Saturday, January 16, 2010

More Draft Texts (Oct 24, 2009)

(posted to Facebook, October 24, 2009)

(I have been on a mewithoutyou kick lately. I need to get their album "It's All Crazy! It's All False! It's All a Dream! It's Alright!" My favorite songs are "Goodbye, I!" and "The Fox, The Crow, and The Cookie" and "Fig with a Bellyache.")

This was going to be a private note, but I decided against it. In the words of Joel Salatin, "If I don't want anyone to see it, I probably shouldn't be doing it."

I tagged those that were tagged in the previous one.

Please tell me what you think, especially about numbers one, four, eight, and nine.

If you think they're about you, chances are they're not. :]

When I have an idea of something to write, I have this habit of saving it to my phone as a draft text. The following entries are draft texts I have been saving from August, 2008 to the present.

[This was written on a Sunday.]

Big families create an environment where kids must fend for themselves when it comes to entertainment, largely. This leads to kids shouting "Mine!" to claim a run-away toy that has been picked up by a sibling, even if that sibling was picking up that toy with the sole purpose of returning it to its captor. The oldest is the least oppressed, but the most ignored, leading to a lonely and outcast attitude that is reacted to by separating himself from the crowds, which only serves to deepen the outcast feeling. One middle-ish child will inevitably develop an attitude of feeling they deserve to be provided with every good thing and protected from any danger or distress, no matter how inconsequential. This feeling stems from previously being the most cared- for youngest, but being moved down the hierarchy many times. Weird.

[I have since concluded that big families do not automatically equal negative environments and bad kids. It is the mother and father that largely determine this. Poor parents lead to a negative environment and a negative environment socializes bad kids. This equation simply is further compacted in a large family. Although, I suppose it could equally be further compacted in a single-child home, since all the negativity of the environment falls on a single child and the spirit of the negative environment is not spread thin. However, in a large family, where the environmental factors are spread thin, they are re-compacted by the sheer volume of people. Does a medium- sized family experience less effect of the poor parent equation? Or does the poor parent equation negatively affect anyone, anywhere, no matter what the other circumstances? I'm not sure, but I do know that a negative environment has negative consequences, unless counteracted by some other source of positivity.]

[This is a dream I had. It was very strange. Take note of the details of nineteen minutes and Natalie. I did, but I don't know why.]

He told me to meet him at the restaurant. I arrived before he did, so I went ahead and got a table for two. Nineteen minutes late, I saw him open the door, followed by a woman. I immediately stood up, feeling like a fool for thinking he wanted to have dinner with me. Then the three of us were in a lounge of some kind and he gave me a book, I hit the wall with it in anger, and went to leave. But I stopped before I went through the doorway and turned around to say something. "I'm sorry I misunderstood." But I didn't so much misunderstand as I believed he meant what he had said. Who tells a person to meet at a restaurant, but does not intend to eat with that person? I want to say more, ask more. I had an opportunity to gain closure and I wanted to take it. I started to ask why, but i stopped. I didn't leave. The girl, I had learned her name was Natalie, said, "She really is obsessed isn't she?" Obsessed? Only confused about what happened and why! :( I left. Later, we were talking online (I don't know how) and I said, "So Natalie thinks I'm obsessed with you? Did you tell her that? I'm not. i simply miss talking to you and I want to know why you suddenly stopped. I have no idea why and I am so confused."

[SO weird. I find it terribly interesting how much apathy I feel when I read things I've written about this particular topic, situation, or person. The most I feel is a bit of sadness, but I do not believe it is because I miss the person. I believe it is because I miss the romanticism of the idea.]

[This does not convey what I wanted it to communicate.]

I miss you so much. I've essentially known you for three and a half days, but I miss your spirit, I miss your soul. I love your spirit, I love your soul. You are so alive and so connecting. I love your spirit. You are so wise and knowledgeable. I love your soul.

[Each "you" refers to a different person.]

I seem to be attracted to guys that can read me. It's never immediately obvious, but that's how it tends to turn out. You were the most aware person ever, even though I was ignorant of this. And you sensed when I was excited and when I was nervous and when I was upset. And now you, you knew quite immediately that I liked you. Weird. Am I that easy to read or am I simply drawn to guys that are capable of reading me? Weird.

[I want to know more about this and I wish it were (researchable). Does this mean that other boys see things about me that I am not aware of? How can I guard my thoughts?]

[This is the most shallow thing I've ever written, I do believe.]

I would talk to you and ask you how you are, but we need to go through that weird phase of "I want to be friends with you, but I'm not sure how to be friends with you without liking you without not talking to you." :/

[This is very much edited from what I have in my phone.]

What exactly did you have in mind? You were fishing for something and I want to know what it was. I will no longer buy your excuses. I will no longer accept your lines. It's time to be both honest AND truthful.

[Also edited.]

... Maybe. It could also all be fabricated. Maybe. He could be a bad communicator. Maybe. He could be a really good liar. Maybe.

[I love college.]

What I like about college: Meals - meals do not require as much time as they used to because the food is mostly prepared and it really only takes about two minutes to get food and two minutes to eat food. The Level of Independence - I am in charge of most everything I do, mostly. Not Knowing Anyone - because I arrived with minimal to no personal attachments to anyone here, I have been able to portray myself accurately and portray who I really am, because no one had any preconceived opinion of me. (Interestingly enough, those who did come here with attachments to others also here have allowed those connections to fade as they found more compatible acquaintances to make their friends.)

[Do you think it's odd that I find it easier to be myself with complete and absolute strangers than with my closer friends? While I am very much at ease with my closest friends at home, college presents a new opportunity of being able to be who I am in the presence of people who have absolutely no preconceived judgments or expectations about me whatsoever. This is a feeling that I quite enjoy and I honestly almost feel like the friends I have really know me on a deep level, at least when compared to the length of time we've known each other.]

[A bit of rant.]

I don't understand how someone cannot remember what they said. If you can't say it now, why did you say it then? If it was something of your opinion, you should have the same opinion or at least be able to remember your old opinion. People's opinions do not change unknowingly. If you can't say it now, why did you say it then?

[If you can't say it now, why did you say it then?]


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