Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Best Kind of Survey (Take Three)

Okay, so I’ve done this twice.

Take One

Take Two

I'm going to do it a little differently this time.

The premise...
Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people. (but don't say their name)

For each one, I’m going to see if I remember who it was about and, if I can, give an anonymous update about him or her. Huzzah, reflexivity.

Take One... (May 27, 2009)
10. I'm pretty certain I'm going to miss you more than you're going to miss me.
9. Thanks for showing me what is least important.
8. You used to be really cool. You always used to say you were unchanged, but
trust me, you've changed. If I see you this summer, it's going to be weird.
7. Did you feel it, too?
6. You have no idea. None. Your sister sees it more than you do. lol.
5. I know you want to pursue your dreams, so do it. And I will want to follow you.
4. WHY did you reject my friend request? I thought we were good? What's up?!
3. Your hypocritical, neo-con, holier-than-thou attitude is NOT okay. Okay?
2. Grow up, please.
1. I don't know what the problem is, but you need to work it out before the individuals
around you begin to be negatively affected by the underlying, secret conflict. Okay?

10. With how you don’t even talk to me ever, you definitely don’t miss me at all. I hope you do miss me and just won’t talk to me. That would be fitting.
9. (Uh, I have a guess…) Way to not text me back for three days. That’s completely okay. Just kidding. If and when you want to talk to me, go for it. I won’t hold my breath.
8. (Not sure who this was about, but I have a guess…) We don’t talk anymore.
7. I still want to know if you felt it, but I’ll never ask you. It’s no longer important.
6. I miss you and you are my favorite. It’d be awesome if we’d be able to share an apartment someday.
5. You still have your dreams, but you’re not pursuing them as far as I can tell. And lots of people are judging you for that, but I won’t. I promise. If you’re happy, oh well if you’ve lost your ambition.
4. (I don’t know who this is…)
3. (I also don’t know who this was about, but it still stands, always.)
2. (“…”)
1. I would say the exact same thing, only I can’t, because I’m no longer a neutral party. The whole thing is ridiculous and stupid and I don’t want to care, but I barely can do so, but I don’t and AUGH.

Take Two... (October 15, 2009)
10. Thanks for showing me that I am capable of getting over it with closure. ...and
thanks for making me more bitter and cynical about things... not.
9. I am so entirely at peace with it, but I kind of really tend to get jealous over you.
But maybe I just don't want you to lead anyone on. Yeah, let's go with that.
8. I do not like you anymore, at all, but I don't know how to convince you of this
without sounding like a cold-hearted meanie.
7. Thank you so much for establishing camaraderie with me. It means more than
you'll ever know and I'm sad that you'll be gone next year.
6. I thought we were going to try talking again... where are you?
5. It's kind of funny to think about how complete opposite our friendship has become
over the past four years or so. Even to the extent of non-existence. Um, not fun.
4. I miss you, but I don't think that really bothers you.
3. Hey, you guys, you need to get over this.
2. I like to watch you dance in front of me.
1. I saw that.

10. I asked you straight out, either yes or no or tell me to shut it. You never replied, so my heart takes that as an unspoken “Shut it” coupled with a very adamant “No.” The other day, I thought of something you said early-on that argues that you must be lying. Perhaps you’re just very confused. Oh well. Good luck with your girlfriend.
9. (I though I knew who this was, but then I read 8 and realized I was mistaken… I don’t know who this is about.)
8. I very much do not like you anymore. Again, I won’t hold my breath.
7. (This applies to two people…) I miss you SO much and I am SO glad we still keep in touch fairly well. So many things are not the same without you. I miss seeing you on a regular basis. Never lose touch, please; always remember me. I’ll remember you.
6. I’m really, really proud of you.
5. (Not sure who this is about, either. Apparently it’s no longer important…)
4. How many girls have you treated the same way you treated me?
3. HEY, YOU GUYS, YOU NEED TO GET OVER THIS. There is a young life at stake. I hope you breed resiliency.
2. We have so much to catch up on, but apparently, not enough for me to sacrifice a bit.
1. This year isn’t the same without you, but I’m glad you’re still around. You are an entertaining individual.

Well, that wasn’t nearly as fun as I expected it to be. It’s interesting to see what I do and do not remember. But not really. And I’m gonna waste some more time, so I’m going to do the entire thing again. It’s been a year. Might as well. If you’d like to compare this to the two previous times, see the link at the top of this post.

Take Three…
Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people. (but don't say their name)
10. Most everything I want to say to you, I’ve already said; except for one thing, but according to society, it is far too soon for such nonsense. Plus, if I really stop and think about it, I am scared. But when I think about you, I am so completely not scared that it doesn’t matter at those moments and you make it so very difficult for me to refrain from giving you my entire soul.
9. I feel like your heart knows what’s right, but your head won’t listen. I feel like you feel this, too, but haven’t admitted to it. At some point, you’ve got to let yourself admit it, you’ve got to accept it. I know you don’t want to give up the comfortable-ness, but the things you tell me don’t make it sound all that comfortable at all.
8. I wish we talked more frequently. I miss your light-heartedness and genuine concern in my life. Are you older than me? I think so, and that’s good, because you seem like it. You’re much more mature than a lot of people your age. I sincerely wish you the best of success in all your pursuits.
7. While I have wholeheartedly enjoyed this semester, I don’t know if I will be able to give you guys as much time next semester. But I know that’s a lie and I’ll probably end up seeing you guys just as much, if not more. Honestly, though, I hope to be able to empower you better in the future.
6. I am so sorry that so many people hate you. I can see why, but I’m sorry. I empathize so, so, so much because I feel that we are very similar. I’d really like to talk to you about this.
5. I am sorry I am going to be so passive-aggressive about this.
4. As thinking of who else to include on this, you came to mind. But, to be completely honest, I have nothing to say to you. But I miss your friends. And I wonder how it made you feel.
3. I think you’re cool, so let’s be friends. But I think you’re just a tiny bit awkward.
2. Can you tell me what a typical MSW program is like? Because I’ve had two social work class so far and both of the professors were awful. I know it’s too soon to judge, but it’s making me pretty apprehensive, nonetheless. Also, do you think I’m fit for it? How do you handle your failings while trying to help everyone else overcome their own failings?
1. It’s pretty scary to me that you may soon be permanently gone. Not permanently, but kind of.

Nine things about myself:
9. I will never lable myself as a musician or an artist because music and art become less fun when they become a job.
8. I’m beginning to believe that I know far less than how I present myself.
7. The cold doesn’t really bother me much, but wind does. And snow.
6. I’m pretty sure my ears don’t like earrings. Too bad.
5. I’ve been thinking about dyeing my hair, but I would feel like a hypocrite.
4. Most times, if I avoid or refrain from something particular, it’s because of its negative emotional and mental consequences.
3. My favorite topics include body language, social space, and multiple intelligences.
2. I like boys who wear belts with tucked-in shirts.
1. It’s rare that I wear makeup.

Eight ways to win my heart.
8. Share what’s important to me with me and allow me to do the same for you.
7. Take me to bead stores or the bead section of craft stores.
6. If our interests differ, appreciate. I’ll appreciate you in return.
5. (I keep wanting to say the same thing, but they all come down to…) Lift me up.
4. Let me drive.
3. Let me cry. Sometimes, it’s absolutely necessary.
2. Fall as fast as I do.
1. People-watch with me. Not even that, simply appreciate the concept. Almost all of these come down to having a sincere desire to appreciate or empathize. It’s much better than simply tagging along and forcing yourself to like what I like. I don’t want that. I want integrity. I want you to care enough about me to genuinely care about what I care about.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot.
7. California.
6. Grad school.
5. My to-do list(s).
4. Past experiences.
3. Professors.
2. All my ambitions I’ve left behind, if only for a moment.
1. Unhappiness.

Six things I do before I fall asleep.
6. Change clothes.
5. Check Facebook/email/etc.
4. Brush teeth.
3. LIE down.
2. Set alarm.
1. Build a wall of pillows.

Five people who mean a lot. (in no order whatsoever)
5. Boyfriend. :) Hehe.
4. Lots of music department people.
3. Lots of Sociology department people.
2. The Quad.
1. A few Psychology department people.

Four things you're wearing right now.
4. Pants with flannel pants underneath. Yup.
3. Sweater with wooden buttons.
2. Dad’s old coat.
1. About twenty contour hair clips.

Three songs that you listen to recently.
3. (Everything by…) Elbow
2. (Everything by…) Ratatat
1. (And anything else awesome that comes up on my “One Day Like This” by Elbow Pandora radio station. Including Nightmares on Wax and Little People.

Two things you want to do before you die.
2. Go to Greece (scheduled for July 15!).
1. Finish at least one book.

One confession.
1. I fear that I am less satisfied when I focus too much on the future.

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