Tuesday, May 25, 2010

My HOBY Hangover (May 24, 2010)

The HOBY hangover is induced by an overdose of HOBY magic (which creates the HOBY
high) and a severe deficiency of sleep. Recovery is difficult, evident by the fact
that eleven hours of sleep does not fully counteract a person's exhaustion.

Anyway. My HOBY Hangover.

I wrote and saved this as a draft text during Ambassador Reflections on Sunday, May 23.

_____ HOBY is the best kind of therapy.

Many students talked about overcoming severe panic disorders or other such emotional
ailments because of HOBY. I also wrote this:

_____ I've been so busy since school ended that I've not yet had time to readjust to
_____ being home, with my friends who do not understand how much college has changed
_____ me and how little little things matter. My second semester was filled with
_____ negative energy of people who do not appreciate liberal arts and who are not
_____ happy at Bridgewater, the place where I am so so so happy and content, the
_____ place that has the potential to be my utopia school. Their unhappiness infects
_____ my happiness and I do not know how to handle it. The two people that provided
_____ the most positive energy at school are now gone. I have to readjust to them
_____ being gone, I have to readjust to being in negative energy with York people,
_____ AND I have to go through the withdrawal of not being at HOBY.

At Staff Reflections, I lost it when Danielle Guldin talked about the absolute
camaraderie that is alive at HOBY. A newbie, Kate, defined HOBY as an environment
with a general air of acceptance. Rich said that HOBY is the way life should be. The
camaraderie at HOBY is established through the acceptance, which fulfills the basic
human need. This is what we all have in common - we NEED this. This is the way life
should be. We refer to it as the HOBY magic because none of us can fully explain
WHERE this acceptance comes from or HOW it is established or BY WHAT means. Mike said
that nothing really special happens at HOBY; that we are simply getting down to what
is special within each of us. I suggest this something special is acknowledging our
need for other people and having it fulfilled. In regards to the new and uncertain
location, Cathy said that we can make HOBY happen everywhere because THIS is HOBY.
[The building does not matter, we cannot be confined (Taoism).] What remains
indescribable is HOW this something special is acknowledged and fulfilled. What sets
HOBY apart? Perhaps it is the people. Even so, we are all so different...

After Staff Reflections, I was holding it together until Pete came to give me a hug.
I lost it and sobbed in his arms. I figured it was simply because I love HOBY too
much and realized it was nearly over. He said, "I know." Next, Rich came to give me
a hug. When Rich looks at you, you can feel the love he has for every single person.
He released me and asked what was bugging me. I may have said nothing or that I did
not know, but my answer was not sufficient, even though I did not realize it at the
time. This realization came later during Ambassador Reflections. What set it off was
a girl who talked about high school cliques and HOBY. To the greatest extent I have
ever seen and believe to be possible, there are no cliques at HOBY. This is the HOW
that cannot be answered.

I realized that, all too soon, I would have to leave HOBY and that this action would
be so very physically painful. I knew that, when I left, I would have to face the
reality of finally being back home for more than three nights at a time. I wasn't
sure I could handle it. I knew that, when I left, I would have to return to my York-
based cliques - the people who understand me less and less each day. I wasn't sure
I could handle it. I knew that, when I return to school this Fall, the negative
energy of non-kindred spirits will threaten to drown me once again. I wasn't sure I
could handle it. I knew that, when I returned to face this negative energy once again,
the two people whose positive energy counteracted it the most will no longer be there.
I wasn't sure I could handle it.

While my past conditional statements of uncertainty imply that I am now certain that
I can or cannot handle these things, the sad thing is that I remain unsure of my
abilities to cope with my emotionally fragile state. The one thing I am sure of is
that Cathy is right - our location does not matter. HOBY is not a program, but rather
a spirit. The HOBY magic does not have to be confined to Millersville and the third
weekend of May. HOBY does not need to end. Furthermore, I know that I need HOBY to
do just that. I need HOBY to NOT end. So let's not let it. I need you guys. And I
need the HOBY magic that is inside each of you so that my HOBY magic is energized by
your energy and my HOBY high is maintained.

I wish I could have communicated this at Staff Reflections, but my realization did
not occur soon enough for me to share with you in person.

All in all, I feel physically, emotionally, and mentally incapable of fully returning
to the real world. However, the real world demands that I must. In order to survive,
live the dash, and be the best me I can be, I need the HOBY magic to accompany me
back to the places where negative energy abounds. I am scared and I need you guys so
that I can be. Ubuntu.

The HOBY magic still baffles me. We are all so different, but somehow, HOBY brings
our our commonality of needing the HOBY magic (even if we never before realized our
deficiency). But HOW?


Thursday, May 6, 2010

Uninspired Home

Looking at the list of upcoming topics, I am feeling uninspired to write about any
of them. Perhaps I shall work on one of my books. Throughout the course of this
semester, If I Were a Teacher has become increasingly long.

I fear I may have missed a few that were to be added. I'm sure they will arise with
the negative energy at least once more before I leave here in two years' time.

So, rather than writing about an uninspired upcoming topic or working on my book(s),
I shall write about the upcoming event: Home.

I'm leaving tomorrow. This is unreal.

I'm leaving significantly earlier than everyone else (finals continue through Tues).

I know I will miss them, but I am anticipating returning home simply too much for
that to even be a reality right now.

I expect that, when I return here on Tuesday for Jazz Band, I will regret being one
of the first to leave because I will have missed many proper goodbyes. I fear that
this may become a big problem. :/

But, um, in the irrationality of the moment, I'M GOING HOME TOMORROW.

Apparently, I had less to say about that than I thought.

I really dislike how many "I" statements there are in this post.

Well. Time to work on some book(s).

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Aware, etc.

I am aware of the fact that I severely fell behind in posting my written assignments
here. Now that the moments have passed, I am less inclined to post them.

However, I would like to read them someday in order to compile a collection of deep
and profound thoughts that are currently scattered about my papers.

I do, however, recall a few general themes that have arisen in my papers again and
again throughout the semester. I believe I mentioned this in my previous post...

The American Medical System
This topic presented itself frequently in regards to The Sociology of Birth and Death.
I'm not sure what to say on the whole, but these discussion ultimately led to...

I've been talking about denial EVERYWHERE. Everywhere being both The Sociology of
Birth and Death and The Psychology of Personality. Medical system? Denial. Grief?
Denial. Defense mechanisms? Denial. Catharsis? Non-denial. Denial, denial, denial.
In general, I deeply dislike denial, which is something I've said here before. I do
not believe that denial is healthy in any way, ever. Denial does not resolve the
issue. Denial does not help. Perhaps this is why I have never experienced denial
during my personal stages of grief? Hm.

How can I not write about this? Hello, core value!

Public Education
I never realized how deeply interested I am in the public education system. For
Introduction to Social Welfare, we had three assignments that consisted of finding
a recent media article, reading it, and writing a reaction about how it relates to
social welfare. Every article I chose somehow related to public education. NCLB?
Public education. New Pennsylvania budget? Public Education. Teacher repercussions
of school standards? Public education. Absence and truancy laws? Public education.
Even our Think Tank assignment, well my first and incorrect version, was about
community colleges. Public education. At first, this seemed ironic, considering the
fact that I'd been homeschooled my whole life. But, in reality, it makes more-than-
perfect sense. I want to be a youth counselor. I want to work with middle-high school
children. I was homeschooled my whole life. How does this make sense? My unique
education experience gives me a unique education perspective. I previously wrote
about my most ideal job description.

Liberal Arts Education
Unfortunately, this discussion is surrounded by negative energy. I previously wrote
about my most ideal educational environment - Utopia School. I will not restate here.

Another topic that has been on my mind a lot to day is negativity. Well, it's been
on my mind a lot all semester, but today it became even more solidified.

I realized there is a difference between the type of negative energy that has been
bothering me and the type of negative energy that has been bothering those around me.

Those around me are largely bothered by their own negativity, to some degree. In
some way. This may get complicated. Those around me complain about annoying people,
annoying school requirements, annoying food, annoying people, annoying etc, etc.
Those around me are surrounding themselves with negative energy by focusing on things
that are annoying. These things are also largely inconsequential and unimportant.

I am bothered by THIS negativity. I am bothered by the complainers. I am bothered
by the negative energy they focus on, internalize, and carry with them.

(Hm. Complaining creates burdens!)

Furthermore, this negative energy that is focused on, internalized, and carried by
the negative complainers is deeply hurtful for me because they complain about things
that are either inconsequential and insignificant OR important to me.

The superficiality of their complaints and the severity of their negative energy
injures my soul.

"Don't let it injure you, then."

Okay, maybe... but their negative energy is SO powerful. Their negative energy
intoxicates my beautiful environment, making it something that is ugly and hated.

Their negative energy intoxicates my beautiful environment,
making it something that is ugly and hated.

I chose this environment; they clearly did not. I love this environment because I
chose it because I saw the beauty of it; they hate this environment because they
did not choose it because they did not bother with looking for and choosing beauty.

(Caveat: "beauty" here does not refer to superficial, outward appearances)

When they insult this environment, it hurts my soul because I feel as if they are
insulting me. I know I take things extremely seriously, but this is one of my
characteristics and, frankly, it is one that I appreciate.

I am sensitive (in a different sense of the word). When they insult this environment,
it hurts my soul because I feel as if they are insulting me. I know that this could
be expressed better, but I am currently at a loss.

Future topics:


Priorities/Decision-Making/Ethical Dilemmas

"Marx Missed Some Things" (archival post)

Stereotypes (Personal Impact)