Tuesday, December 6, 2011

No Sleep

So, apparently I don't sleep anymore. I mean, I'll finally admit that occasionally
not needing sleep would be really convenient, so that I could just finish that
assignment or paint again or etc.

Last night was the latest I've stayed up this entire semester. 4am. After a phone
conversation with my best friend that lasted for five and a half hours. <3 And I
passed out at 4am and had a nap today and I feel fine. Thanks, college, for
eliminating my sleep schedule! And I had been doing so well with maintaining a
regular sleep schedule. Oh well. This is more fun and I only have one more week
of needing to not be sick.

On Sunday night, after I had finished what work I had wanted to do, instead of
doing more work or going to bed, I stayed up so that I could clean my room and
paint. I painted, you guys. It was so good.

Anyways, lots of little topics to write about, so let's get to it.

From last Tuesday until this past Monday afternoon, with the exception of making
time to paint, I had been pretty grumpy. I told a classmate on Monday that I had
had a crappy week and he responded by saying "It's only Monday!" and I corrected
myself by saying that I had had a crappy since-Tuesday.

I attributed this slump to a few things. Primarily, that my to-do list had managed
to overtake my want-to-do list, although I somewhat combated this with making
time to paint. Also, that the general morale of the campus seems to have decreased,
probably due to the fact that all the procrastinating, the overworked, and the
median students are experiencing the last-minute crunch of all the work they have
to complete. So, my to-do list was making me grumpy and the lowered morale of
campus served as an excuse for me to remain grumpy. Grumpiness loves company, for sure.

And then Monday afternoon happened. What happened Monday afternoon? Well, first
and foremost, I was able to talk it out and explain to myself that the lowered
morale of campus was reinforcing my grumpiness. And that I MUST make time to be
able to incorporate my want-to-do list with my to-do list. Thus why I am awake
and writing right now instead of going to sleep. Sure, there's a balance, but for
the past few weeks, I had been getting my to-do lists done and getting enough
sleep, which resulted in a severe neglect of my want-to-do list.

Even though I was maintaining my health by getting enough sleep and was maintaining
my academic success by getting my work done, my emotional/mental/spiritual health
had been severely neglected over the past few weeks. Self-care! No burnout!

Also on Monday afternoon, I explained to myself what beneficial lesson could be
learned from the recent past. That is, what positive purpose does the recent past
serve? I learned that I truly am capable of making genuine and empathetic connections
with others, but that these genuine and empathetic connections do not have to result
in my being exploited. And should not. But even so, that I can make connections
without being exploited and that I do not have to be exploited in order to make
connections. Good thing my one reader that was bothered by my repetitiveness decided
to no longer be my friend. Hah.

Long story short, my piano lesson was amazing and my piano teacher is an incredible
individual. He asked me for counseling-related advice in regards to stress relief
techniques and responded by saying that he always feels better after our chats.

I think I made his day.

And then! Monday evening, THIS LESS WAS EXEMPLIFIED AGAIN. While I was working at
the library, after I was minimally productive, I decided to do some more self-care
through origami. First of all, lots of students apologized for interrupting my
origami-related concentration, which made me laugh. Second of all, my coworker
commented that he had an origami collection from a previous student, which he then
retrieved from his desk to show me. After we talked about origami, I offered him
the dish I had just completed making to him to add to his collection.

I think I made his day, too.

And both of them certainly made my day.

During Monday afternoon and evening, as I walked across campus, I inhaled deeply
with the realization that I was having a really good day. Simultaneously, this
thought went through my head: "I am having a really good day and I don't want to
talk about it." Well, that seems odd. I thought so, too, at first. Until just
recently when I was writing about the dampened morale and remembered that this
thought had crossed my mind. How does it make sense? It makes sense in that I did
not want to talk about it because my having a really good day was something that was
extremely precious because it had not happened in such a long time. And I did not
want to talk about it because those who would hear would have been the same people
who had previously shared in my grumpiness. But I am talking about it now because
I had another really good day today and am feeling more confident in my ability to
not let these really good days slip away, regardless of how low the morale of
campus may be. Similarly, I also feel more confident in my autonomy in regards to
the fact that I feel like I know how to maintain these really good days.

We'll see how this plays out, because tomorrow is going to be busy and very well
may be ridiculous.

In contrast, also today, my confidence as a tutor was somewhat shaken because I was
repeatedly reminded of the fact that I had not tutored recently. Why did no one
want to ask me? Did I scare them away somehow? Did I fail one time and everyone
knew? I don't know. But it didn't really matter because tutoring is simply income
that is doubly supplementary and I have since scheduled a tutoring meeting with a

Autonomy feels really, really good. I took another recent matter into my own hands
and went straight to the top. And, although the issue could not be remedied, some
appropriate consequences have been served and the afflicted group has gained more
authority, autonomy, status, and what have you.

Lastly, I wanted to add this to my honors project paper somehow, but it did not
really fit in. I read sections of the book, Interaction Ritual Chains, by Collins
and in it he explains how a conversation between two people reflects greater
solidarity (vis-a-vis Durkheim) when their breathing becomes synchronized and
their rhythm becomes extremely matched because each person is able to anticipate
what the other is saying, will say, and how. I read this section for my honors
project about the group dynamics of Jazz Band and I wish it would have fit in
somewhere because it relates so well to that most precise moment of synchronized
breathing that occurs before each piece. Right before the downbeat of measure one,
there is a cohesive intake breath and you can FEEL it and it is my favorite.

I think this was the fastest blog post I have ever written. I still want to paint,
but I will actually go to sleep, but only because tomorrow is so busy. I should have
time to paint between my crammed schedule, maybe, depending on how I eat lunch.

Anyway. Out.

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