Saturday, October 22, 2011

Cake & Unicorns, Revisited (and School!)


My apologies in advance if this post takes a turn toward depression and cynicism.

Cake & Unicorns, Revisited.

In a previous post, I explained that relationships have a learning curve and that
they are not all cake and unicorns. I suppose I feel this way because, to date, I
have not had a cake and unicorns relationship. And I also feel that a fairly large
part of me would feel naive to gain so much satisfaction from a cake and unicorns
relationship because, to me, cake and unicorns equals superficiality.

And I have had no experience to tell me otherwise, to show me that there is a type
of cake and unicorns that does not equal superficiality, that is not shallow.

First, we were thirteen. That wasn't real.

Then, we were good friends, but his past blocked him from feeling anything real and
I was too impatient to put up with his insecurities.

Then, it worked well, but just didn't go anywhere. We hit a mutual wall.

Then, we just liked to hang out and both understood and agreed there was nothing
long-term and never would be.

And, just now, I am still too temporally close to the experience to put it in words
so sufficiently. Sufficiently. Suffice. Cool.

However, just now, I can say that I feel naive because I made myself believe it was
cake and unicorns (sufficiently) when it definitely was not. He was good at playing
to this.

After the first then, my best friend and I discussed how I did not want to create
a criteria list for future relationships because a relationship cannot be reduced
to a formula of criteria. However, I now know that it is necessary to have a general
idea of what is required and what is desired. Right? This is how we broke it down,
right? Absolutes and preferences? Well, I now have an absolute, among others obvious
to those who are privy to the situation. My absolute? LET ME HAVE MY FRIENDS.

So, cake and unicorns, where do we stand? Not sure.

But let me just say that my greatest fear is that I will remain too damaged for the
future. Or that I will remain too damaged and will thus attract (and settle for) a
similarly damaged man. I also fear that I have been so instilled with a sense of
cynicism that I will forever feel that no future man will meet my expectations.

Exceed, exceed.

As for cake and unicorns? Maybe cake and unicorns don't have to be naive. Maybe
there is the possibility of a relationship so real that it is cake and unicorns
without a naivete. And my hurt heart screams, "No, no, no! That's how you got to
be where you are now! Eliminate all naivete! Be cynical forever!"

And I say, I am rejecting both naivete and cynicism and saying that these things
are unimportant to me right now and that all such things are out of my hands.

I am rejecting both naivete and cynicism in exchange for passivity.

(and School!)

Thanks to the above circumstances, my Senior year has just now started. Also, let me
just say that I am thankful for my small campus because it allows me to have to
explain to less people because most people already know.

Biological Psychology
Bio Psych is probably one of the most difficult courses I've taken, simply because
it is so unrelated to anything I've studied previously. And it's hard work. And it
is the only course during my entire college career (this is technically my fifth
year, I just started during eleventh grade) in which I have gotten a non-A grade.
I actually got a C, you guys! I am more amused than anything. But a C assignment
grade does not mean I will not get an A course grade. Also, I've been recruited to
be a tutor for a classmate. Let's go.

Due to a combination of professor, course material, and course format; this course
is cake for me. I was very surprised to learn of particular classmates who failed
the first test. There's not really much else to say about this course, because it's
the same old, same old that I've learned before. I'm not complaining.

Memory and Cognition
Um. Really, that's the extent of my thoughts in regards to this course. No offense,
but it really is a joke. For the first test, I filled out the study guide using only
the professor's PowerPoints and used none of my own notes. The only reason I need
to go to class is for participation activities and the rare graded participation
activities. Joke, joke, joke. And even more of a joke because the test averages were
bi-modal, meaning that most people got an A/B grade or a D/F grade. What.

Sociology of the Family
Awesome possum course. Very similar to Birth and Death in regards to format, so I
am excelling because of that. The readings are interesting and the discussions are
fulfilling. Apparently everyone is fascinated by the topic of cohabitation.

Counseling and Personal Development
I love this course so much that I am not even bothered by the fact that it is a
one-day, 2.5-hour night class. I love courses in this format, thanks to LBC and
HACC. I love this course so much that I am not even bothered by the in-class role-
playing. That's a big deal.

Jazz Band
So far, so good, but weird. First concert was a success and our director said,
"We've done easy music and we've done it well. Now it is time to do more difficult
music." Uh-oh.

Honors Project
So far, so good. I need to check on my project time line to see what I should be
doing now, since I am "officially" done with observation.

Probably the most neglected part of my education right now. But after I am done
here, I am going to eat lunch and go practice for a long time. Thankfully my teacher
understands my circumstances and allowed me to take care of legal issues during my
lesson time this past Monday. Also, I just learned that he thinks I'm awesome, as in,
one of the few students who works.

Library Work and Tutoring
Library work continues to be my favorite. It is the best way to get work done and
socialize and get paid, all at the same time. Tutoring has officially started this
week and I tutored for one hour over the course of two sessions. I need to email
someone so I can fill out the paperwork to become a Bio Psych tutor.

PDP and Convos
Additional things I can't forget to think about. My PDP paper is going to be

That's all, I think. Ready and lunch time.