with whom you have
chemistry, the one you admire, and the one who reflects you.

Seven is a good number.

The seven intelligences: musical, logical-mathematical, kinesthetic, spatial,
linguistic, interpersonal, and intrapersonal.

The new theory is this, and so far I'm up to six: physical, logical, mental, emotional,
spiritual, and social. Maybe number seven has something to do with communication?
...although I feel like that may fall under mental. Maybe.

Johnny Bunko has six principles. He should have seven. Personal Responsibility.

Anyway. Seven.

Physical
Logical
Mental
Emotional
Spiritual
Social
(Communication-al?)

I think this makes the most sense so far. It's broader than the Seven Reasons and
more detailed than the dichotomy of the one who treats you right vs. the one with
whom you have commonalities. Balance and Moderation. Clearly, there is overlap, but
to me, it is sensible overlap.

These things can be framed and prioritized in many different ways. They are more
open to personal perspective. The Seven Reasons was all my philosophy and was not
generalizable. The dichotomy is too simple. To some, differences in some areas may
be more acceptable than to others.

Physical includes attraction and maybe chemistry and other areas of physical fit.

Logical is what makes sense. Logical encapsulates most (all?) of the other areas.

Mental is thinking style, etc. Some may prefer more similarities; others, differences.

Emotional is more like the wavelength on which a person functions. Maybe. I know this
is specifically important to me, but I'm not quite sure how to conceptualize it.

Spiritual refers to a lot of things, all comprising a worldview perspective.

Social is a lot like wavelength, only with others, rather than individually.

(Communication-al?). Not sure. I just needed a seventh one. This could probably
dissolve into the other areas.

I want to see how these seven align with the Seven Reasons, but not right now.

PROACTIVITY.

Honestly, I am so mentally drained that I can't even communicate this clearly.

Essentially, to me, anything other than passivity is more acceptable than passivity.

Passivity is stagnant and stagnancy does not induce growth.

You can't grow sitting still.

The best alternative to passivity is proactivity. Institutional Resources and the
prevention of problems.

The other alternative to passivity is reactivity. Residual Resources and solutions to
problems.

Basically, this ties into the seventh Bunko principle of personal responsibility.

If something is wrong, if you are dissatisfied with something? Change it. React to it.
I don't even care if it's not a good reaction, just do SOMETHING. Don't sit still.
If you can't change it? Work around it, reconsider if it's truly important. Find a way.

Sorry this is maybe completely incoherent. Not in a good writing mentality right now.

I've failed to remember the something else. It'll come up again, I'm sure.

Marx, Mostly

2010-09-16T16:31:00.000-07:00

Hi, friends. I've been reading lots of Marx lately. Three hours worth over the course
of yesterday, to be exact. ...and more to read over the weekend. Yesterday, I read
excerpts from The German Ideology and The Economic and Political Philosophies of 1844.

I read a section of The Communist Manifesto for my Intro to Socio class at HACC and
will be reading a longer portion for Tuesday (for Sociological Theory). My assignment
for HACC was simply to write a critical reaction paper. This paper, "Marx Missed Some
Things," should be archived here.

As I was even more enveloped in the depth of Marx's theories over the course of the
week, I at first felt that I disagreed more with Marx more than I had before. Later, I
felt completely mentally exhausted after reading original texts for three hours and
trying to retain as much as possible and I remedied this by watching some "Arrested
Development." Finally, after discussing our assigned reading in class today and
tying it to some things we mentioned in Methods later in the day, I once again feel
that Marx really was onto something. He did, indeed, miss some things due to some
vast logical leaps he made, but the general conflict he was addressing resonates with
so much of what I've been saying for so long. Marx missed some things in regards to
the fact that he blamed such issues on Capitalism, rather than on individuals.

Blaming the system is much like writing in the passive voice (which, by the way, is
becoming less and less accepted in scholarly research articles...we're back to I
statements, that is).

Blaming the individuals, if done with care and balance and moderation, can actually
give said individuals a great deal of freedom and responsibility. Instead of telling
a person that a negative situation is his or her fault, blaming the individual should
be done so that it sounds more like, "You can fix this."
This is called something, some term I can never quite remember. Attribution theory?
Blaming external circumstances removes the blame from the individual and also removes
autonomy from that same individual.
Blaming internal circumstances places the blame on the individual and also gives an
amount of autonomy back to that individual.

(Perhaps, here we should remember and keep in mind the "Serenity Prayer")

Blaming the individual returns autonomy and a certain kind of freedom. And, in all
honesty, after reading Marx for three hours and discussing him for another one and
a half, on top of thinking about his theories before and after the discussion; it
sounds like that's really all Marx wanted.

He describes that, in the Communist system, all individuals would have the freedom
to fish in the morning, hunt in the afternoon, and be a critical critic in the
evening (paraphrased), all the while NOT being pigeon-holed into any of those (or
other) titles.
Freedom and mobility - what Marx really wanted.

However, he missed some things. He had the right premise, the right idea, but he
landed in the wrong spot.

Speaking of that, this is also why I disagree with Hegel's theory of the dialectic.
Hegel proposes that there is some idea, a thesis, that is in tension with the opposite
idea, an antithesis. Through this tension, society will arrive at a synthesis. This
synthesis becomes the new thesis, which is in tension with its antithesis. Again, a
new idea will arise through synthesis and this process will continue until society
discovers Truth.
But, see, this doesn't do it for me because, a person can have the right premise
and the right idea, and through whatever logical or personal error, miss the mark.
Truth does not arise from such a natural process as that of the dialectic.

Anyway. Marx had the right idea, the right premise, but he landed in the wrong spot.

The greatest logical flaw that was apparent at least twice throughout all the original
text I read was this... Marx argued that the ability to labor (creatively and freely)
is what makes us human. He goes on to say that becoming laborers is also what strips
us of our humanness. While the distinction can be made that we cease to be human when
our labor ceases to be creative and free, we become simply as part of a machine, and
we become a commodity; there's a pretty significant gap in Marx's logical argument.

This process of losing the human essence, the species being, and become a simple
mode of production, an animal laborens, is what Marx refers to as alienation.

Alienation occurs because the joy is taken out of work (labor).

Marx blames this on Capitalism.

I do not.

Alienation occurs when a person is reduced to having some job that is not fulfilling.

This occurs because that person is expecting having some job, any job, will be
completely fulfilling.

(Oh, I've been talking about expectations vs. reality a LOT lately, haven't I?)

And this, my friends, ties back into EVERYTHING I've been saying for, oh, about the
past YEAR about core values.

A stupid little job (factory work, assembly line, cashier, gas station attendant, and
so on) probably will not be completely fulfilling. (I do agree with Marx that it is
especially difficult for assembly line work to bring fulfillment in regards to simple
productivity because a factory worker is so alienated and removed from both product
and the production design). However, almost all jobs will at least be fulfilling to
the extent that the worker is being productive. I believe that being productive is
a very important part of being human. This is why so many people experience post-
retirement depression and why the cycle of depression is so very difficult to stop.

However! Even though a stupid little job will not be completely satisfying, that does
not mean that an individual must be completely alienated. I realize that Marx was
criticizing a very different time in history, but I wonder what would have been
different had Marx taken this more metaphysical(?) bent?...

I've been writing for too long now and I fear that, if I continue in this same
manner, my thesis-conclusion will be blurred and muddied. So, sorry that this is
going to be short and blunt, but...

Alienation due to a stupid little job occurs when meaning is not found in a place
other than that mostly insignificant job.

Alienation can be avoided.

Alienation occurs when all meaning is wrapped up in and expected to be provided by
something that simply cannot provide all meaning.

Alienation due to a job will only occur when an individual expects that job to
provide some meaning that it simply cannot give.

I'm sorry if it's simplistic, but I believe that it works.

If you decide that you're not happy -- change your mind.

Personal Responsibility

2010-09-03T19:43:00.000-07:00

I know I just posted a day or so ago, but I have time and I'm going to keep writing
while I have time. It feels too soon to post again, but I have more things to say and
I'm going to keep writing if I have more things to say.

On a side note, PDP is annoying in regards to the fact that it is very difficult to
learn and practice something if one is already skilled in that particular area. It
seems illogical to say, but if it's a skill that, to you, feels like second nature, it
is terribly painful and difficult to go through the time-consuming steps of a curriculum
designed to teach that skill that, to you, feels like second nature. In other words, it's
really difficult to slow down and think through a process that comes so easily.

Anyway.

Personal Responsibility

According to Dan Pink and The Adventures of Johnny Bunko, there are six keys to success:
1. There is no plan
2. Think strengths, not weaknesses
3. It's not about you
4. Persistence trumps talent
5. Make excellent mistakes
6. Leave an imprint

To me, the seventh Bunko principle could be: Be personally responsible.

Many things are within your control. Thus, to some extent, you are responsible for
them. Even if it is an area where other people or institutions have some influence,
if you are involved in such an area, you should take every liberty to be involved
and be responsible for how that area influences you (and your happiness!).

I'm being vague because the only example I can give will be overly obvious.

Essentially, you cannot blame an institution when you clearly had the time and
necessary resources available to avoid the issue that occurred. You certainly had the
opportunity to check and double-check and double-check again to make certain the the
institution had done its part. If you had, you would have seen the mistake, been able
to correct it, and avoided this entire mess.

I am so tired of so much.

Upcoming topic: The Seven Intelligences

Far Too Complicated

2010-09-02T09:09:00.000-07:00

Social networking sites such as Facebook seem to be dissolving into something useful,
but altogether shallow. A Facebook user was once able to write a finite amount of prose
in regards to his or her likes and interests. Now, Facebook utilizes a different profile
design that forces users to limit themselves to the confines of "pages" that they can
"like." These strict and simple lists now compose the Likes and Interests Section,
where there was once a greater degree of personal expression.

When this profile change was made, Facebook automatically tried to strain and filter
my personal prose of expression into such a strict and simple list. This was not easy
for Facebook to do. When I realized this was about to happen, I copied my entire Likes
and Interests Section because, as a writer, I take everything I have created quite
seriously and consider it all to be a collection of linguistic works of art, whether
real writing, journal entries, blogs, school notes, or Facebook-related items.

These new Facebook confines are common across the vast sea of social networking sites
and I believe they are far too confining. They are far too confining and they will
end with negative consequences. Perhaps most likely latent (maybe!), but negative.

Anyway. I guess this mostly has to do with an idea that is common within areas of the
Social Sciences. I apologize that I do not recall the precise term for this, but I
had Gen Psych and Intro to Socio during the Fall semester of my Senior year. I feel
like that was a long time ago. Today, I shared my fear of not remembering the basics
of my concentrations with Dr. Hayes and she reassured me that it will not be a problem.
Anyway. There's a Social Science idea (due to my taking Gen Psych and Intro to Socio
at the same time, such ideas blend together and cross department lines) that suggests
people become what they are expected to be. I believe this is mostly Labeling Theory
and is a Sociological idea, but Psychologists probably have some similar idea.

Anyway. Social Networking profiles do not allow a person to express how deep he or
she truly is and, applying Labeling Theory, if a person is treated as shallow, simple,
and uncomplicated, that is what that person is likely to become.

As I began to realize this, I began to become disgusted with the idea of a strict and
simple list within my Likes and Interests section. In order to defend against this, I
deleted the entire section. My About Me section remains as in-depth as the word limit
will allow, but I added an opening sentence of: "I am much more complicated than this."
In all honesty, I would much rather boycott the whole philosophy of the social
networking system and delete my profile altogether, but I cannot emotional bring
myself to do so, due to my severe social interest in so many other people and desire
to be easily connected to their life events, even if those life events are watered
down by the limits of such a social networking site.

I have also been considering complexity in regards to my personality as I consider
the idea of a potential romantic relationship, so that I will be somewhat prepared
when such an opportunity presents itself. Lately, I have been feeling more and more
complex and I fear there may be no one to complement my kind of complexity or at
least understand it to the point of my satisfaction. I do realize that this sounds so
wholeheartedly arrogant, but necessity and preference is important to consider, as
long as one does not create an image of the ideal. Generally, considering personal
complexity has been quite disheartening. Perhaps I will conclude such a complementing
complexity is unlikely to exist; unlikely enough that it ceases to be a necessity.

I'm not going to go into this deeply at all, but what if the changes to social
networking sites in regards to the watering down and simplifying of profiles is NOT
latent and the negative consequences are actually completely intended? What if the
minds behind social networking sites want us to feel simple and shallow so that we
become as such?

That's all for now.

Upcoming Topic: Personal Responsibility/Independence (tied to Non-Complaining!)

This is Not the End

2010-08-19T07:19:00.000-07:00

The chorus of The Bravery's song, This is Not the End, goes like this:

Not even earth can hold us
Not even life controls us
Not even the ground can keep us down
The memories in my head
Are just as real the time we spent
You'll always be close to me, my friend
This is not the end

In my own way, according to my circumstances, I feel like I understand this more now.

It's a matter of specificity when it comes to communicating such an ending event.

This is not THE end.

This is THIS end.

I feel myself becoming increasingly concerned with such minute linguistic details
and wonder if it has the potential to eventually get me in trouble with other people.

Probably.

One-Liners

2010-07-21T10:38:00.000-07:00

Clearing out some stuff in order to perform an exorcism upon the Kimmel Gene, I've
been sorting my many notebooks and have come across some philosophical and/or poetic
pieces worthy of pride.

(Note: The Kimmel Gene is a family term, referring to the familiar tendency to hoard.)

The things you love aren't real at all.

I wish you could see the world through my eyes.

How can I trust you when I can't find the ground?

In other news, if I weren't such a tactile person, I would consider hiring a typist
to archive everything I've ever written in any of my many notebooks.

But that would be completely unsatisfying because of my kinesthetic learning style,
as well as my ever-increasing OCD tendencies, which would have to be largely ignored
since much of what I have written, I failed to notate with a date including the year.

http://www.learning-styles-online.com/overview/

In other news, I really am beginning to realize the style of writing I most prefer.
I like the rhythm that's created when I write a run-on sentence and read it too fast
in my head. There's a place past run-ons that sounds like mewithoutyou and, if I
don't reach it, at least Flobots.

This explains why I use too many words. Too many? No such thing!

Very Old Short Story (so far)

2010-06-26T21:59:00.000-07:00

_____This short story is based upon a dream. According to the notebook where I began to write it, I did so on February 16. I began writing it before I had realized my composition dates required the year to be included. I began writing it back during the time I did not capitalize my sentences.
_____I had not finished writing it because I thought the general concept of the story was far too ridiculous to even take seriously. I am now determined to finish it and I hope the years that have passed have not eroded the memory beyond repair.

_____I apologize greatly for any blatant errors or examples of terrible writing syntax that are certainly evident in this piece. As far as I can tell, it was written February of 2004. This is only the roughest of drafts, copied straight from the notebook, so it will be edited before I continue with the plot. It greatly excites me when I see obvious similarities between this and more recent writing of mine. I know it's weird; just think how I must have felt after I dreamed this! Oh, and that blank space in the first section after "passionately"? That's actually how it was written in my notebook. Apparently I didn't know how to write about kissing. lol.

____________________________________________________________________________________

_____It was a beautiful day. Bright, sunny, and cheerful, she decided to go down to the beach. As she traveled along the shoreline, she noticed a man sitting under an umbrella and almost fully clothed. He certainly was out of place on the warm beach. Although she was extremely curious, she kept walking. As she went past, she had the feeling that he was staring right at her. She felt his eyes penetrating her body. She was young and very beautiful. She shuddered at the thought that he might be a stalker. She quickened her step and continued for a little while more when she decided to turn back. She had forgotten all about the man under the umbrella until he was within sight. She tried to force herself not to look at him, but he was so unusual. She kept her eyes locked on the lifeguard chair in front of her, but he was looking at her again. He seemed to be studying her, as if she was important to him, as if she was what he was looking for. She closed her eyes and hoped for her safety, but something was calling her to him. She glanced at him and his eyes met hers. She immediately looked away. She didn’t know what he wanted or what his problem was, but she had to find out. Against her better judgment, she steered herself toward him. She thought a trace of pleasure flashed across his face, but she convinced herself it was just an illusion. As she continued toward him, she attempted to gather her thoughts. But as she studied him, all sense and logic escaped her. He appeared older and looked as if life had treated him unfairly. She blinked away the wave of compassion that had struck her as she started to speak to him. He smiled, almost cynically, and all words stopped.
_____What’s wrong with me? He’s just some perverted hobo sitting on the beach. Why in the world did I approach him?... she thought. He looked as if he wanted to stand to greet her, but somehow she knew that he could not. She kneeled in the sand and brought herself to his level.
_____“You’re perfect.” He smiled. She felt herself blush as she was flattered, even though she should have been frightened. “You’re absolutely perfect.” He leaned forward. “I need someone to support me in everything I do. Someone young and beautiful and confident and smart and you’re perfect.” She was flattered. “I need someone to back me up. I need you. I need you to help me…” She was puzzled. “…with this.” He pulled up his pant leg, showing his twisted leg that had been mangled by some disease. She winced. “It’s fine. It doesn’t hurt me, but it makes life all the more difficult. I’m sure you know how hard life is to begin with.” She did. Somehow, he had seen through her sky-blue eyes to see her past, filled with pain.
_____“There’s only one way to fix this.” He pointed to his leg. “And I’ve found it. I know you’re trustworthy and now I need you to trust me. I need you to follow me and support me.” She nodded. He started to stand, but it looked like he wouldn’t make it. She stood and offered to help him. He refused. He slowly succeeded and he then looked deep into her eyes. She didn’t know what it was about him, but she felt herself falling in love. She did not care about his outer self or his looks or his age. There was something more important inside. As she finally composed herself to speak, she studied his light hazel eyes. She leaned close and confided, “I don’t know what’s happened, but I don’t care. I love you and I always will. I’ll follow you anywhere and I’ll do anything.” He put his hands on her waist and moved toward her. She grew tense for a moment, drew back, but then relaxed and let him advance as she started to long for his kiss. When his lips finally met hers, she passionately _________. He drew her to himself and she leaned on his embrace.

_____They pulled apart and he took her hand as he started to walk along the beach. They continued to the very end of all the swimming areas when he stopped. She looked at him questioningly as he turned toward the open ocean. She didn’t understand what he was doing so she turned to him, turned his head with her hand, and kissed him again, He smiled a smile that told her everything would be fine. She swallowed her nervousness as he stepped toward the water. He kept walking, even as the waves washed over his shoes. She let go of his hand when she realized he wasn’t going to stop. He turned his head and encouraged her to keep going as he continued. She watched as the man she loved walked out to sea. When she remembered her promise, she forced herself to follow him. He slowed and waited for her, as if he knew she was far too scared to keep walking alone. She was confused, yet she trusted him. She hurried to catch up as he waited patiently. When she was beside him, she took his hand and they both started walking. She began to speculate what his magnificent healing plan was. Was he planning to drown himself? Or was there something beyond her imagination that she didn’t understand? She dreadfully hoped that his solution did not involve death. When she forced herself to stop thinking about it and stop assuming things she didn’t know, she realized he had stopped. “We’re here,” he said, “Are you ready?” She began to ask for what, but before she could, he dove under the water. She didn’t know what was happening, she didn’t know what he was thinking, she didn’t know where he had gone, and she didn’t have any idea what she had gotten herself into. She shook her head, ashamed of ignoring her better judgment, as she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and gracefully dove down. Expecting to run into the bottom, she opened her eyes. She thought the salt water would burn her eyes, but for some reason it didn’t. As she adjusted to the dim light under the water, she saw a bright blue glow straight in front of her in the distance. And a little ways ahead, she saw a figure swimming toward the glow. She knew she wouldn’t be able to catch up to him, so she instinctively shouted “Wait!” The blurry shape stopped moving and turned around. She recognized his friendly face and he started swimming toward her. Now that she wasn’t alone, she breathed a sigh of relief. She stopped suddenly as she realized she was able to breathe underwater and that she had been for some time.

_____She didn’t know what was happening to her and she started to hyperventilate. When he saw that she was struggling to accept what was changing, he rushed to her side at a speed that she knew was humanly impossible, especially with his disability. He told her that everything would be fine if she just trusted him and that they’d be fine if they just stayed together. She knew that, but she couldn’t force herself to believe what was happening. Seeing that she was still unsure, he drew her close in an embrace that settled her deepest fears and doubts. She took a few deep breaths and made herself think that it was always this way and that she just hadn’t accepted it. This way, she could swallow her unsureity [sic] and follow him through whatever approached her. He invited her to keep following him as he began to swim toward the blue glow. As he pulled away, she did not move. He turned back to her and asked if she was okay. She nodded, as she quickly began toward the same blue.
_____When they were closer to the blue light, she could see the faint outline of a complex city-like structure. She immediately thought that this man had found Atlantis and she laughed at the notion. The idea that they had both lost their minds. She began to think that that theory made the most sense. As she shook the silliness that had entered her mind far away from her, she realized that they had stopped right at the edge of the glowing blue abyss.
_____“Are you ready?” he questioned. Again, she wanted to ask for what, but she wisely answered with a simple yes. He assured her that they would all love her, just as much as he did. She frantically said, “They? Who are they?” He put his hands on her shoulders. “Don’t worry, they’re just like me.” Even though she was still confused, hoping to forget all that she didn’t know, she leaned forward and kissed him. “Everything will be fine; trust me.” And she did trust him, but she was still afraid. He took her hand and he stepped into the blue light. He seemed to instantly change, but she did not know into what. He was swept over by a wash of blue color, but there was something else different. She figured that the only way to find out was to follow him, so she closed her eyes and moved forward. She then realized that whatever changed him would change her as well, but she thought of that too late and when she opened her eyes the changes that she saw in him had to be the same as the changes she felt in herself. He asked if she was okay and his face was the last thing she saw before all went black.

_____Her head throbbed with the blank memory of what had happened. She tried to blink away the pain, but it just wouldn’t go away. She sat halfway up and saw a tall, blue figure that was unfamiliar. He spoke to another behind him saying, “She’s up. You better come here. She doesn’t look too good.” She laid back down and tried to convince herself it was all a dream, but memories of the beach and a blue haze and that familiar face that she loved told her otherwise and it was all too real.
_____A strong hand gently touched her shoulder as a beloved voice urged her to wake up. She slowly opened her eyes to see his face, which was the same, yet vastly different. He put his arm behind her back and lifted her up. “You’re okay, right?” She nodded. She was confused and dazed and very much out of it, but this was the choice she had made and, whatever exactly that entailed, she had to endure it.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Fireflies and Insincerity

2010-06-26T21:06:00.000-07:00

The beautiful words I have crafted thus far. I'm going to work on the very old short
story I mentioned previously.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fireflies and Insincerity 06-25-10

I'd like to leave a silent voicemail.
About the fireflies over the field
and in front of my windshield.
Then I would be as insincere as them and they as me and you.
As insincere as you and me and everything you want to be.

Thinking Styles and Careers

2010-06-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

I have a career/personality test that I need to complete. It seems extremely
extensive and I'm a little apprehensive... about beginning it and having to
finish it.

Apparently I am now a rapper.

I've been thinking about poetry a lot lately and how I would like to practice my
word-crafting skills. I'd like to be able to write a piece free from meter and
rhyme and, most importantly, storyline. I want to form beautiful sentences from
beautiful words to create beautiful concepts that don't particularly lead anywhere.
I simply want to capture a feeling. I have a feeling this piece is going to start
out about fireflies and insincerity.

I've also been thinking about the concept of careers. In general, I could easily say
that I completely disagree with the American view that one's life must be defined
by a certain career. But you know me and you know I don't like blanket statements...

(as a side note, I found a very old short story I once began and soon gave up on and
I have not stopped thinking about how much I want to finish it, even though the basic
plot has probably largely been lost...)

The basic problem I have with the American concept of career is that a career is a
far too tangible thing to be the center focus and definition of a person's entire
life. But that's the American Dream, isn't it? Pick a career, go to school, and live
that career. Forever.

Oh, hey, fear-of-commitment.

Instead, I believe the focal point and primary definition (master status!) of one's
life should be something more intangible. It seems to be that the less intangible,
the more readily attained, achieved, and maintained; perhaps because things less
tangible are more open to interpretation and broader definitions?

I do not deny that I have an ultimate career goal. (see previous post(s) about the
importance of goal-setting) This ultimate career goal of mine is youth counseling,
whether as a school guidance counselor or otherwise. There is available proof that
this is my ultimate career goal because it is written in the headers of my plan of
major and plans of minors. However, this tangible goal does not act as the defining
status of my life because it is motivated by less tangible core values. It is these
values that I allow to act as the primary definitions of my life.

Today, I was asked what I first think of when I think of "success." I'll admit, as
an individual who has been enculturated with the American belief system, my first
reaction was "money." While I admitted this to the surveyor, I first responded with
my real answer of what I want to think of when I think of "success":
Achieving a purpose or goal. Or even just working toward that goal. Making progress
and being motivated to being productive in some way.
I was then asked to clarify what success means to me personally:
Youth counseling. Establishing camaraderie. Acting with compassion. Etc. And having
a white baby grand piano at some time. :)

These are those core values that I allow to act as the primary definitions of my
life, among others:
sanctified and selfless compassion
altruism
balance and moderation
catharsis
non-proselytism
empowerment
empathy
non-complaining
responsibility
outspokenness
attitude
integrity
synergy
productivity
motivation

The bottom line is this (and I will try to be as concise as possible)...
If one's ultimate career goal is motivated by any such core value, that career goal
can and should be attained, achieved, and maintained at all times, even before that
specific training is completed or the title is received.

(that's really the main thing... it's not about the title...)

Even though my ultimate career goal is youth counseling, the core values that act
as motivators and can be achieved regardless of where I am, the training I have
completed, or the title(s) I have received.

So, after I concluded this, I was thinking about other examples of career goals and
how the core values that should motivate them could be achieved at all times during
one's life.

I only ran into a problem when I began thinking of more "technical" careers... the
more tangible titles... electricians, mechanics, doctors, chemists, etc.

While these careers certainly still have room to be motivated by core values (finding
solutions, fixing and preventing problems, discovering new things, etc), the core
values are somewhat restricted by the more tangible and technical nature of such
career goals.

[enter, the difference between science-thinkers and thought-thinkers]
----------------------------------------------------------------
There are two different kinds of people here at Bridgewater; two
very different kinds of thought processes, learning styles, and
general philosophies of life. There are the science-thinkers...
chem, bio, math, comp, etc. There are the thought-thinkers...
socio, psych, eng, rel, philos, educ, etc.
Bear in mind that there sometimes is some overlap, but...
These different kinds of thinkers consequently have extremely
different opinions about the Liberal Arts philosophy. The science-
thinkers tend to view Liberal Arts as an unnecessary and painful
burden. The thought-thinkers adore the Liberal Arts and view it
as inherently invaluable.
...
Certainly, there would still be a chance for a small percentage of
students to be unhappy (because I have met some science-thinkers that
are thought-thinking majors), but this is why the admissions process
would have to be stricter.
[excerpted from "Ideas and Aspirations" - April 11, 2010]
----------------------------------------------------------------

So, even though both science-thinkers and thought-thinkers theoretically could be
motivated by the same core values, the way the express and demonstrate those core
values through their ultimate career goals would be inherently different.

In regards to career and personality tests, I believe this may be the most important
starting point.

Are you a science-thinker (more tangible) or a thought-thinker (less tangible)?

Oh, hellooooooo, Thinking Styles Continuum.

If a science-thinker tries to fit into a thought-thinking-shaped hole, chances are
he or she will be quite unhappy.

If a thought-thinker tries to fit into a science-thinking-shaped hole, chances are
he or she will be quite unhappy.

All in all, even though I am obviously biased toward thought-thinking aspirations
and science-thinkers are likely to experience more difficulty in achieving happiness
because of the more tangible nature of the ultimate career goals they are most likely
going to be inclined towards, the world most definitely needs science-thinkers to
balance the thought-thinkers and ultimately find solutions, fix and prevent problems,
and discover new things.

The most important thing may be to know what kind of thinker you are so that you will
be aware of the specific challenges with which you will most likely be faced.

Upcoming topic: Career Changes and Starting Over

Productive Town, Blue Teeth, Eyes, and Lies (and Limitations)

2010-06-10T17:27:00.000-07:00

Productive Town will be discussed last because that is the topic that is likely to
take the longest to write. Productive Town is a more personal discussion, while Blue
Teeth and Lies pertain to societal issues and Limitations is about a popular belief.
Browse as you please.

Blue Teeth

More commonly known as blue tooth headsets, blue teeth present a very convenient
social excuse. At my job at a local gas station/convenience store, a number of
customers shop and pay while conducting business on their cell phones. I have since
grown accustomed to this display of rudeness because I realize that many of these
people are conducting legitimate business calls (although I doubt any of them are
too busy to wait for or pause that call for the short amount of time it takes to
make and pay for a cup of coffee). However, blue teeth present a different form of
rudeness because it is now somewhat hidden. A call no longer requires the person to
operate with one hand or awkwardly pinch his or her phone on between shoulder and
ear. The person now stands erect and free while still tied to a business call; now
feels not-rude because there is less physical notice of the said rudeness, even
though the actual act is not any less rude.

Eyes (The Contact Of)

Also at my job at a local gas station/convenience store, I have noticed that human
contact is largely illegitimate when eye contact is absent. This becomes evident when
ringing up a customer if eye contact is not established by me. As I take their money
and make their change, if I continue to not look at them, I can feel them looking at
me, waiting for contact to be established. See, kids? Eye contact is crucial! And,
sometimes, there are times when it makes sense to split an infinitive verb!

Lies

Also at my job at a local gas station/convenience store (haha), I have noticed that
society teaches us to lie. (At least this seems to be true for Central Pennsylvania
and is probably also true for the rest of America, at least.) This concept does not
require much explanation, other than a short example:
"Hello."
"Hi, how are you."
"Good, you?"
"Good." (or no response)
This societal lesson of lying is particularly evident when the person offers no
response. Clearly if he or she asked me and does not care enough to offer the same
lie of an answer, he or she could not have possibly care genuinely about the question
or my lie of an answer. We are primed to lie, become accustomed to it, and are likely
to experience less remorse when presented with a real opportunity to provide another.

Limitations

[Saved as a draft text; copied here unedited]
Contrary to popular belief, there are very few limitations in this world. You can do
most anything you want, but it is essential that you want it. Risk? Be wisely safe,
but unafraid. Uncertainty? Learn from others, then your own experiences.
[End]
Perhaps limitations (glass ceiling, etc) are also fabricated by society. Society,
society... we blame it all on society? And remove the personal responsibility? No,
for what is society other than a complicated web of individuals, all with personal
responsibilities?

Anyway, this provides a transition into the next and most important topic because
it is essential that you want it. Even if limitations are a figment of society's
imagination, if we believe them to be real, they are real in their consequences
(see: Thomas Theorem). Even if limitations largely do not exist, one must want to
overcome these imagined limitations in order to be motivated to do so...

Productive Town (and Productivity)

[Excerpts from journal entries on June 10, 2010; edited]
Textbook depression = "little to no interest in the things that have always given
you joy…” People experiencing depression, whether situational or prolonged, typically
reduce themselves to doing nothing else other than working and sleeping. I suppose
they lose interest in everything because activities feel like they would become
scapegoats. If they were to bury themselves in productivity, perhaps they would feel
this to be severe denial - that they are distracting themselves, rather than owning
up to how they feel. So instead, they do nothing so that they are fully aware of
their sadness and sleep so that, on the contrary, they feel nothing. They do nothing
so that they feel and sleep so that they do not feel (because they cannot handle the
depths of their sadness).

_____Supposedly, productivity is injured by sadness. But what if it is the other way
around? What if a lack of productivity creates sadness? Even worse, what if this
absence reveals sadness?
_____Generally, when I am sad, I do experience a loss of interest and a decrease in
productivity. This is to be expected, supposedly. But what if the opposite is true?
When I am sad, I cease to be productive because focusing on being productive would
distract me from my sadness and, in a sense, deny the real issue (unless, of course,
there is no real issue and the sadness is legitimately illogical). When I am sad, I
cease to be productive because I want to attack my feelings, rather than distracting
myself from them.
_____Generally, when people begin to cease being productive, they begin to feel sad.
This suggest that being productive is crucial to being human and, likewise,
surviving. Therefore, a lack of productivity causes sadness.

_____Productivity and satisfaction are inherently connected. Everything is
interrelated, entwined. The connection is visible in Erikson’s eight-stage theory
and I am sure it is obvious throughout the rest of psychology and sociology, as well
as the other social sciences. Trust, autonomy, initiative, industry, identity,
intimacy, generativity, integrity.
_____I’ve said that the foundation of “happiness” is to determine what one wants,
because clearly, what one wants cannot provide any satisfaction unless it is
understood as being wanted. However, it does not stop there because, after
determining what is wanted, it must be produced – achieved, attained, created, etc.
That’s the difference. It’s not just knowing what is wanted, but it is having an
active role in producing the goal.
_____Goal-Setting. It’s not appreciated at first and should be better-communicated
as being very important.
_____One must take an active role in producing his or her own happiness. Far too
many people expect “happiness” to simply fall on their heads or for them to simply
stumble upon it. Unfortunately, this is not how “happiness” works, however you may
define it. It is more than simply deciding what one wants; although I never
explained the second step because I expected it would follow naturally. I see now
that the first step makes more sense when followed by the second step. One must
decide what he or she wants and then take an active role in producing it, whether
this production is achievement, attainment, creation, discovery, or something else.
_____Perhaps what no one realizes is that this productivity may be more fulfilling
than the actual goal that is eventually produced. Maybe. There certainly are
negative effects of repeatedly or continuously failing to achieve a goal. But aside
from that, maybe the productivity really is more important. The feeling of getting
something done may be one of the most fulfilling of all feelings. Not getting
something done, but rather being productive and working toward a goal. This is why I
emphasize “goal-setting” as absolutely crucial to “happiness.” But the goal is
simply preliminary. The goal will give you nothing if you just let it sit there.
Nothing. No work, no reward?
_____Productive.
_____(This is why it is crucial to know WHAT you want to do, so that your
productivity will satisfy you.)

____________________________________________________________________________________

In other news, as a post script (and crooked lines!), fame is completely unimportant
to me and celebrities almost always sicken me, as does the idea of celebrity-ness.
Please do not proselytize me with your excitement. I will be excited for you; for the
fact that you are excited for others, but I will not be excited about the concept,
the reason, for excitement. And, in still other news, I don't feel like explaining,
particularly when I do not fully understand it.

My HOBY Hangover (May 24, 2010)

2010-05-25T15:30:00.000-07:00

The HOBY hangover is induced by an overdose of HOBY magic (which creates the HOBY
high) and a severe deficiency of sleep. Recovery is difficult, evident by the fact
that eleven hours of sleep does not fully counteract a person's exhaustion.

Anyway. My HOBY Hangover.

I wrote and saved this as a draft text during Ambassador Reflections on Sunday, May 23.

_____ HOBY is the best kind of therapy.

Many students talked about overcoming severe panic disorders or other such emotional
ailments because of HOBY. I also wrote this:

_____ I've been so busy since school ended that I've not yet had time to readjust to
_____ being home, with my friends who do not understand how much college has changed
_____ me and how little little things matter. My second semester was filled with
_____ negative energy of people who do not appreciate liberal arts and who are not
_____ happy at Bridgewater, the place where I am so so so happy and content, the
_____ place that has the potential to be my utopia school. Their unhappiness infects
_____ my happiness and I do not know how to handle it. The two people that provided
_____ the most positive energy at school are now gone. I have to readjust to them
_____ being gone, I have to readjust to being in negative energy with York people,
_____ AND I have to go through the withdrawal of not being at HOBY.

At Staff Reflections, I lost it when Danielle Guldin talked about the absolute
camaraderie that is alive at HOBY. A newbie, Kate, defined HOBY as an environment
with a general air of acceptance. Rich said that HOBY is the way life should be. The
camaraderie at HOBY is established through the acceptance, which fulfills the basic
human need. This is what we all have in common - we NEED this. This is the way life
should be. We refer to it as the HOBY magic because none of us can fully explain
WHERE this acceptance comes from or HOW it is established or BY WHAT means. Mike said
that nothing really special happens at HOBY; that we are simply getting down to what
is special within each of us. I suggest this something special is acknowledging our
need for other people and having it fulfilled. In regards to the new and uncertain
location, Cathy said that we can make HOBY happen everywhere because THIS is HOBY.
[The building does not matter, we cannot be confined (Taoism).] What remains
indescribable is HOW this something special is acknowledged and fulfilled. What sets
HOBY apart? Perhaps it is the people. Even so, we are all so different...

After Staff Reflections, I was holding it together until Pete came to give me a hug.
I lost it and sobbed in his arms. I figured it was simply because I love HOBY too
much and realized it was nearly over. He said, "I know." Next, Rich came to give me
a hug. When Rich looks at you, you can feel the love he has for every single person.
He released me and asked what was bugging me. I may have said nothing or that I did
not know, but my answer was not sufficient, even though I did not realize it at the
time. This realization came later during Ambassador Reflections. What set it off was
a girl who talked about high school cliques and HOBY. To the greatest extent I have
ever seen and believe to be possible, there are no cliques at HOBY. This is the HOW
that cannot be answered.

I realized that, all too soon, I would have to leave HOBY and that this action would
be so very physically painful. I knew that, when I left, I would have to face the
reality of finally being back home for more than three nights at a time. I wasn't
sure I could handle it. I knew that, when I left, I would have to return to my York-
based cliques - the people who understand me less and less each day. I wasn't sure
I could handle it. I knew that, when I return to school this Fall, the negative
energy of non-kindred spirits will threaten to drown me once again. I wasn't sure I
could handle it. I knew that, when I returned to face this negative energy once again,
the two people whose positive energy counteracted it the most will no longer be there.
I wasn't sure I could handle it.

While my past conditional statements of uncertainty imply that I am now certain that
I can or cannot handle these things, the sad thing is that I remain unsure of my
abilities to cope with my emotionally fragile state. The one thing I am sure of is
that Cathy is right - our location does not matter. HOBY is not a program, but rather
a spirit. The HOBY magic does not have to be confined to Millersville and the third
weekend of May. HOBY does not need to end. Furthermore, I know that I need HOBY to
do just that. I need HOBY to NOT end. So let's not let it. I need you guys. And I
need the HOBY magic that is inside each of you so that my HOBY magic is energized by
your energy and my HOBY high is maintained.

I wish I could have communicated this at Staff Reflections, but my realization did
not occur soon enough for me to share with you in person.

All in all, I feel physically, emotionally, and mentally incapable of fully returning
to the real world. However, the real world demands that I must. In order to survive,
live the dash, and be the best me I can be, I need the HOBY magic to accompany me
back to the places where negative energy abounds. I am scared and I need you guys so
that I can be. Ubuntu.

The HOBY magic still baffles me. We are all so different, but somehow, HOBY brings
our our commonality of needing the HOBY magic (even if we never before realized our
deficiency). But HOW?

Ubuntu.

Uninspired Home

2010-05-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

Looking at the list of upcoming topics, I am feeling uninspired to write about any
of them. Perhaps I shall work on one of my books. Throughout the course of this
semester, If I Were a Teacher has become increasingly long.

I fear I may have missed a few that were to be added. I'm sure they will arise with
the negative energy at least once more before I leave here in two years' time.

So, rather than writing about an uninspired upcoming topic or working on my book(s),
I shall write about the upcoming event: Home.

I'm leaving tomorrow. This is unreal.

I'm leaving significantly earlier than everyone else (finals continue through Tues).

I know I will miss them, but I am anticipating returning home simply too much for
that to even be a reality right now.

I expect that, when I return here on Tuesday for Jazz Band, I will regret being one
of the first to leave because I will have missed many proper goodbyes. I fear that
this may become a big problem. :/

But, um, in the irrationality of the moment, I'M GOING HOME TOMORROW.

Apparently, I had less to say about that than I thought.

I really dislike how many "I" statements there are in this post.

Well. Time to work on some book(s).

Aware, etc.

2010-05-05T17:31:00.000-07:00

I am aware of the fact that I severely fell behind in posting my written assignments
here. Now that the moments have passed, I am less inclined to post them.

However, I would like to read them someday in order to compile a collection of deep
and profound thoughts that are currently scattered about my papers.

I do, however, recall a few general themes that have arisen in my papers again and
again throughout the semester. I believe I mentioned this in my previous post...

The American Medical System
This topic presented itself frequently in regards to The Sociology of Birth and Death.
I'm not sure what to say on the whole, but these discussion ultimately led to...

Denial
I've been talking about denial EVERYWHERE. Everywhere being both The Sociology of
Birth and Death and The Psychology of Personality. Medical system? Denial. Grief?
Denial. Defense mechanisms? Denial. Catharsis? Non-denial. Denial, denial, denial.
In general, I deeply dislike denial, which is something I've said here before. I do
not believe that denial is healthy in any way, ever. Denial does not resolve the
issue. Denial does not help. Perhaps this is why I have never experienced denial
during my personal stages of grief? Hm.

Reflection
How can I not write about this? Hello, core value!

Public Education
I never realized how deeply interested I am in the public education system. For
Introduction to Social Welfare, we had three assignments that consisted of finding
a recent media article, reading it, and writing a reaction about how it relates to
social welfare. Every article I chose somehow related to public education. NCLB?
Public education. New Pennsylvania budget? Public Education. Teacher repercussions
of school standards? Public education. Absence and truancy laws? Public education.
Even our Think Tank assignment, well my first and incorrect version, was about
community colleges. Public education. At first, this seemed ironic, considering the
fact that I'd been homeschooled my whole life. But, in reality, it makes more-than-
perfect sense. I want to be a youth counselor. I want to work with middle-high school
children. I was homeschooled my whole life. How does this make sense? My unique
education experience gives me a unique education perspective. I previously wrote
about my most ideal job description.

Liberal Arts Education
Unfortunately, this discussion is surrounded by negative energy. I previously wrote
about my most ideal educational environment - Utopia School. I will not restate here.

Another topic that has been on my mind a lot to day is negativity. Well, it's been
on my mind a lot all semester, but today it became even more solidified.

I realized there is a difference between the type of negative energy that has been
bothering me and the type of negative energy that has been bothering those around me.

Those around me are largely bothered by their own negativity, to some degree. In
some way. This may get complicated. Those around me complain about annoying people,
annoying school requirements, annoying food, annoying people, annoying etc, etc.
Those around me are surrounding themselves with negative energy by focusing on things
that are annoying. These things are also largely inconsequential and unimportant.

I am bothered by THIS negativity. I am bothered by the complainers. I am bothered
by the negative energy they focus on, internalize, and carry with them.

(Hm. Complaining creates burdens!)

Furthermore, this negative energy that is focused on, internalized, and carried by
the negative complainers is deeply hurtful for me because they complain about things
that are either inconsequential and insignificant OR important to me.

The superficiality of their complaints and the severity of their negative energy
injures my soul.

"Don't let it injure you, then."

Okay, maybe... but their negative energy is SO powerful. Their negative energy
intoxicates my beautiful environment, making it something that is ugly and hated.

Their negative energy intoxicates my beautiful environment,
making it something that is ugly and hated.

I chose this environment; they clearly did not. I love this environment because I
chose it because I saw the beauty of it; they hate this environment because they
did not choose it because they did not bother with looking for and choosing beauty.

(Caveat: "beauty" here does not refer to superficial, outward appearances)

When they insult this environment, it hurts my soul because I feel as if they are
insulting me. I know I take things extremely seriously, but this is one of my
characteristics and, frankly, it is one that I appreciate.

I am sensitive (in a different sense of the word). When they insult this environment,
it hurts my soul because I feel as if they are insulting me. I know that this could
be expressed better, but I am currently at a loss.

Future topics:

Advice-Giving

Priorities/Decision-Making/Ethical Dilemmas

"Marx Missed Some Things" (archival post)

Stereotypes (Personal Impact)

Counts

2010-04-29T06:29:00.000-07:00

Nine days and eight assignments separate me from Summer.

Eight assignments = two papers, one essay, two finals, one take-home final,
one in-class essay final, and one final paper.

An additional school-related activity takes place on Saturday. Volunteering!

Plus one more piano lesson and two more jazzes.

Nine days 'til.

Eight assignments to go.

Nine days 'til home.

Eleven days 'til two months.

Fourteen days 'til Jazz Tour.

Sixteen days 'til home again.

Eighteen days 'til Commencement.

Nineteen days 'til work.

Twenty-one days 'til HOBY.

Twenty-five days 'til official Summer (nothing but Tom's!).

I twittered this yesterday. It probably constitutes my favorite personal
twitter ever in the history of my twitter.

"Approx 9 things remain til freedom. 91 days since the beginning, 78 days
since the knowing, 48 days since the reality, 10 days to go."

Apparently, I really enjoy countdowns (and ups!). This probably explains why
I also enjoy to-do lists.

Perhaps it stems from my new-found deep dislike of denial?

I deeply dislike denial. :)

Happiness and Satisfaction

2010-04-21T14:15:00.000-07:00

I dislike the word "happiness," but for the sake of clear communication
with the rest of the world, I shall momentarily put aside my preference
for personal connotation and utilize the word to express the generally
accepted meaning.

Happiness and Satisfaction. It's what everyone seems to be seeking.

It's also what none of them seem to be finding.

As easily-stressed out as I may be, I consider myself to be a fairly happy
AND satisfied person. Especially in terms of relative happiness and satisfaction,
when compared to the overall average of everyone else.

Why?

I am happy and satisfied because I know what I want.

How else can anyone expect to be happy and satisfied? With the exception of
general statements about every kind of negativity possible, there is nothing
I hear people say more than, "I am looking for happiness" or "I am trying to
find happiness."

Happiness is not an object that can be found. This is why so many people
remain unhappy and cannot coherently express WHY they are unhappy.

Happiness is not an object, it is a derivative. Happiness is a derivative
because it must be derived from something, whether it be possession, person,
or place.

One does not simply "find happiness," it simply is not possible.

It is absolutely impossible to be happy without first knowing what exactly
will satisfy you.

It is absolutely impossible to be satisfied without first knowing what
exactly will make you happy.

I feel like I have not said this enough.

But really! This is the problem! People are unhappy because they simply
have not taken the time to define what they believe can have the power to
bring them happiness.

I certainly understand that there are other causes for unhappiness, but
this is the most fundamental one.

Another chief cause of unhappiness occurs when a person does know where his
or her happiness would potentially be found, but cannot reach that place.

For instance, the person that wants to find happiness in a high-paying job
cannot achieve happiness because of a lack of job openings or the requirement
to work his or her way up the employment ladder.

How to cope with this? How to be happy when happiness is being blocked?

Steady happiness (joy, fulfillment) cannot be found within such impermanent
(shallow) things like money and jobs because of their changing nature.

Therefore, for a more steady happiness (joy, fulfillment) to be achieved, one's
goal should not rest in such impermanent (shallow) things, but rather a more
steady and unchangeable goal.

For me, these steady and unchangeable goals are very humanitarian in nature.

Sanctified and selfless compassion
Altruism
Balance and moderation
Catharsis
Non-proselytism
Empowerment
Empathy
Non-complaining
Responsibility
Outspokenness
Positive attitude
Integrity
Synergy

These steady and unchangeable goals can be achieved anywhere, regardless of
job status or current wages; regardless of living condition or current situation.

When one's life is focused on such "higher-callings," the superficiality of
material things is revealed and a concern with "happiness" fades away.

That was a weak conclusion. My apologies.

Upcoming topic: Advice-Giving.

Ideas and Aspirations

2010-04-11T11:31:00.000-07:00

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes & revelations

It's weird how those words sound so much more beautiful within
the context of the song, when they are communicated by the voice
of Matthew Bellamy.

Hopes and expectations, ideas and aspirations... ...dreams.

My Idea.

In considering why school is currently making me unhappy, or
rather why I am currently unhappy with school, I decided that
it has a lot to do with the concept of this being a Liberal
Arts school.

I wholeheartedly enjoy the Liberal Arts philosophy. I consider
myself to have had a Liberal Arts life through homeschooling.
I like it.

There are two different kinds of people here at Bridgewater; two
very different kinds of thought processes, learning styles, and
general philosophies of life.

There are the science-thinkers... chem, bio, math, comp, etc.

There are the thought-thinkers... socio, psych, eng, rel, philos,
educ, etc.

Bear in mind that there sometimes is some overlap, but...

These different kinds of thinkers consequently have extremely
different opinions about the Liberal Arts philosophy. The science-
thinkers tend to view Liberal Arts as an unnecessary and painful
burden. The thought-thinkers adore the Liberal Arts and view it
as inherently invaluable.

Therefore... in order to create the best kind of school at which my
kindred spirits and me would thrive, there needs to be a Liberal
Arts school that only offers thought-based majors, such as sociology,
psychology, english, religion, philosophy, education, and so on.

This would be my utopia.

Certainly, there would still be a chance for a small percentage of
students to be unhappy (because I have met some science-thinkers that
are thought-thinking majors), but this is why the admissions process
would have to be stricter.

A lot of the issues I see at Bridgewater have to do with the lenient
admissions process.

There is a difference between lenient admissions and lenient education.
Bridgewater has lenient admissions, but its education is not necessarily
overly lenient. Just because my utopia school would have a more trying
admissions process does not mean that its degree of difficulty would be
too much to handle.

My Idea: Utopia School.

My Aspiration.

Recently, a common theme has been arising throughout my educational
assignments and educational thoughts.

I always end up talking about school.

NCLB, Pennsylvania State Budget, Community Colleges, etc, etc.

Apparently, aaaaaaaPAREntly, I am very interested in the public
education system. ...isn't that odd.

Ironic, sure. But it's an issue I'm particularly interested in
because of my unique experiences. It makes sense to me. Reform from
the inside-out, lol. It really does make sense, though, in regards
to what I really want to do... youth counseling, specifically
simply allowing kids a place where they are listened to by someone
who demonstrates compassion, empathy, and empowerment.

:)

Just like hospitals need to employ a hospital chaplain or hospital
counselor to talk with and listen to dying patients (because the
doctors and nurses deal with it every day and would be too emotionally
distraught to discuss such heavy topics each day at work), schools
need to employ a counselor to talk with and listen to students (because
teachers and principles have other priorities to which they must attend).

I know there are Guidance Counselors, but I feel like they mostly deal
with educational planning, not life topics.

I know there are School Psychologists, but I'd rather hold off on the
requirement to get my Doctorate.

It seems to be like there should be a third position to discuss life
topics and LISTEN TO THE STUDENTS.

What I expect might end up happening is that I become employed as a
Guidance Counselor and create my own guidance counseling philosophy of
integrating compassion, empathy, empowerment, and listening into my job
description of initiating educational planning.

My Aspiration: Within-School Counseling.

Social Welfare and Political Ideologies and Health Care Reform, Oh My!

2010-03-24T16:06:00.000-07:00

If you don't feel like reading this whole thing, at least read the last paragraph
and the last line.

Introducation to Social Welfare Systems is quite the interesting class. It makes me
feel like a sine curve, haha.

"Why am I a Social Work minor?"

"This is going to be really helpful and applicable."

Chapter Ten was about "Social Work and Social Policy." Included within that chapter
was a discussion of political ideologies and how they influence the policies that
influence the field of social work.

I would like to quote the definitions directly from the textbook, but am at the
library and do not have it with me, so will have to quote what I wrote down while I
was reading the chapter...

Included in the textbook were Liberalism, Conservatism, and Radicalism.

My reading notes...

Liberalism
= uphold human rights/social equality, protect political/civil liberties, ensure
economic freedom/democratic participation.
social welfare = legitimate function and citizen's right
neoliberal = reduction in spending, working with businesses

Conservatism
= free-market, individualism, competition, localism, work ethic
social welfare = only temporary, destroys individual initiative, privatizing
neoconservative = needs-based, family responsibility, state/local responsibility,
blame big structures, empower mediating structures

Radicalism
= societal responsibility, revolutionary social change through work force
macrostructural reform, redistribution of power/wealth
[non-capitalistic welfare state in which all citizens share benefits equally]

--> interactive mix of ideological perspectives generates a creative
tension that invigorates and renews the profession (social work).

When Dr. Ford began to lecture about the political ideologies outlined in the book,
she began by saying she did not know why the textbook authors chose to include these
three because radicalism has never been prevalent within the United States and never
will because we've never experienced a workers' revolution because we always had a
high supply of workers. For example, if miners complained about poor work conditions,
their supervisors were able to not care because there were always people seeking work
and workers have always been replaceable.

...workers have always been replaceable? Perhaps. Perhaps for simple manual labor.

She continued by saying that, although radicalism is not existent within the United
States (something I believe I disagree with), there is a third political ideology.

I grinned.

...Libertarianism.

I grinned more.

She asked if anyone had studied anything about Libertarianism in other classes.

No, but I have outside of class!

She asked for examples of prominent Libertarians in society.

"Ron Paul!" I said.

She agreed after a moment's hesitation and explained that he infiltrated the
Republican party and made many of them mad with his Libertarian values.

When Ron Paul was a guest on The Colbert Report and Stephen Colbert asked him to
confirm the fact that he is a Libertarian, he said, "I like liberty, yes." :)

The next example of Libertarianism she provided was Rush Limbaugh. Rush. Limbaugh.
Rush. Limbaugh. What a terrible example. This would not have been that big of a
problem, except for the fact that she did this singling out the Libertarian ideology.
But that's because Libertarianism is less-known and everyone is familiar with the
archetypes for Liberalism and Conservatism!
No matter. Equality in all information given. Right? Equality? Yeah.
...
She continued to talk about Libertarian values, how the root of the term is the
word "liberty" and how Libertarians value liberty and prefer limited government.

Okay, okay, we're on the right track. But then, of course, she felt the need to
talk about the most extreme example of a "true Libertarian," which again would not
have been that big of a problem, except for the fact that she did this singling out
the Libertarian ideology. Again.
Anyway, she went on to say...

"A true Libertarian believes in defense forces, not armed forces; that government
should not rule abortion, that government should be as minimal as possible, that
there should be no social services, that public education should be federally funded
only through sixth grade, and that federal government should not fund social welfare."

Um.

"It sounds like Libertarians just don't care about people in need, doesn't it?"

A student in my class nodded in agreement. I nearly died. But she saved herself.

She explained that this doesn't necessarily mean that Libertarians don't care about
the needy, simply that they do not believe that welfare should be funded through the
federal government, and especially not through taxes.

Right! Because we don't like taxes! :)

There was some other stuff she said that made me kind of mad and I had a fun time
laughing to myself instead of being the outspoken person that I am.

I hope she saw me resist the desire to open my mouth. lolz.

We talked about the health care reform bill. Before you kids jump all over me and my
Libertarian ideology, let me just say that, to be completely honest, I'm mostly
neutral to the health care reform bill itself, simply because I have not researched
it on my own time. Sure, I've heard stuff about it, but I've heard stuff in both
directions, from both sides of the table. And I certainly cannot just rely on stuff
I've heard.

So, in regards to the health care reform bill, I'm mostly neutral.

(gasp!)

However! Amongst what I've heard from others, I have heard values that are either
reflected or denied within the bill and, in regards to these, I know where I stand.

My values are not blurry.

My teacher began by explaining that the journey toward health care reform (namely,
universal health care) began with Theodore Roosevelt in the early 1900's. The
American Medical Association (AMA) was originally opposed to the early attempts at
initiating universal health care, but now vigorously support it.

That sounds fishy to me.

We then worked with a partner to try and complete a T/F quiz about "How Health Care
Reform Will (and Will Not) Change Your Life?" This can be found here.

Starting in 2014, if Americans do not have the minimum required health insurance,
they will have to pay a fine. (There is contradicting information on the amount)

Individuals and employees will choose plans for themselves.

The government will not launch a new health insurance company that would compete
against private companies.

Not all employers will be required to offer health insurance to all workers. (Only
business with over 50 employees. Tax breaks for small businesses who do offer.)

Small business owners who want to offer their employees health insurance will be
granted tax credits. (Uncertain about amount)

Insurance companies will not be able to deny coverage based on age or medical condition.

Federal money cannot be used to pay for abortions, except in cases already allowed,
such as rape, incest, or endangerment of the mother's life.

Illegal immigrants still will not be able to purchase health insurance. (Apparently
there is a university in PA that is accepting illegals?)

There will be an estimated sixteen million new Medicaid recipients.

My teacher said that the debate over the bill is simply the embodiment of politics.
= lies on both sides.

As I continue reading more and more newspaper articles, I keep realizing how poorly
they tend to be worded. "Tax credits will be awarded to small business owners who
want to offer health insurance"? Really? All a small business owner has to do in order
to receive a tax credit is prove that they WANT to offer health insurance?

We then read an article titled, "For Consumers, Clarity on Health Care Changes,"
which my teacher failed to cite. It was written by Tara Siegel Bernard and published
March, 21, 2010, and I am certain that you can find it, if you so desire.

The last thing we did in class was imagine circumstances to see how the health care
reform bill will affect real people. You can participate here.
Again, TERRIBLE WORDING, media! Way to go!
A computer-generated database CANNOT tell a person "what the health bill means to
[them]."
"To mean to" refers to one's personal opinion. Media, I believe you meant "to mean
for," which refers to impact upon an individual.
What's EXTRA interesting is that the hyperlink says "mean-for," rather than "mean-to."

Ohhhhh my. Not only are you wrong, media, you're also inconsistent. Oh dear.

Annnnnnyway. Enough about politics. Back to political ideologies. What I originally
set out to say. Personally, I believe that Radicalism is alive and well in America,
even though it may not necessarily be reflected through workers' revolutions.

Radicalism = "redistribution of wealth"

That's all I hear anymore. Interesting that that's also a core value of Communism.
(Which is an economic system, not a political structure.)

What I REALLY want to say is that, until Social Welfare class last night and reflecting
upon it afterward, never before have I felt like such a true Independent. To be quite
honest, I like parts of each political ideology (Liberalism, Conservatism, Radicalism,
Libertarianism), but will have to discuss this more in-depth when I have my textbook.
And, while I am whole-heartedly proud to be registered as an Independent:Libertarian,
never before have I felt so unfairly stereotyped and pigeon-holed. This is an example
of how judgment is not okay. When judgment is applied without equity, when a certain
group is singled out and spoken about in a negative manner, when... this is when
judgment becomes discrimination. Stereotypes are dealt with differently, but discrimination
occurs when one specific group is singled out for negativity above the rest. Not only
do I appreciate certain values about each ideology, I also disagree with specific
goals or values of each ideology. This is the opposite of discrimination. Things are
viewed equally and the good is extracted from every perspective. Marx* may have missed
some things, but he provided perfectly sound (and moral!) sociological insight and it
is this good that I agree with and extract and add to my own perspective.

Never before have I felt so Independent.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*"Marx Missed Some Things," written during the Fall 2008 semester when I took
Introduction to Sociology with P.T. Collamer. Apparently, I've never posted this
reaction paper anywhere, so will put that on my list of things to post. It's a
winner. Also, remind me to email Collamer.

Stereotypes.

2010-03-22T08:42:00.000-07:00

I want to talk about stereotypes.

I feel like I've written about stereotypes a lot, but when I conducted a word search
for "stereotype," "label," and "judg," I did not find much.

I distinctly remember writing, at one point in time, something that somewhat condoned
stereotyping and labeling and (gasp!) judging, to some extent, to a small degree.

But all I found was this...

"Granted, his statements and implied opinions are true for the majority, but this
kind of blanket stereotype is insulting to the non-majority and is therefore unacceptable."

...from College# Overview.

and this...

"'A name's a name.' Yes, well, it's also a label. Your child, Mr. Campbell, is going
to grow up with the stigma of what Hitler did forever attached to him. And sociology
studies have shown us that, chances are, he will strive to live up to his label.
(Deviants are deviant, after all) I think it's fairly possible that this child will
have serious emotional damage. If other people can't get over it and accept it as
'just a name,' why should he be any different?"

...from I Bet You Money Nazis Had Birthday Cakes.

All in all, quite disappointing. I am certain I've written more.

Ohhhhh, I know what probably happened. Whatever I've written before was probably
contained within a comment replying to someone who commented on one of my posts when
they were on Facebook. They're still there, as are the comments, but itwill take a
significantly longer period of time to find what I'm looking for. :(

- I really like statuses and place a lot of weight on them. Probably too much, at times.
- Labels are super, super influential. While they are certainly not all bad, because
they have such power, they must be used with wise discretion.
- Stereotypes are fun! To an extent. When not applied in a blanket fashion. Blankets
are bad.

What's the word... when you make a broad conclusion and want to say that you realize
there are exceptions, etc. That you understand what you said sounds like a blanket
statement, but understand that's not how you meant it? Starts with an a? Allowance?
No... :( I don't know. It's kind of like exception, exemption, allowance, but none of
those are the word I'm thinking of...

Oh, during-college vocabulary, how you fail me so.

"Horney and Adler"

2010-03-19T12:34:00.000-07:00

As promised, my personality theory paper for Psychology of Personality class...

Carina Botterbusch
Dr. Randy Young
PSY 430
March 16, 2010

________________________Horney and Adler

______Neo-Fruedians are personality theorists who came after Sigmund Freud and adjusted his ideas in order to create their own theories. Neo-Freudian psychology agrees with Freudian psychology in that a person’s unconscious and childhood are important to personality development, but disagrees with Freud’s over-emphasis on infant sexuality and under-emphasis on the ego and interpersonal relationships. The main tenets of Neo-Freudian theory are that the ego is an important adaptational force; that mental representations and interpersonal relationships are crucial to the development of the sense of self; and that society, culture, and social skills greatly impact personality. Neo-Freudian psychologists include Carl Jung and Erik Erikson, as well as Karen Horney and Alfred Adler. In order to demonstrate Neo-Freudian ideas, I will be discussing the theories of Horney and Adler, drawing comparisons by applying them to my memories of preschool, homeschooling, and being called “sheltered,” and determining which theorist better explains my personality.
______Karen Horney’s theories revolve around the ideas that a person is driven by his or her basic needs for safety and satisfaction and that everyone experiences basic anxiety stemming from the childhood necessity of having to depend on others for these needs to be met, but wanting to be independent. In order to deal with this basic anxiety, Horney outlined three basic solution styles that involve the basic conflicts of moving toward, against, or away from people. The passive style avoids disagreement and confrontation so that others will not leave. The aggressive style focuses on competition and believes that perfection is more important than relationships. The withdrawn style moves away from people so that threats are not seen and pain is not felt. According to Horney, healthy individuals use all three styles according to unique circumstances, whereas neurotic people compulsively use one.
______Another important aspect of Horney’s theory is self-concept. In regards to how people view themselves, Horney identified three trends: the ideal self, and the despised self, and the real self. The ideal self focuses on perfection, but does not motivate successfully because its focus is impossible. The despised self focuses on inferiority and short-comings, which does not motivate because it is too discouraged. However, the real self is the healthy self-concept because it is able to recognize both strengths and weaknesses in order to see potential and have a realistic sense of motivation. According to Horney, the ultimate goal of personality development is to recognize the real self, which Horney referred to as achieving self-realization.
______Alfred Adler’s theory revolves around the ideas that personality is self-determined and based on the meaning given to experiences, that applied ability is more important than ability alone, and that motivation is based entirely on feelings of inferiority. Adler explains that feeling inferior can be an effective motivator for striving to attain perfection or a personal best. However, while inferiority is healthy to a degree, an exaggerated sense leads to an inferiority complex, which creates a very fragile high self-esteem. In order to overcome inferiority, Adler said a person utilizes fictional finalism, which is the act of finding motivation in the ultimate goal a person wants to achieve. According to Adler, the creative ways in which this final fiction is achieved are what lead to an individual’s unique personality. The other most important concept of Adler’s personality theory is the idea of social interest, which also aims to overcome inferiority by working with others to achieve competency and coherency.
______Adler outlined four different styles of life, which represent how individuality is expressed in any situation. The ruling style seeks to establish dominance and leadership, whether through active or passive methods. The getting style constantly leans on and follows others and tends to be very passive. The avoiding style tries not to deal with problems, usually resulting in a sense of superiority from never experiencing negative situations. The ruling, getting, and avoiding styles are misdirected, whereas the socially-useful style is healthy because it aims to benefit others through a high level of social interest. Adler believed that a person’s style of life was set fairly early in life, due to the parenting methods of a child’s parents, such as being encouraging, showing respect, not offering excessive sympathy, providing a routine, not giving too much attention, and showing the importance of cooperation. Throughout Adler’s theories, the most important aspect is social interest, which is treated as the sole criterion for the judgment of a person’s social worth.
______Some of my earliest and most treasured memories come from the two years I participated in a homeschool preschool program known as Joy School. During these third and fourth years of my life, I spent a significant amount of time with a group of about six other children. I consider these times of making stone soup, going fishing, making green eggs and ham, and setting goals to be some of the best memories of my entire life. A particular situation that stands out in my mind is when two of the girls in Joy School liked the same boy and constantly fought over him by competing with each other. This common interest was nearly detrimental to their friendship and I remember sobbing after Joy School one day because I had put myself in the middle of the situation to try and act as a mediator and was upset when I couldn’t fix the situation.
______Applying Horney’s theories to this memory, this experience somewhat fits the passive solution style because I tried to mediate the conflict so that the friendship between my two friends would not be broken. However, Horney’s passive solution style does not fully explain this situation because I was not avoiding the conflict, but rather was facing it directly so as to resolve it. Horney’s theory of self-concept is applicable to this memory because, at the time, I was more focused on my ideal self and the belief that I could resolve this conflict for my friends. Because I quickly noticed that I was incapable of resolving the situation on my own, this experience encouraged me to come closer to the self-realization that I cannot fix everyone, but can still make the effort because mediation can help to an extent.
______Adler would view this early memory in light of fictional finalism and say that this memory reflects my final fiction of wanting to be a youth counselor. It is relatively easy to see how this final fiction motivates most everything I do and Adler would explain that this is why this early memory is consistent with my goal of being a youth counselor. Because I view my life with an emphasis on interpersonal relationships, under Adler’s theories, it makes sense that this early memory carries the same emphasis. Adler would also reach a conclusion similar to Horney in that seeing my inferiority and inability to resolve the conflict between my two friends now provides a deep motivation to continue striving to be the counselor among my friends. This memory and my final fiction of being a youth counselor can also explain why I frequently find myself in a similar position of mediating and resolving conflict.
______Another thing that I consider to have been very influential in who I am now is the fact that I was homeschooled throughout my entire life, all the way to my high school graduation. My dad had a regular job, but I spent a significant amount of time with my mother and brother every day. Because of the integrated nature of homeschooling, school was not separated from my family life or my mom’s parenting style. My homeschooled life caused me to be very close with my family, particularly my mom, even to the point that I cried at summer day camp when I was ten because I was so unaccustomed to being away from her for any length of time. My homeschooled life also meant that my mom’s parenting style was present at all times since I was not out of the house for any schooling, aside from an occasional field trip and my high school years when I began taking more outside classes and started college courses through dual-enrollment.
______Horney advocated distant parenting in order to develop career-driven children because she believed that low self-esteem would inspire a person to focus on his or her career. However, I consider myself to be a fairly career-driven individual and consider myself to be very motivated to succeed in my academic and professional pursuits. Because of this, Horney would probably be confused as to how this could be because my parents were very loving and supportive, rather than distant. I did not experience distant parenting like Horney did, but instead saw how dedicated my parents are to my life based on the fact that they wanted to be so involved in my education. While Horney’s theories do not explain how my parents’ attached style of parenting led to my motivated personality, it makes sense to me because they demonstrated how important education is by taking an active role in mine and this value of the importance of education has since been transferred to me.
______Adler’s theories do a better job of explaining my parents’ influence on my personality through my education based on the parenting advice that stems from his perspective. Adler said that parents must give encouragement, not just punishment; must be firm, but not dominating; must show respect; must not engage in power struggles; must not offer excessive sympathy; must maintain routine; must emphasize cooperation; must not give too much attention; and must show concern through actions more than through words. Considering how my parents acted toward my brother and me, particularly in light of our homeschool education, I can see that they both demonstrated all of these principles that were laid out by Adler. I think that my parents were especially good about knowing the difference between giving attention and spoiling, as well as the difference between empathy and sympathy. Adler said that parenting style influences a person’s style of life. My homeschooled life makes sense according to Adler’s theory of parenting because, not only were my parents good parents, they were also especially present in my life due to my being homeschooled, which explains my high level of social interest and my socially-useful style of life.
______Something else that I consider to have had a profound impact on my life and how I view myself is how often I have been called “sheltered” and how it has reinforced my reputation of being “the good kid.” Because of my mom’s prominent position within the York Home School Association, I was always well-known throughout the homeschool community and experienced a fair amount of pressure to uphold the reputations of my mom and the homeschool group by upholding my own reputation. During my high school years, as I began to befriend more people outside of the homeschool community, my “good kid” reputation caused me to be considered as being “sheltered.” Sometimes this would happen passively, such as when one specific friend said something to the effect of, “Wow, you’re homeschooled? But you’re so talkative and friendly!” Other times it was more direct, such as the many times my friend from Harrisburg Area Community College explicitly referred to me as “sheltered.”
______These memories somewhat relate to Horney’s theory of self-concept in that I probably tended toward my ideal self throughout my younger years, although I have always been aware of the negative expectations and stereotypes that are applied to homeschoolers. However, as I began to interact with more and more non-homeschooled students, this ideal self had to be reconciled with the despised self that was placed on me through the stereotypical expectations most people have of homeschoolers. Although this despised self was not necessarily internalized by me, the fact that others placed these negative stereotypes on me affected the way I thought about myself and inspired the self-realization that there are negatives of being homeschooled, even if these negatives are primarily only perceived by others around me. This self-realization is important because I have since recognized that the negative stereotype of being a “sheltered homeschooler” may cause obstacles and, at the same time, I continue to recognize the deep benefits of having been homeschooled and the extra opportunities my homeschooled life has provided.
______These experiences with the stigmas that are attached to homeschooling also relate to the ideas of Adler. Although Adler’s theories in regards to these experiences are similar to the general concept of Horney’s ideas, Adler’s theories provide a more concrete conclusion because they deal more directly with feelings of inferiority that lead to motivation. Adler’s views of inferiority are particularly interesting when applied to my experiences of being called a “sheltered homeschooler” because I never felt inferior as a homeschooler, even if I had been somewhat sheltered. However, others frequently viewed or treated me as inferior and these experiences caused me to be motivated to dedicate my efforts to becoming more educated and aware. Even though I have never considered myself to be inferior simply because I was homeschooled, the attitudes I have received from others have served as motivating compliments and have had the result that Adler would expect to stem from feelings of inferiority.
______The theories of Horney and Adler are very similar because they overall attitude of their ideas is largely the same. Horney focused on feelings of anxiety from being dependent and Adler focused on feelings of inferiority from being weak, but their conclusions are very similar because they both talk about motivation and striving to be a better person, whether this means being more independent and strong or being more involved and useful. Both Horney and Adler do a good job of explaining my Joy School experience of acting as a mediator between two of my friends, whether because of the self-realization that I cannot fix everyone or because of the inferiority I felt as the mediator, which motivates me to be a better counselor to my friends. However, Horney falls short because the passive solution style does not explain the fact that I was directly trying to resolve the conflict. Adler also does a better job with this memory because his theory of fictional finalism directly relates it my primary life goal of being a youth counselor. Adler also better explains my homeschooling experiences because my parents reflect his advice for good parenting and Horney’s theory of distant parenting cannot explain my value of education and career goals. Finally, although the theories of Horney and Adler are similar in regards to my experiences of being called “sheltered,” Adler’s theories are slightly more applicable because his terminology is more accurate to these situations. Although there are important similarities between these two theorists when talking about my memories of Joy School, homeschooling, and being called “sheltered,” Adler ultimately does a better job of explaining who I am today.

Post-Script: Attachment Styles (Ambivalent, Avoidant, and Secure)
______The way a child attaches to his or her mother impacts how he or she will attach to others later in life. This attachment is based on love and physical contact and has three functions: to provide a secure base, to provide a safe haven, and to serve as a proximity monitor. Attachment style is based on how well these three functions are met and what happens when the primary caregiver momentarily leaves. The ambivalent style develops because of an inconsistent mother and results in a person who always experiences separation anxiety and fear of others leaving. The avoidant style develops because of a neglectful or rejecting mother and results in a person who fears emotional attachment and tries to keep his or her distance from others. The secure style develops because of an affectionate and responsive mother and results in a person who is cooperative and obedient and has more friendships of a higher quality.
______I believe that my attachment style is secure because I have always had a good relationship with my mom. Throughout my life, and even to this day, she has always been very affectionate and responsive. When I am home from school, she will occasionally tuck me in for bed and, although it may sound silly, it demonstrates that she is reliable. It also illustrates my secure attachment because, while I enjoy the time I spend with my mom before bed, I am perfectly fine if she doesn’t tuck me in or cannot because I am at school. I also believe that I am securely attached because of the fact that I was homeschooled, which allowed me to spend a great deal of time with her each day. While I was probably too securely attached at one time when I was younger, which was evident in my shyness or homesickness, I have since found a good balance of security which enables me to live at school without being debilitated by being separated from my mom. My secure attachment style is also reflected within my friendships, which I have recently become more aware of as I began to realize how much of a social person I am. While I may be insecure at times, I am not incapacitated by the fear of others leaving me or getting to close to me, which shows that my secure attachment to my mom has allowed me to securely attach to others.

____________________________________________________________________________________

"Balancing the Individual and the Community"

2010-03-18T14:36:00.000-07:00

I realize I never posted my Freudian Floyd paper. Perhaps someday. I'm really
just not a fan of Freud. At all. However, my paper about Adler? Winner. Even if
it is biased. Anyway.

My second Birth and Death main reflection paper.

I'm having trouble spelling "individual."

___________________________________Balancing the Individual and the Community
___________________________________Reflection Paper #2

___________________________________Carina Botterbusch
___________________________________Sociology 317
___________________________________Dr. Hayes
___________________________________March 14, 2010

_____Studying different cultural views of and reactions to death not only expands awareness, but also allows our own death culture to be understood in a broader context. By developing a cross-cultural perspective, American death culture can be viewed in a global context and comparisons can be made so that the American perspective of death can be understood, challenged, and improved. Differences and similarities are made apparent by studying various cultures and thoughtfully recognizing these differences and similarities makes it possible to see the strengths and flaws of the American perspective of death.
_____When developing a cross-cultural perspective of death, general categories of customs and rituals arise, including the setting of a death, the planning of a ceremony, the ceremony itself, the grieving ritual, and the process of coping and moving on after a death occurs. A cross-cultural comparison of these five general categories shows that American culture has a much more individualistic attitude. Individualism is considered to be one of the American core values and it is especially visible in regards to the American perspective of death within any of the five general categories of death culture.
_____The setting in which a death occurs essentially can be anywhere. Because of the medicalized nature of American society, American deaths tend to occur within hospitals. This is different from other cultures, which place an emphasis on the importance of being at home to die. Ann Crawford, quoted by Ken and Nga Truitner (1993), explains that it is very important in Vietnam to die at home, rather than at a hospital (p. 131). Truitner (1993) says that this belief is also important in the Buddhist culture because a death is believed to be better if it occurs within familiar surroundings (p. 131). The Hmong culture also shares this value and Bruce Thowpauo Bliatout (1993) explains that a person is not allowed to die at another person’s house (p.84). These customs of having death occur at home reflect the belief that familiar surroundings can increase the peace of an individual while he or she is dying.
_____However, in America, deaths usually occur in unfamiliar hospitals and people usually die alone. Within Buddhist culture, it is important that a person be surrounded by close family to put his or her mind at ease (Truitner, 1993, p. 130). This is important so that the stress of death can be lessened by having the opportunity to focus on relationships. Through this cross-cultural perspective of the setting of death, it is clear to see that death settings in America tend to be secluded and individualistic. While individualism can be healthy to an extent, studying the Vietnamese, Buddhist, and Hmong cultures provides an understanding of the mental and emotional benefits of dying within a familiar setting and among close family.
_____There are also cultural differences visible in how death is prepared for and how funeral ceremonies are planned. In some cultures, the individual does not plan his or her own funeral. For example, within Jewish tradition, close relatives are excused from religious rituals “so that they may attend to the funeral arrangements” (Cytron, 1993, p. 118). Muslims also do not plan funerals in advance, but planning differs from Jewish tradition because, within Islam, close relatives do not help plan because they are the most emotionally affected by the death (Gilanshah, 1993, p.142).
_____These perspectives differ from the American culture, which again reflects individualism by writing wills and planning funerals in advance. Rather than placing the responsibility of funeral planning in the hands of a person’s family or community, within American culture, most funeral preparations are made by the individual far in advance of death. While neither of these methods seem detrimental to a person’s emotional health of dealing with death, a cross-cultural perspective can be beneficial in achieving a sense of balance in regards to how funerals are prepared for and planned.
_____Next comes the ceremony, which is where the most diverse cultural differences can be found. However, even though there are vast differences between the details of funeral ceremonies, such as the body, offerings, and the speaker and leader, the focus and purpose of funeral ceremonies are largely the same across cultures. For example, within the Hmong culture, proper burial and remembrance of the deceased is essential to protect the family (Bliatout, 1993, p. 83). Many other cultures use the funeral to return the family and community to emotional health. Some cultures are more individualistic in the purpose of funerals, such as the Buddhist religion, where funeral ceremonies are performed for the benefit of the community, as well as for assuring a good rebirth (Truitner, 1993, p. 130).
_____The funeral ceremonies of the American culture are even more individualistic. Because of the preplanning that almost always goes into an American funeral, the ceremony of a person tends to be very unique and personalized. Although there is now even greater diversity because of the desire to be eco-friendly, the traditional American funeral illustrates the expected norm of having a personalized ceremony to reflect the personality of the individual. Jessica Mitford (1978) takes this one step further and argues that the American funeral has become a status symbol and a means of leaving a lasting legacy (p. 164). While status symbols can be good to a degree, a cross-cultural comparison is crucial to not allowing our individualistic mindset to distract us from the equally important purpose of comforting the community.
_____The cultural attitude toward death and death rituals can best be seen in how the grieving process is acted out. A cross-cultural perspective of grief after death shows more commonalities than differences and illustrates a general concern for the well-being of the larger community. This is visible with the Jewish culture, as explained by Cytron (1993): “…as individuals share their grief with one another [they are] in the comfort of, and sustained by, their religious community” (p. 121). Re-establishing solidarity by focusing on the community is also evident in the openness of many cultures about grief over death. For example, Buddhists outwardly portray their grief and offer comforting words to the close family of the deceased (Truitner, 1993, p. 133). Similarly, Martin Brokenleg and David Middleton (1993) illustrate that Native Americans express grief balanced with acceptance, rather than denial and anger (p. 108). A cross-cultural perspective shows that grief affects the community both as a whole and as a group of individuals.
_____While American customs of grieving over death also focus on the community as a whole, there again is a more individualistic focus. Mitford (1978) says the funeral business has exploited this attitude by selling funerals based on the myth that seeing an ideal picture of the deceased is essential to the grieving process (p. 165). However, when compared to other cultures, such as the Native Americans who express grief coupled with acceptance, one can see that this desire for the “ideal picture” functions as a type of denial, which is not helpful. From personal experience, I have also seen how the American process of grieving is very individualistic. The American grieving process tends to focus on a number of individuals, rather than a group that is viewed as a community; evident in how mourners are comforted by being asked how they are doing, rather than about the family or community. Likewise, people say, “Let me know if you need anything,” to comfort mourners, rather than expressing concern for the larger group that has been affected. Although this concern for individual comfort can re-establish the solidarity of a group by focusing on the well-being of others, a cross-cultural perspective is important to have so that the family, group, or community is not overlooked due to this individualistic attitude.
_____Finally, cultural differences exist in how people cope with a death and ultimately move on. Many cultures continue to hold memorials and mourn until one year has passed. Many cultures also utilize prayer as a way to cope, such as Lakota Indians who pray for their own personal comfort (Brokenleg & Middleton, 1993, p. 110). Anne S. Straus (2005) explains that the Northern Cheyenne Indians also pray, but for the different purpose of asking for the soul to return home (p. 75). Straus (2005) also says that they are coping with the emotional impact in a communal way; not from fear of their deaths, but from fear of the isolation that follows when loved ones die (p. 76). This reason for fearing death is very different from the American fear of death, which is motivated by the individualistic attitude of “I don’t want to die.”
_____The actions that make up the process of moving on after a death also differ across cultures. Because of the individualism of American culture, there are typically no steps that need to be taken once the funeral rituals have ended. Although the will still needs to be carried out, there are usually no decisions that the family needs to make because of the plan that is laid out in the will. Other cultures have a more communal attitude, such as the Lakota Indians who distribute possessions after a person dies (Brokenleg & Middleton, 1993, p. 110). Although I am not certain of the of the emotional affects of being actively involved in this process, it seems like it may help people cope more than the American custom of allowing a lawyer to do all the work. A cross-cultural perspective of the methods of coping shows that American culture may be too focused on the individual, which means we may be likely to overlook the needs of the whole community.
_____Developing a cross-cultural perspective of attitudes toward and rituals surrounding death shows that both differences and similarities exist between cultural traditions. This broad view allows American traditions to be examined so that they may be improved. Across the general categories of the setting of a death, the planning of a ceremony, the ceremony itself, the grieving ritual, and the process of coping and moving on after a death occurs, it can be seen that the American culture is much more individualistic, sometimes to the point of secluding an individual and neglecting the larger community. Individualism is certainly not completely bad, but it can be when it is taken to an extreme. This is why it is important to develop a cross-cultural perspective so that American funeral customs can be challenged and a balance between the individual and the community can be achieved.

___________________________________References
Bliatout, Bruce Thowpauo. (1993). Hmong death customs: Traditional and acculturated.
_____In Donald P. Irish (Ed.), Ethnic variations in dying, death, and grief (pp.
_____79-99). Routledge.
Brokenleg, Martin & Middleton, David. (1993). Native Americans: Adapting, yet
_____retaining. In Donald P. Irish (Ed.), Ethnic variations in dying, death, and
_____grief (pp. 101-111). Routledge.
Cytron, Barry D. (1993). To honor the dead and comfort the mourners: Traditions in
_____Judaism. In Donald P. Irish (Ed.), Ethnic variations in dying, death, and grief
_____(pp.113-123). Routledge.
Gilanshah, Farah. (1993). Islamic customs regarding death. In Donald P. Irish (Ed.),
_____Ethnic variations in dying, death, and grief (pp. 137-144). Routledge.
Mitford, Jessica. (1978). The American way of death. (pp. 163-167).
Straus, Anne S. (2005). The meaning of death in Northern Cheyenne culture. In
_____Antonius C. G. M. Robben (Ed.), Death, mourning, and burial (pp. 71-76).
_____Wiley-Blackwell.
Truitner, Ken and Nga. (1993). Death and dying in Buddhism. In Donald P. Irish
_____(Ed.), Ethnic variations in dying, death, and grief (pp. 125-135). Routledge.

Stress

2010-03-17T17:34:00.000-07:00

I seem like an easily-stressed individual. Am I?

I've been reflecting on this recently and my theory is that my occasional
panic attacks are less about me being easily-stressed and more about my
average stress tolerance being lower than the average person.

In regards to school, anyway. So far.

[[]] Addendum: I worded that poorly. My occasional panic attacks are less
about me being easily-stressed and more about my average "stress" level
being higher than the average person. See, it's not so much about tolerance
as it is about how much more seriously I take things than the average person,
which causes a higher average level of "stress" in my life. I am placing
stress in quotation marks because, to me, this average (my normal) level of
"stress" isn't really stress. It's just an increased seriousness about life.
In regards to school, this increased seriousness is what makes me appear to
be easily-stressed. Oh, so many words for such a simple concept! I wish I
could draw a diagram here! [[]]

I had this epiphany while I was sitting in Qualitative class on Monday, very
close to having a panic attack in the middle of class. My panic attacks start
with a tingly feeling, which leads to shaking. After that comes shallow breathing
and, at the very worst, a full-fledged sob session. :)

(I wholeheartedly believe that the occasional panic is okay and that it's not
detrimental to my emotional health. Rather, it is quite the opposite. Every once
in a while, I allow myself to experience a panic attack so that I can release the
stress that has built up inside of me in order to move on and focus on what needs
to be done (usually some kind of schoolwork).)

So, I was sitting in Qualitative class on Monday, very close to having a panic
attack. Why? I have handled the course well so far, acing every assignment to the
fullest definition of "acing." Why was I panicking about our next assignment?

My school-related panic attacks stem from the fact that I am more committed, more
dedicated, and more interested in school than the average student.

I like school.

I like to learn.

Because of this, school is important to me.

(Hm. I wrote about how my homeschooled life illustrated the importance my parents
place on education and this value was consequently instilled in me. Homeschooling
made school important to me. And school being important to me has made me more
concerned with school than the average student.)

I take school more seriously than the average student.

This is the root of the problem. Problem, not so much, but this is the root.

Because I take school more seriously than the average student, when a teacher
fear-mongers and insists that the students take the class/assignment/project
very seriously, I take this advice to heart.

But the problem is that, with my above average level of school-seriousness, when
I take a teacher's serious fear-mongering to heart, my commitment to school becomes
too high above average.

This is when stress ensues and a panic attack is likely to occur.

I wonder if and how anything will change, now having realized this. Hm.

Hm. Hm hm hm. Hm hm hmhmhm. :)

The Hardest Part; Altruism and Catharsis

2010-02-27T19:34:00.001-08:00

Number one hundred!

This is a double post.
The Hardest Part.
Altruism and Catharsis.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Hardest Part.

:: The Hardest Part - Coldplay ::
And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it's just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Although I have owned my Coldplay partial anthology piano book since I
went to Colony Music, Inc., in NYC...in 2007(?), I have never completely
understood or been able to relate to this song until just this past summer.

What I feel this song means actually relates a lot to the upcoming topic
of altruism.

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

Essentially, I'm not sure what the whole song is about. I'm not certain
what Chris Martin was trying to say. However, this stanza really hit me
when I was listening to this song last July.

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

Sometimes, there are times when you must let go of a certain situation, feeling,
or hope for the benefit of the other person involved.

Sometimes, even though it pains you so, there are times when you must
sacrifice a piece of your peace to ease the suffering of the other person.

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

Sometimes... as much as you desire closure more than anything, as much as you
just want a simple explanation, a simple reason... there are times when you do
not know what the other person is going through. Perhaps they are hurting even
more than you. Perhaps it will hurt them even more if you were to ask them one
more time for an explanation, a reason. Perhaps you having closure would hurt
them too much to even make it worth it for you to have that peace.

Cost:Benefit.

Sometimes it is more beneficial to let the person go and allow them to heal in
their own way, rather than keep digging at the wound simply to find healing for
yourself.

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Altruism and Catharsis.

In an effort to rebuild my vocabulary (which always wanes during school because
I am reading less and communicating within a narrow concentration and using a
very strict vocabulary (so much for Liberal Arts?)), I have been finding words
I want to add and, in order to remind myself of them, have kept them written
on my hand for a day or two.

The two words that have arisen repeatedly among my classes over the past two
weeks are altruism and catharsis.

Altruism.

al·tru·ism
/ˈæltruˌɪzəm/[al-troo-iz-uhm]
–noun
1. the principle or practice of unselfish concern for or devotion to the welfare
of others (opposed to egoism).
2. Animal Behavior. behavior by an animal that may be to its disadvantage but
that benefits others of its kind, as a warning cry that reveals the location of
the caller to a predator.

Origin:
1850–55; < F altruisme, equiv. to autru(i) others (< VL *alterui, obl. form of L
alter other (> F autre), with -ui from cui to whom; -l- restored from L alter) +
-isme -ism; popularized through trans. of A. Comte, who perh. coined it, on the
model of égoisme egoism

Related Words:
selflessness

In a moment of frustration, I've essentially forgotten what I wanted to say about
altruism. My apologies. Perhaps some other day.

Catharsis.

ca·thar·sis
/kəˈθɑrsɪs/[kuh-thahr-sis]
–noun,plural-ses/-siz/[-seez]
1. the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, esp. through
certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music.
2. Medicine/Medical. purgation.
3. Psychiatry.
a. psychotherapy that encourages or permits the discharge of pent-up, socially
unacceptable affects.
b. discharge of pent-up emotions so as to result in the alleviation of symptoms
or the permanent relief of the condition.

Origin:
1795–1805; < NL < Gk kátharsis a cleansing, equiv. to kathar- (var. s. of
kathaírein to cleanse, deriv. of katharós pure) + -sis -sis

Related Words:
abreaction, katharsis, purgation

Catharsis is something I do pretty much every day. If I'm not talking to a friend,
I'm writing in my journal. If I'm not writing in my journal, I'm blogging. If I'm
not blogging, I'm talking to a friend or writing in my journal.

Catharsis through written word (and spoken release) is something I wholeheartedly
condone. Catharsis is probably my number three value after Sanctified Compassion
and Balance & Moderation.

This is what I always meant when I used to say that everyone can use a bit of
therapy. Not drug therapy, not psychoanalytic therapy, not psychiatric therapy...
but simply having the opportunity of genuinely being listened to... simply having
the opportunity to speak to release.

This is what I mean when I say I want to be a youth counselor.

I want to be a catalyst of catharsis. Hello, occupation title.

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Lots to Say. :/

2010-02-19T11:09:00.000-08:00

First of all, I really need to write in my journal. Some things about college
seem to be different this semester. So, that is what I plan to do this weekend,
in addition to laundry and editing my allotted sections of the IRB application
for Qual. Huzzah for not too much homework! Last weekend was ridiculous.

Basketball game tonight! And tomorrow! :D Yaaaaay, pep band!

I will discuss superficiality later. There are other things to say.

On Monday, in Psychology of Personality class, we talked about love. Dr. Young
desperately tried to put love in a box. Specifically, we discussed how people
always say "My significant other completes me." What exactly does this entail?

Were you not a whole person before being significant with this significant other?

I propose that people use the word "complete" quite loosely. More loosely than
I am comfortable with. (Whoa, awkward sentence...there's really no good way to
say that.)

To complete SHOULD mean that the thing completed was previously incomplete. Not whole.

However, that is not how people function. "Complete" is almost irrelevant in terms
of talking about people, personality, relationships, etc.

Um.

Human completeness is somewhat negated in the Bible. You know, where it talks
about how we will be filled and overflowing, never full? Yeah. Completeness doesn't
really matter, then? Perhaps. I think so, probably.

So, completeness isn't even important.

I feel like this is entirely incoherent. My apologies.

In my observation, I have seen what people mean when they talk about a relationship
completing them. But, to me, this is not completion. Completion is too harsh of a
word. Instead, what is really happening is betterment.

Not completion, betterment. The betterment of an individual by seeing how he or she
is reflected by the significant other. Yup.

We also discussed the theory of "opposites attract," but that studies show that
people tend to be attracted to people who are similar in interests, beliefs, and
values. However, perhaps opposites of personality attract because the two people
balance each other out.

First of all, obviously you're going to tend toward people with similar interests,
beliefs, and values. You're certainly not going to tend toward the probability of
frequent conflict.

Secondly, my opinions of opposite personalities are not concrete enough and far too
complicated to even try to explain. Bottom line, though... balance.

So, in other news! Empowerment!

Empowerment is my new favorite life value, following selfless compassion and
balance&moderation. Empowerment is the core value of the ideal system of social
welfare and the ideal profession of social work.

Empowerment protects counselors from becoming enablers, protects the counseled
from becoming dependent. No handouts, no undeserved charity. Mutual effort in
working to learn how to access resources and make changes to improve situations
and environments and, consequently, satisfaction/happiness.

(On a side note, there's a part of me that doesn't think happiness is so important.
But that's something I need to write about in my journal. lol. Now that you're all
intrigued.)

Empowerment, empowerment, empowerment.

There is a second side to the concept of empowerment. The counselor will feel he
or she is not being listened to and is largely unimportant and useless is the
counseled does not reflect being empowered.

While it is the responsibility of the counselor to first empower the counseled, the
counseled have the responsibility to respond.

Responsibility. Respond. Yay, words!

Essentially, if (after the counseled has had time to be empowered by the counselor)
the counselor feels that the counseled has not responded and is not making the
effort to make changes for improvement, the counselor will be discouraged and
therefore less inclined to counsel the counseled.

I don't want to hear your complaining if you're not taking any action to make it better.

This ties back into the concept of not being allowed to complain. Complaining is
only truly justified when the catalyst of unhappiness is beyond one's control.
Otherwise, if you're not happy, CHANGE IT. Or instigate the necessary strategies
in order to change it. If it IS genuinely beyond your control, you can vent, I
understand venting is often necessary for emotional release, but get over it.

I will not let you wallow.

You must understand that complaining and venting are very much different. Venting
is a kind of complaining that is more acceptable because it is done with the
attitude of, "I need to vent so I feel better, so this distress is no longer
bottled inside of me." Venting is further acceptable because it is combined with
efforts to change whatever needs to be changed in order to remove the source of
distress.

Whew. That was a lot of words.

But see? I vented. I feel better. The distress is no longer bottle up inside of me.
Will I take action in order to change the source of distress? Perhaps, maybe, if
the issue arises again. Otherwise, probably not.

You can't change others.

You can't change others.

You can only help them see, help them realize.

You can't change others.

Empowerment.

That is all for now. It is nice outside. I am going to drive to Wal-Mart, with my
windows down and music up. Time for some me time. I'm going to take my time. No, I'm
going to drive fast and maybe drive further than I need to drive. Out.

"Dying a Prolonged Death"

2010-02-18T07:18:00.000-08:00

Below is my first main paper for my Sociology of Birth and Death class.
"Medicalize" (and all forms of it) IS a word, Word! And Firefox!

Next post will be my first main paper for my Psychology of Personality class.
About Freudian thought and psychoanalytic theory in regards to Pink Floyd's The Wall.

I'm really not a fan of Freud. He kind of makes me uncomfortable. Haha.

___________________________________Dying a Prolonged Death
___________________________________Reflection Paper #1

___________________________________Carina Botterbusch
___________________________________Sociology 317
___________________________________Dr. Hayes
___________________________________February 13, 2010

_____There are many different ways to deal with death, such as focusing on funeral rites and customs, striving for symbolic immortality, or ignoring the reality of death. The modern American view of death is particularly interesting because, due to medical technology, death has now become medicalized. Modern medical technology is able to send cancer into remission, ease pain to a degree, and prolong life for a time. However, these advances are not without consequence. I believe that such technology is not having a positive impact on the American view of death. Modern medical technology tries to prevent death, but all it can do is simply postpone it for a short time. Modern medicine may be able to prolong life, but at the same time, it is also prolonging illness, as well as the process of dying. Although acceptance is necessary for an emotionally healthy death, the medicalization and sterilization of death is ultimately a form of denial, which makes us even more afraid to die.
_____In order for an individual to be at ease with his own death, one must accept the inevitability of it. Likewise, in order for an individual’s family, friends, and community to be at ease with the individual’s death, they must also do the same. Avery D. Weisman (1993) explains that acceptance is one of four crucial characteristics that must be present in order for a death to be “befitting and appropriate” (p. 14). The importance of the acceptance of death is also highlighted by Bronislaw Malinowski (2005), who studied how numerous cultures accept death and maintain group solidarity by immersing themselves in funeral rites and customs. This demonstrated acceptance of death serves to unite those that are still alive and assure the survival of their cultural traditions (p. 21). Through these two articles, it is clear to see that denial does not make death easier and that acceptance is a much healthier approach to death. However, the modern medical technology of America has medicalized death which has ultimately sterilized death and surrounded it with an attitude of denial, rather than acceptance.
_____Modern society now has the medical technology to focus on preventing death, which is discussed by Margaret Lock (2005), who says that technology should exist for the good of people (p. 92). Although modern medical technology appears to be a good thing and is thought by most people to be such, in regards to the medicalization of death, I believe the medically-centered American philosophy is doing more harm than good. Focusing on the prevention of death is essentially a kind of denial, but instead we are made even more aware of the inevitability of death. As we try to control death, we are constantly reminded that we cannot. Philippe Aries (2005) discusses the current view of death, which he believes is “the invisible death,” where death is medicalized, which leads to feelings of shame, rather than fear (p. 46). While there is probably some shame of death from feeling hidden by the hospital walls, the hospital curtains, the funeral home, and the coffin lid; the fear of death remains in the invisible death. In order to hide something, one must be aware of it and, in order to keep it hidden, one must constantly remember to do so. The medicalization of death has not made it invisible; rather, its threat is ever present in our minds.
_____Part of the medical system is sterilization, with white walls, white beds, white sheets, and white uniforms. This world of white of the hospital is where most deaths occur and, because of the sterile and unfeeling environment of the hospital, death is likewise sterilized and removed from emotion. This removal from emotion is described by Geoffrey Gorer (1965) as “the pornography of death” (p. 18). Because of this sterilization due to the medicalization of death, grief and mourning are removed from death and replaced by uncertainty and fear because of how hidden and sterile death has become. Death is hidden and we no longer know what to expect.
_____The medicalized view of death and the sterilized hospital environments in which death occurs ultimately create denial in regards to the reality and inevitability of death. This fact is illustrated by how people in death-related professions refused to describe a personification of death for Robert Kastenbaum’s (1992) article (p. 12). Although the article does not discuss this occurrence in-depth, this refusal to personify death is probably because hospital workers, funeral directors, emergency responders, and other people in death-related careers must place themselves in a state of denial so that their emotional health is not severely impacted by being constantly surrounded by death. Death is everywhere in hospitals and the employees are surrounded by it every day. Likewise, so are the patients who are receiving life-prolonging treatments and this means that they are also likely to develop this same sense of denial.
_____Ernest Becker (2005) explains that the fear of death tends to be repressed because people simply do not want to think about it: “He knows that he will die some day, but he does not really care…The affect of fear is repressed” (p. 26). However, this repression of fear is not completely healthy for a person’s emotional state because repression is very similar to denial. In order to repress a feeling, one must first be aware of it and, in order to keep it repressed, one must constantly remember to do so. The effects of repression and denial are actually the reverse of what is expected. Furthermore, although people try to avoid thinking about death until they absolutely must, in a hospital setting, patients are constantly reminded of death and any efforts to repress or deny fear are pointless.
_____Robert Jay Lifton and Eric Olson (2005) discuss how people dissuade the fear of death by trying to attain some kind of symbolic immortality, whether biological, creative, theological, natural, or experiential (pp. 34-36). The medicalization of death tries to achieve a different kind of immortality through ignoring death by trying to prevent it and prolong life in every way possible. Lock (2005) also mentions the idea of immortality in her article and explains that immortality is not simply attained, it is instead the “defiance and denial of death” (p. 94). The modern medical system of America wants to believe that it can achieve immortality, but every attempt simply serves as a reminder that immortality cannot be achieved. Instead of achieving a sense of immortality and defying and denying death, the medicalization of death is constant proof that we can neither defy nor deny death, which makes death even more of an intimidating threat of which we are afraid.
_____The constant attempt to achieve an attitude of denial through the medicalization of death can be contrasted to the death rituals and customs of cultures without such an intricate and overarching system of modern medical technology. One example of this is the Vaqueiros, discussed in Maria Catedra’s (2005) article. The Vaqueiros consider there to be three types of death: the Good Death, the Bad Death, and the Tragic Death, which are characterized by a peaceful sleep, prolonged illness and suffering, and a sudden accident, respectively (p. 77). The Vaqueiros dread a long period of pain and suffering so much that they would prefer to die a tragic death (p. 79). Furthermore, when there is no hope of recovery from sickness and suffering is too great to wait for death to come, the Vaqueiros view suicide as an acceptable and logical solution (p. 84). In considering cultures like that of the Vaqueiros, it would be interesting to know what they think of how American medicalized culture views death. The Vaqueiros are very open about talking about death, but the American medical system does not allow for an open discussion.
_____The American medical system hides sickness and death behind the hospital walls, which keep us from knowing exactly what to expect. Many people believe they know what to expect, only to realize they do not when they enter the hospital environment. Two examples of this happening have occurred within my family. The first is one of my grandmothers, who died before I was born. She went into the hospital for abdominal pain and was diagnosed with cancer. This was in the 1970’s, so cancer treatments such as chemotherapy were relatively new and untested. She began receiving chemotherapy treatments, which reduced her strength to the point where she spent her days lying on the couch. Her treatments continued for two years, until she and her husband began to realize that the doctors did not know exactly what they were doing and that they were essentially treating her as their guinea pig. She and her husband realized that the seemingly infallible and trustworthy doctors were not as infallible as they liked to appear. Another example is my other grandmother, who had been a nurse all of her life and placed a great deal of trust in the American medical system. A few years ago, she was diagnosed with skin cancer and sincerely believed that she could go to the hospital, have a minor operation, and be cured immediately. However, the medical system was again shown as faulty. She went to the hospital expecting to be fine the next day, but she never left. Instead, she remained in the hospital and steadily declined until she died. American society places a great deal of trust in its medical system, which has created a kind of secrecy about what death entails, therefore increasing fear of death, rather than reducing it.
_____Modern medical technology may have the ability to send cancer into remission, ease pain to a degree, or even prolong life for a time, but these advances are certainly not without consequences. By prolonging life, sickness and pain, as well as the dying process are also prolonged. In addition, the medicalization of death that set out to deny death by controlling it has instead made us more afraid. This medicalization is a form of denial, it is false hope, but it does not work. Death cannot be stopped by medicine. The medical system tries to prevent, postpone, or even stop death and we feel like we should be more in control. However, we simply end up reminding ourselves that we are not in control and it is this constant realization of the inevitability of death that makes us most afraid.

______________________________References
Aries, Philippe. (2005). The hour of our death. In Antonius C. G. M. Robben (Ed.), Death,
_____mourning, and burial (pp. 40-48). Wiley-Blackwell.
Becker, Ernest. (2005). The terror of death. In Antonius C. G. M. Robben (Ed.), Death,
_____mourning, and burial (pp. 23-31). Wiley-Blackwell.
Catedra, Maria. (2005). Kinds of death and the house. In Antonius C. G. M. Robben (Ed.),
_____Death, mourning, and burial (pp. 77-89). Wiley-Blackwell.
Gorer, Geoffrey. (1965). The pornography of death. Death, grief, and mourning (pp. 18-22).
_____Harold Ober Associates Incorporated.
Kastenbaum, Robert. (1992). The personification of death. The psychology of death (pp. 9-13).
_____New York: Spring Publishing Company.
Lifton, Robert Jay & Olson, Eric. (2005). Symbolic immortality. In Antonius C. G. M. Robben
_____(Ed.), Death, mourning, and burial (pp. 32-39). Wiley-Blackwell.
Lock, Margaret. (2005). Displacing suffering: The reconstruction of death in North America and
_____Japan. In Antonius C. G. M. Robben (Ed.), Death, mourning, and burial (pp. 91-107).
_____Wiley-Blackwell.
Malinowski, Bronislaw. (2005). Magic, science and religion. In Antonius C. G. M. Robben
_____(Ed.), Death, mourning, and burial (pp. 19-22). Wiley-Blackwell.
Weisman, Avery D. (1993). A befitting and appropriate death. The vulnerable self (pp. 14-17).
_____Plenum Publishing Corporation.