Tuesday, May 25, 2010

My HOBY Hangover (May 24, 2010)

The HOBY hangover is induced by an overdose of HOBY magic (which creates the HOBY
high) and a severe deficiency of sleep. Recovery is difficult, evident by the fact
that eleven hours of sleep does not fully counteract a person's exhaustion.

Anyway. My HOBY Hangover.

I wrote and saved this as a draft text during Ambassador Reflections on Sunday, May 23.

_____ HOBY is the best kind of therapy.

Many students talked about overcoming severe panic disorders or other such emotional
ailments because of HOBY. I also wrote this:

_____ I've been so busy since school ended that I've not yet had time to readjust to
_____ being home, with my friends who do not understand how much college has changed
_____ me and how little little things matter. My second semester was filled with
_____ negative energy of people who do not appreciate liberal arts and who are not
_____ happy at Bridgewater, the place where I am so so so happy and content, the
_____ place that has the potential to be my utopia school. Their unhappiness infects
_____ my happiness and I do not know how to handle it. The two people that provided
_____ the most positive energy at school are now gone. I have to readjust to them
_____ being gone, I have to readjust to being in negative energy with York people,
_____ AND I have to go through the withdrawal of not being at HOBY.

At Staff Reflections, I lost it when Danielle Guldin talked about the absolute
camaraderie that is alive at HOBY. A newbie, Kate, defined HOBY as an environment
with a general air of acceptance. Rich said that HOBY is the way life should be. The
camaraderie at HOBY is established through the acceptance, which fulfills the basic
human need. This is what we all have in common - we NEED this. This is the way life
should be. We refer to it as the HOBY magic because none of us can fully explain
WHERE this acceptance comes from or HOW it is established or BY WHAT means. Mike said
that nothing really special happens at HOBY; that we are simply getting down to what
is special within each of us. I suggest this something special is acknowledging our
need for other people and having it fulfilled. In regards to the new and uncertain
location, Cathy said that we can make HOBY happen everywhere because THIS is HOBY.
[The building does not matter, we cannot be confined (Taoism).] What remains
indescribable is HOW this something special is acknowledged and fulfilled. What sets
HOBY apart? Perhaps it is the people. Even so, we are all so different...

After Staff Reflections, I was holding it together until Pete came to give me a hug.
I lost it and sobbed in his arms. I figured it was simply because I love HOBY too
much and realized it was nearly over. He said, "I know." Next, Rich came to give me
a hug. When Rich looks at you, you can feel the love he has for every single person.
He released me and asked what was bugging me. I may have said nothing or that I did
not know, but my answer was not sufficient, even though I did not realize it at the
time. This realization came later during Ambassador Reflections. What set it off was
a girl who talked about high school cliques and HOBY. To the greatest extent I have
ever seen and believe to be possible, there are no cliques at HOBY. This is the HOW
that cannot be answered.

I realized that, all too soon, I would have to leave HOBY and that this action would
be so very physically painful. I knew that, when I left, I would have to face the
reality of finally being back home for more than three nights at a time. I wasn't
sure I could handle it. I knew that, when I left, I would have to return to my York-
based cliques - the people who understand me less and less each day. I wasn't sure
I could handle it. I knew that, when I return to school this Fall, the negative
energy of non-kindred spirits will threaten to drown me once again. I wasn't sure I
could handle it. I knew that, when I returned to face this negative energy once again,
the two people whose positive energy counteracted it the most will no longer be there.
I wasn't sure I could handle it.

While my past conditional statements of uncertainty imply that I am now certain that
I can or cannot handle these things, the sad thing is that I remain unsure of my
abilities to cope with my emotionally fragile state. The one thing I am sure of is
that Cathy is right - our location does not matter. HOBY is not a program, but rather
a spirit. The HOBY magic does not have to be confined to Millersville and the third
weekend of May. HOBY does not need to end. Furthermore, I know that I need HOBY to
do just that. I need HOBY to NOT end. So let's not let it. I need you guys. And I
need the HOBY magic that is inside each of you so that my HOBY magic is energized by
your energy and my HOBY high is maintained.

I wish I could have communicated this at Staff Reflections, but my realization did
not occur soon enough for me to share with you in person.

All in all, I feel physically, emotionally, and mentally incapable of fully returning
to the real world. However, the real world demands that I must. In order to survive,
live the dash, and be the best me I can be, I need the HOBY magic to accompany me
back to the places where negative energy abounds. I am scared and I need you guys so
that I can be. Ubuntu.

The HOBY magic still baffles me. We are all so different, but somehow, HOBY brings
our our commonality of needing the HOBY magic (even if we never before realized our
deficiency). But HOW?


1 comment:

Denise said...

I truly have enjoyed reading your blog - you have a wisdom & depth that is far beyond your chronological years.

I'll admit I'd never heard of HOBY before, but it sounds intriguing. I'm wondering what brought them/you to Wenger because that's out by us (and I don't actually know what they do there.)

The HOBY experience sounds a lot like LOVE.... acceptance, building one another up, doing good for your fellow man. It's sad how so few people really know how to love others willingly, freely, with no need for the favor to be returned.

And I have to agree with you about the mentality with which this area is infused. After Marshall & I got married we lived in different parts of the country, and every time we'd come back for a visit, we were again hit with the clique-ish behavior & attitudes. It seems even sillier the older & more mature you become. Of course not everyone in York is like this, but it's markedly noticeable....

You are a smart, caring young woman, and in time you will attract and/or search out those with whom your natural best comes out.

Take care & I do hope you're able to enjoy your summer!