(posted to Facebook, August 11, 2009)
When I have an idea of something to write, I have this habit of saving it to my phone as a draft text. The following entries are draft texts I have been saving from August, 2008 to the present.
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[This was written during my conflict of mental and emotional ages, which was specifically emphasized by sociology class. It also touches on the characteristic of ending up with quantity over quality when it comes to people, acquaintances, and friends.]
There is a difference between being well known and being well liked. It seems that, if you begin to associate with more mature people, you become distanced from those of your own peer group. However, when you associate with an older peer group, they appreciate you for your intellect, personality, and maturity because they do not have a commonality with you in age, and therefore must find other things to admire and not just be friends with you because that's what society says they should do. But sociology says the opposite--sociology says that you will always be judged by your lowest status, i.e. negatively because of a young age instead of positively because of maturity, personality, and intellect. It doesn't always have to be, though. If one's maturity is great enough and the lesser age is not made known, that individual will be judged solely upon maturity, intellect, and personality.
...and isn't that what we should all strive for?
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[This was written in regards to sociology class--specifically a comment made by the Marxist student that insulted my demographic. A similar comment was made in my English Comp I class. It's always been kind of weird for me to have older friends, I'll admit.]
Even though I do not always fit in with those in my age category, I still associate myself with them because, by age, I am a part of that demographic. That is why it bothers me so much when people ignorantly make broad generalizations, saying that the thirteen to eighteen crowd just doesn't care. But they don't get it. I am a part of that crowd; that is my demographic. But because I do not reflect what they think, according to age, I should represent, they act like I wouldn't care that they're insulting my category. A category has no emotional connections, you say. That may very well be true, but I am still a part of that category. In regards to my status inconsistency, I am not judged by my lesser status, but rather I judge myself according to my age, which is three years too young.
...Everyone thinks so.
[Actually, my age seems to be about eight years too young.]
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[Basically, very simply, who has not felt like this at some point?]
What happens when what you thought was meant to be appears impossible? Is it no longer meant to be or is the impossibility just the illusion of fate? What if it's just an obstacle?
[That reminds me of my one poetry theme a while back of "when to fight? when to quit? when is quitting not giving up? etc"]
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[This gets archived for the Seven Reasons book in regards to Attraction-Boy.]
How can one be so attracted to someone without them noticing? Are they that ignorant? Innocent? Oblivious? I cannot describe how painful it is to look at someone and have them look at you, all the while knowing that you look at them much differently than they do you. Not being able to breathe. Getting a rush. Did they notice? Not that you're aware of, at least. Maybe they are not hinting as much as you are? Are they oblivious or are they consciously ignoring any sign because they are that uninterested? Maybe that's what hurts the most... the possibility that they don't return the feeling because they are not attracted, not simply because they do not notice. ...Not attracted? ...Unattracted?
[I don't know what I meant by: "Maybe they are not hinting as much as you are?"]
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[Erm. This was actually written during HOBY.]
I feel excluded. Is it me? Is it them? I think it is an endless circle. I engage, they engage, and then, they turn away or leave. And, in being abandoned, I shut down and am consequently shunned by the shunned.
[It only happens for a bit at the beginning of the seminar each year.]
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[This is a list of characteristics of Admired-Boy from Seven Reasons.]
Stubborn, intelligent, challenging, eloquent, forgetful, inconsistent, admirable, influential, aware, intimidating.
[Emphasis on intimidating. And stubborn, eloquent, and forgetful.]
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[This was an awesome "poem" idea I had at work on Sunday.]
Seven times today, twelve times tomorrow.
Do you think of me as much as I do you?
Everything reminds me of you, some way, some how.
Italy, school, the restaurant, friend, short, Beck, cars, Gettysburg, Strasburg, trains, the civil war, accordians, Aaron Weiss, dance, Poe, theatre, Cortazar, sentimentality, dry erase markers.
What happened to you? Where did you go?
Leaving I can handle, but not like this.
["Some how" is a funny word-grouping.]
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The end.
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